Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Marriage and Family Therapist, Writer "Codependency for Dummies" (http://amzn.to/1BBcrWO) is available in bookstores and online.
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My new book, "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” is available as a PDF here: https://whatiscodependency.com/dating-loving-and-leaving-a-narcissist
or paperback here: https://amzn.to/3M8DjoM, Ask your local store to order it for you. It's based on personal experience and over 30 years of helping people overcom

e addiction and codependency and improve their self-esteem, marriage and relationships. It contains self-assessments, an in-depth explanation of symptoms and relationship dynamics, and steps and exercises to recover. Readers quickly see changes and acquire skills to solve problems, better communicate, and manage emotions and boundaries. Because self-esteem and assertiveness are so important in recovery, I also wrote ebooks, "10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism" and "How to Speak your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits" + webinars on both topics. I published 5 more ebooks, including: "Dealing with a Narcissist," "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human - How to Beat Perfectionism," "Codependency Daily Reflections" and "Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps. All ebooks may be downloaded from my website at http://bit.ly/1KFwTv5, and from online booksellers, including Amazon, www.Barnesand Noble.com, and www.Smashwords.com. My second book, "Conquering Codependency and Shame: 8 Steps to Freeing your True Self" (https://amzn.to/37fueWd ) published by Hazelden Publishers, sheds new light on shame: how our feelings and beliefs about shame affect our identity, our behavior, and how shame can corrode relationships, destroying trust and love. I provide eight steps to heal from shame, learn to love yourself, and develop healthy relationships. I bring a wide range of professional and life experience to my practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT 27909). My work is informed by self-psychology, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychoanalytic psychotherapy, Voice-Dialogue, dream analysis, Jungian therapy, and hypnosis. Prior to becoming a psychotherapist, I practiced entertainment law. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases via links to Amazon.

07/20/2026
07/06/2026

I came across this letter to my son on his 18th birthday. What struck me was that I'm still learning the lessons I'd thought I'd learned at 41.

When I was 18, I had three more years until I turned 21 to think about being an “adult.” When I was 21, I knew you’re not really an adult until you’re 25. Well, at 41, I’m still discovering immature parts of myself, long buried under a façade of pseudo-maturity, but I can say that in the last several years, I’ve begun to feel like a mature adult, and it isn’t at all what I pictured back then. So, I thought I’d share my discoveries with you:

It has more to do with knowing myself rather than knowing the “rules of the game,“ how to fit in, or what others expect me, and being able to admit that I’m wrong and that I don’t know, rather than being right and being sure that I know. It means allowing the kid inside of me to have fun and kick back, instead of pretending she doesn’t exist and taking life so seriously. Along with that, it means being able to ask for help and to acknowledge that I’m weak, rather than being strong and invulnerable, which is what I thought grown-ups were; and being ready to learn something new and make mistakes, rather than having finally learned it all.

It means being willing to take risks to say and do what I want and feel, and take the consequences to; and knowing that today is the most important day of my life, because it’s the only day I can do anything about, and not “when“ or “if only“ this or that happens. Finally, it means knowing I’m no better and no less than anyone else, but, in fact, the same, packaged differently, but the same inside, and so I can forgive myself, my shortcomings along with everyone else– in a word, finally accepting my humanity and becoming a comfortable member of it.

Remember, there are no mistakes, only choice and consequences. You will set many goals in the years to come, and that’s good to work towards, but don’t lose sight of the fact that you are absolutely perfect. If you never accomplish one, and from the day you were born, you were the most perfect and loving being. You have all the resources you’ll ever need to be happy, right within you.
Love always,
Mom

Celebrate your independence on the 4th!
07/03/2026

Celebrate your independence on the 4th!

Often daughters of fathers with NPD are attracted to men with NPD.
05/04/2026

Often daughters of fathers with NPD are attracted to men with NPD.

Daughters of narcissistic fathers suffer long-term effects to their self-worth and love relationships. Find out why and how and what to do

04/05/2026

Control varies from mild to abusive to coercive control.

03/26/2026

Many of us learned to deny our feelings when it wasn't safe to share them as a child. We found ways not to feel with distraction, caring for others, or addiction to habits or drugs. Recovery includes learning to stay with our feelings.

03/22/2026

Look for my April blog on recognizing control, from mild to abusive to coercive, and what you can do. Sign up at buff.ly/ULQjaNi

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