Religious Women and Abuse, an experience. The psychology of a Narcissist

09/15/2026

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1KHaQHhAtx/

07/07/2026

Part 56

As evening settled over El Cajon, California, my life felt confined to that small dorm room. Watching TV had once been a distraction, but now nothing made me laugh or brought me any enjoyment.
I watched whatever I could find on my work laptop because the room didn't have a television—comedies, movies, romances. None of it reached me.
Something was radically changing in my mind, and it frightened me. Nothing seemed worth it anymore. I felt completely empty. How awful that sensation is—that hollow ache in your chest, powerful enough to remind you that a huge piece of your heart is missing.
The worst part was imagining the man I had known so well laughing, making jokes, while picturing me wounded and lost. Six weeks was enough time for him to brainwash our son. Plenty of time.
"Lord Jesus, will You let this happen?"
I felt like Job. What else, Lord? I had nothing of value left—except my job. Would You take that too? Could You?
I made sure I went to work every day, even when I was in tears. Weekends were torture. There was no one else's pain to distract me from my own. I was alone, left to face my own misery.

06/14/2026

Narcissists....

03/31/2026

Part 55

I'm sitting in the hospital cafeteria at work having lunch. Suddenly I remembered that awful feelíng when the three of us were somewhere and my ex placed his big ànd heavy hand on our son's shoulder and walked ahead with him.

I followed behind both of them as if I was invisible. That was his purpose, to make me feel invisible, unimportant, like I was nothing. For some reason today I feel the same way!

Here, sitting and looking around at families and couples and children, I sit alone, feeling like nothing.

It is not my ex, I realize. It is my son! After so many years is like his father is still guiding his shoulder farther away from me, from the world of the dead....

Why don't you call him? Good- intentioned people ask. I have, he did not call back.

Why don't you go and see if you can talk to him? Where? All I know is a state, not a home, not a coffee place somewhere where we could sit and talk.

And I am tired of being humiliated! I am tired of bad names and accusations that his father placed in his head when he was still a kid. I will not let him reject me again, at least, not to my face!

But, he is not a kid now, he is more mature. How do I know that, how do you know that?

He has my phone number, my address, he has seen pictures of my new life, of his sister, fifteen years younger.

Long time ago I prayed and asked God to bring him back to me, except if he was like his father, my ex-husband. And I pray to God that doesn't repeat. No, God, don't let my son be like him! Don't let him be like that!

And what a mystery is motherhood! You love, you care, you defend and protect, and the kid never remembers....

09/30/2025

Exactly like my ex-husband.

Almost every selfish or manipulative person you meet in life isn't a sociopath, but some people take it way too far. Sociopaths have no empathy for anyone, lie without blinking an eye, & manipulate others for personal gain (while feeling no guilt). They may look charming at first, but with time, the...

07/25/2025

Part 54

Moving from a two-bedroom apartment to a dorm room was humbling.
The mini fridge could only hold a limited amount, and in the summer heat of El Cajon, California, the one thing I needed most was water.

Some of the seminary students told me the 99 Cent Store had small items that would fit in a mini fridge, so I went. I felt embarrassed to be there. I believed it was a store for low-income people—those who couldn’t afford to shop elsewhere.

(Please understand: I was unaware that anyone could shop at the 99 Cent Store. It simply meant people were being smart about saving money.)

In my ignorance, I cried. I took it as yet another sign that my life—and reputation—was sinking to its lowest point.

My pride.

Once again, my pride was revealing itself as a major obstacle in my life.

Wiping away my tears, I suddenly heard a voice behind me call out, “Mama!”—just the way my son used to. Without thinking, I stretched my arm backward, instinctively reaching for the voice that I thought was calling for me.

But it wasn’t.

It was another Hispanic boy calling out to his mother.

That’s when the harshest realization struck me:

Who am I, if I’m no longer a mother?

05/20/2025

Part 53

Again, I called my supervisor from Hospice, where I worked as a chaplain, and explained what was happening in my life at that time. Once again, she was supportive.

I was taking psychology classes at Southern California Seminary back then, but due to my personal problems, I had taken a summer break. From that voice I had heard that morning at the hotel, I understood that my next phone call should be to the seminary. It was a Friday, the start of the Fourth of July weekend.

I called in the morning, between patient visits, and left a message for the dean’s secretary, who was my friend, Dianna. I also left a message for the financial officer, Angela, but no one answered. The message was short but specific: “My husband got me out of the house with a TRO. I have nowhere to go for at least six weeks. Is there room in the seminary dorms for me?”

My only mental respite was caring for the spiritual needs of my dying patients, so I worked and worked as if Christ were coming that very day. By 4:00 p.m., no one had returned my calls, so I went to the seminary in El Cajon, CA. The place was deserted, and I found only one person in an office. I asked her what was happening, and she explained that no one was working because of the Fourth of July weekend. She must have noticed my panic when I asked her to call the dean and ask if there was a room I could use for a while. A little while later, my friend Angela called and asked me to come—Dianna had prepared a room for me!

I thanked them. I thanked God. I cried with both gratitude and shame. My mind tortured me with accusations—for in my pride and self-righteousness, I had never imagined that something like this could happen to good people. And certainly not to me.

When I entered the dormitory building, I was welcomed with hugs, words of support, and prayers.

The room was small. It had a single bed, a mini-fridge, and a microwave. It also had a closet and a small bathroom with a shower.
I was safe from my ex, but not from myself.

I'm a petite woman, and in those six weeks, I went from a size 4 to a size 0—the same weight I had been in college before I had children.

12/05/2024

Part 52

I kissed my Shiba Inu dog 'good bye for now' and left. According to the Temporary Restraining Order I would come back to my apartment after 6 weeks.

It was late, and I made a few phone calls.
I was embarrassed thinking how having a TRO against me must look in the sight of others.

At that time of my life I discovered how many of my actions had been driven by pride and not necessarily by humility. Too proud to admit that I was in an abusive marriage! Too proud to be alone and be one more divorced woman! Divorced felt in my heart too much like unwanted, unloved, and maybe even a failure!

The ones that were my friends offered the couch, or the sofa...I needed to be realistic, I needed a place for 6 weeks!

It was a Thursday, and the 4th of July weekend. So, trying to think of a place to go and crying unconsolably, I parked in a road of Hillcrest near my workplace I thought of going inside and sleep in a closet where we kept toys and blankets for the pediatric patients. But I would have to tell the security guard, who would probably feel sorry for me.

I, again, found myself in Hotel Circle and found the best price for a night. I emptied the few belongings I could grab at home from my car into the hotel room. I knew that I could not stay there for the whole weekend for the prices were going up for the 4th celebratios.

Inside the room I prayed, and cried, and thought, and talked to my sister again. Just as I did in April, I explained to her what was happening this time. I could hear the anger in her voice; her desire to save me, and her sense of powerlessness.

I tried reading the Psalms, which I do when I cannot pray, but nothing made sense. The TRO was such a bunch of lies!

I thought of my 13 year old son, who for a while now knew that my ex was trying to separate us. What a disappointment! My baby boy!

I was angry about my ex husband's stunt just to get me out of the apartment and separated from my son, but I was not surprised. I knew now that his evil character had no limits. But my son, the the love of my life. The feeling that I had about my son was different. Such a big sense of disillusion and loss!

I thought it had to be a mistake and made an appointment to see the judge on the coming Monday. I wanted to explain, to clarify, to tell him why the previous judge had left my son in my house with me. I wanted him to give me back my son!

I could not sleep! I didn't know where to go for the next night. In the morning when I woke up I heard a loud thought in my head tell me, "the seminary, go to the seminary". I was in awe of the message and thought that was a great option.

09/25/2024

https://youtube.com/shorts/59hl3PPV3ww?si=mJTA6OqqaCMIWGNc

09/06/2024

The last message I posted while trying to reach my son (14 years after the day described in part 51)

There's a moment when the tears stop because you realize that life has turned different for you, as a mother, than you ever thought it would.
He's gone, and even though you look to excuse him; he was young, he didn't know... Now he's a grown up, a man, and life only changes if we want to change it.
It doesn't matter where we go, we always find the same person everywhere, ourselves.
We need to take a look and see who we are, and choose the path we can live with for the rest of our lives.
One day we'll be alone. The time we wasted doesn't come back. The people we abandoned will also die, and then...we will still be there facing ourselves with an empty journal in hand.
And the question hunts me every day, as a mother, what was my sin? I stayed too long, I trusted, I didn't believe it could happen to me. Well, it did!