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The Life Of Me, Smile Magee, 50 N Medical Dr, Salt Lake City, UT (2026)

08/14/2026

Since it happened,
I can barely stand it to be in an exam room with the door shut.

My heart will feel like it’s beating out of my chest.
My breaths will get shorter and shorter.
My arms will tremble.
And I’ll feel stuck, in a cage to which there is no way out.

I went to an appointment by myself for the first time in a long time, and right when the anxiety was at a peak and I felt like I was going to lose it…

A still, small voice whispered to me, “Open the door.”

Dumbfounded, I sat there with this response…

I mean, could the remedy to soothe this relentless anxiety be that easy?

I tentatively got up, opened the door, and this wave of peace rushed through me.

Like all of a sudden, my brain that’s been searching for every threat realized, “We can’t be trapped if the door is open.”

As a woman of faith, I feel so guilty for saying this, but I’ve been angry at God.
I’ve wondered where He was during the toughest time of my life.

But I’m learning He can’t take people’s agency (the ability to choose) away.

And sadly, we can be the victim of that very gift and how others use it.

But God is with us.
He doesn’t leave us in our trials, even the ones He couldn’t stop.

He is the one listening to every tear-filled, angry prayer.
He is the one, when the world is dark, reminding you of your camera filled with unedited photos showing how beautiful the world is, sitting in the corner.

And when trauma has a room you used to be comfortable in feeling like a cage, He is the one who simply states,

“Open the door.”

08/14/2026

Honestly… I’m still working to become her. 🫶🏻

I’m currently in a season of life where I literally have to take it 30 minutes at a time. When my brain starts spiraling about future treatments, exams, diagnoses, etc., I have to actually verbalize it out loud:

“That’s tomorrow Megan’s problem.”

And honestly? Tomorrow Megan is probably going to have some things to say about that. 😂

But even though some days I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there, somehow… I’m still moving forward.

And I think that’s something to be proud of. 🫶🏻

Maybe becoming a strong woman doesn’t always look like being fearless.

Maybe sometimes it looks like being terrified, exhausted, overwhelmed… and still taking the next 30 minutes.

🌋🌪️🫶🏻.

08/13/2026

Me : I need my brain to stop doing this

Therapist : Megan .. that’s exactly what your brain should be doing / how it should be responding to trauma

Me: Well ..Can”t we make my brain shut up a little bit ?

Therapist : ( Bust up laughing 😂 ) That’s not how this works 😂.

Well at-least I’m still funny 😂😂 even if it’s non intentional.

Today we tried to focus on well , giving ourselves grace, and realizing a good memory can be as powerful as a bad one .

So he said basically when your brain is over flooded by an awful memory . Try to “change the station “
To one of your favorite memories .

And it’s ALOT and I mean ALOT easier said than done .

But maybe it’s because some hard times may be coming .

It’s making it so I’m more than willing to work hard on this “homework “

And remember what I always preach .. just because the good can seem “quiet “ doesn’t mean it isn’t there .

I’ve had one “loud “ awful moment that’s shattered me . And I’m not going to downplay how much it’s affected me .

But my life has been filled of 100000 beautiful moments .
And I need to let those moments , those memories be heard to .
Expecially when all I can “hear “ is the bad .

Tomorrow is a HUGE medical appointment that I’m quite honestly terrified for .

So I would love all the prayers / good vibes I can get ❤️

🐷

08/10/2026

Maybe clouds are there for a reason. ☁️

I’ve had a super bad postural migraine since… Friday that’s caused nausea and dizziness after a weird neuro flare where the right side of my body went numb / had weakness instead of the left side.

Saturday I started a new medication, and I can’t tell if it’s the migraine getting worse or if it’s the symptoms my doctors warned me might happen.

But me and my bed have been best friends. 😂

Emotionally, I’ve been trying to deal with things in the past, and trying to prepare for things in the future.

(Like my pelvic MRI is this week, and we will finally know what type of tumors I have in my uterus / what’s causing all this pain… and I’m just waiting for a phone call to tell me it’s time to start IVIG again.)

And I feel like I’ve been going through the motions instead of fully living in the moment.

Maybe it’s because I physically feel so crappy. Maybe it’s because my brain and my life are filled with soo much right now.

But as someone who easily soaks up the sun, all I have been seeing are clouds.

And it’s been driving me up the wall.

I love bright, beautiful, sunny days, physically and metaphorically.

I love those moments where life is so good you look up to God and just say the humble prayer of, “Thank you,” because you genuinely, genuinely mean it.

But I think during this ridiculously painful period of my life, I’m being taught that…

Sometimes clouds are necessary.

Yes, they block the sun for a while. Sometimes they bring storms. Sometimes they make everything feel darker than it did before.

But clouds aren’t inherently bad.

They bring rain. They carry the water that eventually nourishes the earth and helps things grow.

They’re part of a necessary cycle. Water evaporates, gathers into clouds, falls as rain, and eventually begins the cycle again.

The cloud isn’t the destination.

It’s simply a stage in the process.

And sometimes, you truly don’t appreciate the sunlight quite as much until something interrupts it.

The contrast you experience can make any ounce of light feel even more beautiful.

The most beautiful truth about it all is that even the darkest clouds move.

Storms pass.

What feels heavy and overwhelming today doesn’t necessarily stay forever.

(Even when you have a life-threatening illness or a life-changing event happen. Your situation may not change, but you do, and that in fact changes the situation.)

Sometimes a cloud has to become unbelievably heavy before it can let go and rain.

Maybe hard things are a little like that.

Feeling grief, anger, fear, sadness, or pain doesn’t necessarily mean something has gone wrong, that you need to have more faith, or that you’re morally failing.

Sometimes feeling those things is necessary.

Sometimes we have to sit beneath the clouds for a while before we can understand what they’re carrying.

The goal isn’t to live under a permanently blue sky.

Maybe the goal is to learn that cloudy days have a purpose, too.

Because clouds aren’t something we can fight.

Some clouds bring the rain we need to grow. ☁️🌧️🌱

08/07/2026

MEDICAL UPDATE ❤️‍🩹

To treat with IVIG or to not treat with IVIG…

That has been the question.

Through constant infections without it, and with it… well, anaphylactic reactions. 😅

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my immunologist, and my immune levels just aren’t holding up. She actually thinks I may have two immune deficiencies going on:

CVID and specific antibody deficiency.

Testing has shown that my body’s ability to fight a bacteria that causes things like pneumonia, ear infections, sinus infections, etc., is incredibly weak. Right now, it’s basically nonexistent.

You’re supposed to have a strong protective response to the pneumonia vaccine years later (even if you’re chronically ill), but my protective response completely and utterly disappeared after only 6 months.

So basically my immune system is saying…

“Yeah… we don’t have a choice. You need IVIG.” 😬

So we are going to try a new type of IVIG called Privigen.

It’s a different formulation of IVIG.

Basically, the ones I’ve tried before — Gammagard and Gammanex — are siblings.

Privigen is more like a cousin.

It’s made from the same thing (human plasma), but the formulation is different — the fillers, the stabilizers, even how it’s mixed. And something as small as that can completely change how a body tolerates the medication.

The plan is to start at a really low dose and infuse it very slowly.

My immunologist wants to start with just the basic reaction medications first to see how my body handles it, but all emergency medications will be standing by just in case.

It should take about 4–6 weeks to get everything approved and started.

And honestly… she basically said we don’t really have another option. My body is showing us very clearly that it needs IVIG, so now we have to figure out a way for me to tolerate it.

After having Gammagard, Gammanex, and Hizentra all try to take me out (shout out to the brute that is MCAS 😳), I am terrified to try another immune goblin product.

But I’m also terrified of living with constant infections and what those can do long term… especially when I already have very fragile lungs.

The referral/request (whatever the official word is 😂 — my brain is tired) has been sent for infusions.

So please send all the prayers, good vibes, and positive thoughts my way that:

✨ Privigen gets approved quickly
✨ My body actually tolerates it
✨ This is the IVIG product that finally helps instead of hurts

Here’s hoping ❤️‍🩹

08/05/2026

I’ve never, ever, ever believed that I’m strong.

When people have called me “strong,” I’ve only viewed it in a “sick person” kind of way... like how society thinks we’re supposed to view sick people as absolute inspirations just because they tied their sneakers.

Not even considering the fact that maybe they saw actual strength in me.

And, as I told you, I’ve recently had an experience that made me realize some pains just can’t be swept under the rug.

So I’ve been going to therapy. (I know, I know... shocker of the year. 😂 Megan is actually dealing with her emotions.)

And today my therapist made me look for logical evidence that I just might, in fact, be... strong.

I know that sounds silly.

But for my brain, which loves clear facts, clear numbers, and clear pictures... it actually kind of worked.

He reminded me that there’s so much strength simply in perseverance.

Through the toughest times in our lives, we don’t give ourselves enough credit for just... showing up. For moving forward with life, even when all you want to do is lie in the silence.

He basically explained (my paraphrased version) that when we're given the choice to "sink or swim," both are choices. You can't discredit yourself by calling "swimming" a passive choice—especially with everything you're carrying.

You don't have to be perfect to be strong.

You're strong because you keep going.

And for someone who has felt really, really weak lately...

That hit hard.

He chuckled at the end of the appointment and told me to remember that brains are liars... and usually negative ones at that.

And when he made me say that I was strong...

I dang near almost believed it.

So this is your little reminder to stop being so hard on yourself. ❤️

And remember...

There's so much strength in choosing to swim... even when you're carrying bricks. 🧱❤️

08/04/2026

Ok .. who has been gate keeping about how amazing the Layton Aquarium & Wildlife Encounters is ?!

They are in BIG trouble 😂❤️❤️!

Well I’m sharing the secret .. this is one of the COOLEST places I’ve been to , along with other cool interactions I had there, I got to PET AND FEED A SLOTH 🦥 in Layton UTAH! Make that make sense !!!!!
Sloths have been one of my favorite animals since I was a kid , and I’ve only seen one in captivity one time . So to be able to pet and feed one .. I’m pretty sure this moment is one of the highlights of my life 😂!

This aquarium is Utah’s true hidden jem!
I’m going to be posting more content on it . But you HAVE to visit this aquarium !

07/29/2026

Alex Warren has me 99.9% convinced that I need a confetti cannon. 😂🎉

But instead of using it in sold-out stadiums… imagine the possibilities of using it for everyday moments.

Like… walking into Costco? BOOM. Confetti everywhere. 😂😂

Seriously though, Alex and his new bestie at his Utah concert was just about the cutest thing EVER. 🥹

Alex, if you’re ever accepting applications for more besties… I’d like to submit mine. 😂🙋‍♀️

07/28/2026

The other day, I went out to lunch and then back to my friend’s house to play video games and watch a movie to celebrate her new job.

And I almost felt like me again.

Literally, it felt like the old me came for a visit.

I was laughing and telling stories, getting excited about purses and earrings, cuddling dogs, and cracking jokes about being a great “cheerleader” during video games when I was trash-talking SO hard that I was going to kick all their butts before I started actually playing.

(I swear, the old game consoles, like the GameCube, are SO MUCH HARDER to control than the modern ones, like a Nintendo Switch 😂)

I had strategies to keep the killer pain from the tumors in my uterus under control, so I was able to just enjoy the moment instead of living in the past.

And at times it almost felt like what happened didn’t happen.

And then these waves of grief would hit me.

I must admit, I still don’t fully understand them.

Someone would crack a medical-related joke (which I am usually the first to crack), or I’d get a random really bad pelvic pain, or the sorrow would come out of nowhere.

As if my brain would remind me…

You can’t forget that trauma happened.

It was real.

You can’t forget.

I’d internally take a deep breath, use little tricks to get my brain to refocus on the current moment, and honestly, after a few minutes, I’d go back to having a great day.

That night, I came home glowing as I told my mom and sister about my day and showed them the PERFECT purse and earrings I got .

Then I went to the shower, and out of nowhere, I started sobbing.

Making me wonder if all the progress I’ve made to get through this trauma had just been thrown out the window.

And confirming a fear that after being harmed by someone who took an oath to heal…

Who I was before then may never come back.

But I don’t think being brave is having your world shattered…

Then, in a couple days, putting it back together with Elmer’s glue, and when you deem it presentable, never thinking about, mourning, or coping with what you lost and what happened to you.

I think it’s a collection of little moments like:

“I ate a normal meal for the first time in weeks.”

“I went to an exam and prioritized my health even though I was shaking in fear.”

“I felt the desire and ability to do what I love to do for the first time in a long time.”

“I went out with friends.”

Sure, in between these steps, I may have cried, grieved, panicked, and felt so, so mad that it feels like the girl I was before the trauma is gone.

But the most important step…

Is that I kept going forward.

I’m learning that when your world shatters, you have to heal from the pain—not hide from it.

And it’s a terrifying realization.

But I feel I’ll be stronger for it.

I may never be the girl I was before.

But I hope I let something horrid change me into someone better.

And…

“Let these cracks be filled with gold.”

07/27/2026

Well friends , I think they lied 🤥… I’m pretty sure have more fun 😋! I am LOVING my new haircut and it is so low maintenance! If your thinking about chopping all your hair off, I HIGHLY recommend 😉❤️

The Life Of Me, Smile Magee

08/14/2026

08/14/2026

08/13/2026

08/10/2026

08/07/2026

08/05/2026

08/04/2026

07/29/2026

07/28/2026

07/27/2026

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