07/23/2026
I bring advanced clinical training in working with couples and families in the midst of high conflict divorces. Because of that, especially in the last 7 years ive witnessed multiple couples spending over 2 years navigating the divorce process AND one pattern continues to prove itself to be true... divorce itself can become a vehicle for coercive control, a dynamic that often goes unnamed but deserves to be recognized and not silenced.
In the last few years Ive witnessed and held hands with those who are often the parent genuinely trying to move forward, the one continuing to prioritize the children's well-being, protecting their stability, preserving the routines that help them thrive, and making decisions based on their needs rather than the conflict.
Ive also witnessed and walked alonside those who are truly grieving and in the wake of that honest grief, in order to remain in connection with themselves, they exhaust themselves to only look for evidence that back self-serving decisions and the false belief their needs and wants are actually the children's best interests. Because of the grief, rage, and lonliness that is real, this all usually happens while attempting to add the children into their lives, instead of having built a life with and around the children first. Placing blame instead of working on accountability.
As clinicians, parents, and professionals, we must learn to recognize when a divorce is no longer about resolving differences but about perpetuating control. Repeated antagonism, unnecessary litigation, and using the legal system as a means to control, as a means to implement parenting rights that already exist, or to possibly punish the other parent out of their own rage and hurt are not signs of healthy co-parenting, they are continued warning signs. Children deserve parents, if it is truly about "the best interests of the child/children" the childrens wants, needs, stability should be respected even when it may not be ideal for the parents. It is about what is working and what is ideal for the kids with the least amount of disruption. These moments prove who truly has the best interest of the children in mind. Those who do not, use the system to play the role of the parent so they do not have to claim responsibility for the disruptions and add force and pressure onto the kids to meet their needs, where none of that pressure is actually necessary. Ive witnessed how this often becomes more about one parents grief, rage, and lonliness than it is about the kids emotional, psychological, and overall health. It may become more about proving something to others and themselves rather than loving their children in ways that may cause us to sit with heartbreak at times.
I'm being contacted weekly with people wanting to be heard, believed, and experiencing harm in ongoing divorce processes that used to take no more than 6 months to resolve.
Systems are built to ensure clients keep paying, delays are viewed as delays though they impact the support and well being of the children. Adults often feel forced to coerce kids for more time immediately and not at the pace the child knows is most healthy for them. They may use many tactics in order to prove to the systems in place they are trying, even when co-parenting is about choice, flexibility, and collaboration...the ideal.
Professionals may literally say in one breath "it's about the best interest of the kids" while in the next breath say, "the kids don't get choice and don't have a voice within these matters" pressuring clients to go faster than the kids pace and most likely rupturing a connection that is being built slowly but very successfully in the time frames the systems werent used to dictate what is best for a family system and children they've never met. Unfortunately, it often becomes a game we dont want to play and people begin using the kids as pawns to win a case instead of lookinh at how these moments may impact long term thriving or surviving.
Kids are repeatedly used in these cases. We hear "the childrens/childs wellness and best interests are at the forefront" yet we witness a parent complicit in silencing and stripping the kids of their choices and voices instead of trusting the relationship they say they have with them. They stop advocating for their kids to have a voice and choice in fear of the slower pace and accountability to build a safe relationship without a court or other professionals telling the kids it is mandated.
🙏Our generations can change this dynamic. But it has to be in unity. All egos and defenses aside. We can do better for our kids and their generations to come. Divorce does not have to be traumatic or disruptive. I know for many that is also not realistic, but the more that can do it, the better.
❤️To all of those who have contacted me in your struggles with this in the past 7 years, within the last 3 as divorces seem to be more and more delayed and used as weapons, to all of those who ive had the honor to walk alongside during this long journey, I see you and I honor you. Your experience is real.
💥 If this speaks to you, be aware of these signs and keep seeing what is happening clearly.
-Quotes directly taken from an expert specializing in high conflict divorce procedures and learning to recognize hidden Narcissism within those procedures.-
