09/08/2026
This is a pointed and vulnerable post for me. Some of you might find parts of this difficult to hear.
I continually find that as I dig deeper into the unconscious and dig out what’s been repressed, what remains is who I actually am. In some teachings, there is a denial of the self. You are not the body, not the emotions, not the thoughts. This is true and on some level we have some combination of having created or fed all these thought forms within us. A lot of suffering in our life is caused by what we’ve stuffed down into the subconscious. Some people mistakenly think that just because you don’t feel it anymore then it’s a non issue. What is actually happening for most people is that all this did was bury it and it runs you without your awareness. These deeper repressed emotions will use our mind against us. It will create stories, emotions, beliefs, and patterns within us and pushes that up to our conscious mind. If we never actually go into what’s repressed, we will process all the stuff on the surface forever and never get down to what’s actually causing the issues in the first place.
For me, I was so buried in my own s**t that I couldn’t even see something as simple as my own desires. My whole life revolved around self help, study, healing and doing service, and things needing to be done a certain way. So much so that it led to burnout and losing certain relationships I held so dear to me. This year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. So much loss and disconnection from things and loved ones that I found comforting and grounding. It's been an intense burning away that forced me to go deeper inward. Intense and consistent inner work, service and tithing, and the guidance from many different teachers, every single day for this year has helped to relatively minimize the amount of time I’ve had to be in all of this. The deep trauma and shadow of what has gripped me since my childhood is lifting and I'm feeling like a whole new person. As my mentor Scott Kiloby, and so many other teachers I’ve had, always kept pointing me to, I’m finding love and safety within. Releasing the deep traumas, patterns, beliefs, fears, anger, and anything that was repressed was and is the key to this. We all have it, some more than others.
I’ve been slowly opening up to people around me lately and it’s been incredibly eye opening, healing, and also deeply painful. Speaking up directly to people, showing them who I really am and what I really think and realizing through these conversations that I was incredibly wrong about several things. I had allowed the inner stories to paint a picture without confirming or asking. I wasn’t speaking up, I wasn’t saying no, I wasn’t setting proper boundaries, and I was allowing certain beliefs, stories, and unmet needs from my upbringing to completely run me. These deep embedded thought forms overtook me and I’m so grateful to the support I had to help me through this deep deep pain and loss. I will NEVER hold myself back with loved ones ever again.
I’ve been finding myself exploring more lately, going out and doing things I would’ve felt so much resistance to in the past and really enjoying myself. Walking around in nature, swimming in lakes, dancing, meeting new people and speaking up. The interactions I’ve been having with people have been wildly different as well. The future of my life will be more balanced, more time for fun and connection and not totally burying myself in work. As my spiritual teacher Master Choa Kok Sui teaches, we must have moderation and non excessiveness in our life.
This is an amazing video from my mentor scott on figuring out what you actually want. I highly recommend it if you have difficulties with figuring out exactly what you want in life.
Take this test to see if you have emotional repression: https://nrf...
