10/29/2025
A common sentiment that I have heard repeatedly over the last year or so, particularly among gay men, is "I am so tired of the dating/hookup apps, they are so toxic." While I understand the general sense of what clients are trying to say, I do ask for more specificity to understand their unique perspectives. Generally it falls into 1 of 3 categories:
1) People are flaky or I keep getting ghosted
2) I met up with or hooked up with the person but now that I've scratched that itch, I still feel like I am still desiring something
3) I am spending far more time than I would like on apps-- sometimes several--sometimes for many hours per day.
If you find yourself falling into this style of thinking, I would encourage you to consider a few points.
1) What are your genuine intentions with the apps? While some folks certainly are looking for a quick hookup or one night stand or have a high libido, many times I hear people sharing frustration that they are not receiving the kind of companionship they want from the apps. While I realize not all apps are created equally and people do get married from hookup apps, generally speaking Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies, etc. are not typically going to lead to meaningful long-term connections. Indeed, plenty of people struggle to find that on apps that are geared toward more long-term dating (Hinge, OkCupid, Match, etc). So be real with yourself about what you are seeking and it is okay for that to change over time.
2) Internal versus external locus of control. Many times people are wanting the validation that comes with a hot guy sliding into your DM's or sending you nudes or telling you that they want to rendezvous. The dopamine receptors in your brain start firing and it typically is experienced as exciting but then your brain needs more and more of the validation and ego stroking to feel good and confident. So people begin to impulsively chase that feeling and because they know its fleeting and only lasts so long, they have to keep chasing that external validation. If we shift the locus of control from external to internal, we become responsible for our own sense of self and happiness. So when the guy you have been talking to fails to respond to you, you might be able to say something like "this is disappointing but I know I am a great catch and I'm not going to let this ruin my night, I'm going to go do [insert positive pro-social activity] for myself." There is this real sense that someone's response to you, whether approval or disapproval, is not going to entirely highjack your emotions and ruin your day or self-concept.
3) Internet addiction in many forms is real and it is easy to jump on apps when the purpose is not to actively hook up or strike up meaningful conversations. What would it look like to delete the apps for even a week or two? Perhaps try it and see what you notice. How many times do you instinctively try to open up the app? What does it mean when nobody is reaching out to you in a flirty manner--does it change your mood at all? What would it look like for you to try to overcome the social anxiety of approaching a person face to face and share that you are interested in getting to know them better. I understand that rejection sensitivity is real and something a lot of folks are dealing with, but you don't get to companionship without at first facing the fear of rejection.
Despite a lot of internet chats happening, people still often find partners face to face--so if you are single or looking to date and the apps are not working well for you, I encourage you to pour into events that you like yourself! If you are a runner, join a running club! Like ceramics? Great, join a studio! Enjoy playing games--find a local meetup! The goal is to keep your eyes open for potential suitors while still enjoying yourself, even if nothing happens!
Gratefully,
Josh
