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Pine Ridge Pastoral Counseling Services, 504 E Fayette Street, Syracuse, NY (2026)

06/01/2026

PASTORAL COUNSELING: EXPOSING TOXIC RELIGION

The recent merger of right-wing politics with Evangelical Christianity confuses clients who seek counseling from a pastoral counselor. So, I want to share some thoughts about what pastoral counseling means for me.

Pastoral Counseling in Perspective

Looking back over the years since Pine Ridge began, I realize how dynamic Pastoral Counseling (PC) is.

Pastoral Counseling recognizes that not all emotional problems are pathological. Life transitions, losses and death raise profound spiritual questions that benefit from counseling. Also, PC demonstrates how faith and psychology can work together to improve mental health.

Initially, PC was an effort to demonstrate how faith and psychology were not hostile to each other. For example, Bible stories, like the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42), reveal important psychological concepts. Luke's story demonstrates how anxiety and being overwhelmed sometimes masquerade as irritability and anger.

Over the years, however, things changed. Unfortunately, many of my clients reported emotional trauma connected to their experience with religion; instead of increasing a sense of love and gratitude, it deepened their sense of sinfulness and unworthiness.

Rather than simply translating psychological concepts into more familiar biblical or theological ones, my role evolved to addressing abuses of religious teaching.

The toxic religion can seriously damage self-esteem and create false and debilitating feelings of guilt and shame. These findings are not simply mine but are also confirmed by repeated studies. Examples of Toxic Theology and Religious Trauma - Death, Grief, and Belief

Sadly, the media gives its attention to clergy's more sensational abuse by clergy but often overlooks the more subtle emotinal damage caused by harmful religious doctrines. Indeed, not enough light shines on the psychological harm created by corrosive religious teaching.

With this in mind, here are some telltale signs of harmful religion to watch out for. toxic religion | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Emphasizing Sin Over Love

One tell-tale sign of toxic religion is its emphasis on a person's innate sinfulness. To be clear, the Gospel is about the good news of God's redeeming love. This teaching, when combined with harsh or critical childhood experiences, creates a self-image that is so negative that a person cannot hear or believe that s/he are worthy of God's love.

This negative view of humanity stems from the theological notion of atonement. Atonement is the belief that human sin created a debt to God that Jesus' sacrificial death paid. This view comes from a negative assessment of human nature.

For many, teaching that one is essentially evil creates a deep-rooted sense of shame. When combined with harsh parental criticism and put-downs, this sense of irradicable guilt can lead to serious psychopathology.

Fear and Condemnation of Normal S*xuality

Remarkably, even now, clients express extreme guilt and panic over normal things like ma********on. Sadly, many churches send out less-than-positive messages about s*x to their followers.

It is helpful to understand that this negativity dates back to the beginning of Christianity. To review, Christians believed that Jesus' return was imminent. Of particular concern, his return would bring a spiritual transformation which would eliminate material existence and therefore s*x. As a result, s*x was not a theological focus.

Indeed, Jesus' failure to return shocked early believers and resulted in the creation of the church. As church doctrine evolved. With respect to s*x, St. Augustine set the negative tone for s*x. Writing that infants were in need of Baptism, because, at conception, the parents' lust transmitted sin to the child. Logos Virtual Library: Saint Augustine: Confessions, I, 7

It should be noted that, prior to his conversion to Christianity, Aurelius Augustinus of Hippo was s*xually promiscuous and experienced terrible guilt for his s*xual sins. The projection of this guilt into the Christian tradition is not only obvious but psychologically unfortunate.

Church history aside, it needs to be clear that ma********on is not only normal but a healthy means of stress relief. Ma********on: Facts & Benefits

Subordination of Women

Another demeaning aspect of toxic religion is its subjugation of women. Some believe that Jesus only had men as disciples and cite 1 Timothy 2:11-12 (women should be silent and not have authority over men) to support this view. In fact, Jesus said nothing about the inferior status of women and entrusted Mary Magdalene with important responsibilities. Luke 8:1-3.

Again, putting this belief into context helps. Historically, women were the first leaders of the church. Worship consisted of prayer and meals of remembrance in kitchens in their homes. Later, when the church was institutionalized under a Roman military format, women were excluded. It is notable that four gospels ( Mary, Philip, Sophia, and Thomas were deemed inauthentic, in part because of their acceptance of women's equality.“I Have Seen the Lord” Mary Magdalene in the New Testament and Early Christianity - CBE International

Certainly, in today's world, clinging to the notion of women's innate inferiority is not only absurd but also emotionally damaging to men as well as women.

Denial of Science

Abusive religion also demands that a person deny logic and fact and choose faith over science. The consequences of this conflict can be more than emotional. As a practical concern, it may not matter if one thinks the earth is 6 thousand or 4 billion years old; sometimes choosing science does matter: e.g., when a child dies because a parent chose faith over medical science. More recently, anti-vax hysteria endangered public safety.

Fortunately, this conflict is not necessary. Unlike science, faith embraces the transcendent, including moral values and ultimate purpose. Science deals with the material, empirical and quantifiable. If one understands and keeps their distinctive realms separate, there is no contradiction or need to choose between religion and science.

Rigidity and the Absence of Humility

Finally, the trademark of abusive religion is its rigidity and lack of humility concerning human understanding. Despite historical evidence revealing how beliefs have changed, literalists hold fast to their fixed beliefs. Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who... book by Bart D. Ehrman

Rigidity in the face of change is not a sign of mental health. Indeed, good mental health is characterized by a person's ability to be flexible and reasonably adaptable to life's challenges.

_____________________________________________________________________

Despite its problems, I believe that non-toxic faith is an important part of good mental health. The ability to love oneself and others is faith's fundamental message. Likewise, feeling gratitude for life's blessings and trusting that there is an ultimate purpose and meaning for one's journey on this earth are hallmarks of emotional well-being. That said, I conclude with I Thessalonians 5:20-21: "Do not quench the Spirit, do not despise prophesying, but test everything; hold fast what is good" .

Rev, Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 6 1 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

05/17/2026

DOES YOUR MARRIAGE NEED A TUNE-UP ?

How are things going in your marriage? Are you having more arguments and less s*x ? Do you feel distant from one another ? Are you laughing less and shouting more ?

The fact is, even the best marriages go through dry patches and rough times. That's because intimate relationships are complicated and don't run all by themselves. They require ongoing care and effort. That's why it's important to have a marital tune-up from time to time, when a couple reflects on what areas may need improvement. Marriage Tune-up | The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology

With that in mind, when's the last time you thought about how well your marriage was running? If you're like many folks, it's been a while. Rather than thinking of marriage as something that takes care of itself, it's more helpful to think of a relationship like an automobile that requires regular maintenance to run smoothly.

If talking about a tune-up sounds too mechanical, giving your marriage a spring cleaning is another way to think about marital relationship maintenance. Spring Cleaning Your Marriage: Tips for Rejuvenating Romance | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY However you refer to it, it's important to take time to assess and address what isn't working before it becomes a serious problem.

With that in mind, here are some tips for dealing with the most common problems in marriage. While a tune-up takes some effort, you'll be amazed by what a difference it makes.

1) Improve Communication

The number one problem most couples struggle with is poor communication. Either they tend to hold in and not tell their partner what is really on their mind, or they bring it up in ways that trigger unpleasantness and anger, often making matters worse and discouraging further discussion.

While it's natural to criticize your partner, it's more helpful to express your concerns in terms of what you're feeling and what you want. Making “I”-statements (rather than “you”- statements) helps your partner to hear your concern without becoming defensive. Learning to communicate directly without personal attacks can dramatically improve communication and help resolve relational conflicts.

2) Be More Thoughtful and Considerate

It is common for folks who've been together for a while to take one another for granted and stop doing the little things that make their partner feel special. The prior, naturally felt attentiveness was the result of the release of the body's love drug, Phenylethylamine (PEA), which wears off over time.

It is important to understand that the excitement of being together is not gone for good, but it does take effort to reignite it. Fortunately, intentional kindness and consideration can replace PEA and rekindle faded intimacy and desire. In addition to romantic gestures like saying I love you, or bringing home flowers, small considerate things like running errands, vacuuming, or anything that makes life a little easier for your partner, stoke love and passion.

3) Pay More Attention to Personal Appearance

Another common casualty of long-term relationships is personal appearance. Sadly, many folks just stop trying to look nice for their mate. Looking nice doesn't mean that one has to "dress up" all the time. It just means attending to your personal hygiene, what you're wearing, and how you look.

Simple things, like getting rid of those ratty shorts or buying a new shirt, can not only improve your appearance but also send the message that you want your partner to like how you look.

4) Increase Romance and Intimacy

Modern life is hectic and filled with many stressful obligations. This is particularly true for young couples with kids. As a result, having s*x suffers. Nonetheless, good marriages must make time for and schedule romance. Understandably, there are times when finding time to be alone is difficult. Even so, it is important to understand that having uncluttered time alone for closeness and s*x is vital to a happy marriage. Planning ahead for childcare and scheduling special times can do the trick.

5) Keep Perspective by Remembering the Good Times

When folks are under stress, it is easy to fall down a dark hole of negativity. This is not only difficult for the person experiencing it but also for their partner and family. Learning how to monitor stress and pessimism can help one to prevent depressed moods from getting out of hand.

Reminsicing with your mate about good times from the past helps restore a more balanced perspective. (Of course, if feeling hopeless persists, talk with your doctor or therapist.)

________________________________________________________________________________________

So, if getting a marriage tune-up sounds interesting, it's easy to do. Just tell your partner about this blog post. Ask them to think about what they like and don't like about your relationship. Then, ask how s/he'd feel about sitting down and discussing things that need improvement. Set a time and the rest will take care of itself. As always, if things are more complicated, talk to a marriage therapist.

Of course, there are other concerns that can be part of a marital tune-up, but I hope the areas I've listed give you an idea and help you get started. The goal of a marital tune-up is, of course, is to address overlooked or neglected problems. Beyond that, a marital tune-up helps you and your partner develop ongoing mindfulness about your relationship's needs and an increased ability to talk over difficult issues. Having a marital tune-up will not only keep your marriage in tip-top shape but also restore much of the original joy and excitement, and deepen your intimacy and sense of closeness.

Rev, Michael Heeath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 5 17 2026

www.rev,michaelheath.com

05/01/2026

Science Assaulted with the Reprieve of "Reparative “ Therapy

With the soaring price of gas, the Iran War, and the Supreme Court's latest assault on civil rights, Americans have a lot to worry about. Don't look now, but there is another, ongoing problem that is getting worse, viz., the growing anti-science mentality of our government's leadership.

It’s time for America to restore respect for science. Not only does the misinformation regarding things like climate change, transgender issues, or vaccines defy reason, but it also poses serious risks to our nation’s health and well-being.

Even more discouraging is seeing the Supreme Court continue to chip away at settled science. Consider how they recently overturned Colorado’s law, which banned reparative therapy (RT) https://www.npr.org/2026/03/31/nx-s1-5768170/the-supreme-court-struck-down-a-ban-on-conversion-therapy-in-colorado

This ruling is a serious blow to the authority of medical and psychotherapeutic science. In response, California’s legislature moved to bolster its ban it. In turn, the Washington Post (Post) ran an editorial accusing the California legislature of choosing ideology over freedom of speech. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2026/04/23/californias-conversion-therapy-bill-puts-ideology-over-free-speech/?fbclid=IwY2xjawRYWyBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZBAyMjIwMzkxNzg4MjAwODkyAAEeuhPPM6Xvc_ndkNuK6zxQrcCDFrYon5iBmcQgCqiNUsOiqW62c-TAvRG779s_aem_01ftp_xEu-gaKRAP1lmMXg

Further, it condemned California’s legislature’s bill for holding reparative practitioners liable for damages. https://kesq.com/news/2026/04/19/california-responds-to-supreme-court-ruling-on-conversion-therapy-with-new-bill . It argues that a therapist’s freedom of speech trumps the anti-reparative therapy claims, which it calls ideological.

As a licensed mental health counselor, I disagree. (Reparative therapy’ | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY) Specifically, the Post editorial is wrong on two counts:

1) Opposition to reparative therapy is based on science and not ideology, and
2) Psychotherapists, like other medical professionals, do not have the same liberty of speech as in private conversations or public debate. Here’s why:

The Settled Science on Homos*xuality and Reparative Therapy

Over the years, the science concerning homos*xuality has changed. Although Sigmund Freud believed that homos*xuality was a neurosis, modern psychiatry does not. Here is a summary of the milestones that altered science’s view of homos*xuality and reparative therapy:

— 1973: The American Psychiatric Association (APA) removed homos*xuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), marking the end of it being considered a disorder.

— 1990s: Growing scientific consensus and research findings began to strongly dispute the effectiveness of “reparative” therapies, labeling them, instead, as social prejudice.

— 1997-1998: The APA declared that there was no published scientific evidence supporting the efficacy of reparative therapy.

— 2009: A comprehensive report by the APA officially concluded that conversion therapies are ineffective at changing s*xual orientation and can actually pose risks of harm. https://www.hrc.org/press-releases/medical-experts-lgbtq-people-agree-conversion-therapy-is-no-replacement-for-health-care #:~:text=Conversion%20therapy%20is%20universally%20opposed,the%20American%20School%20Health%20Association .

Laughably, the Post article referred to reparative therapy as a “traditional” view. Okay, in the 17th and 19th centuries, vapors was the traditional view explaining a variety of medical and emotional conditions. Invoking the term “traditional” proves nothing.

In fact, RT is a bogus therapy based on obsolete science. Counseling can not change a person’s s*xual orientation. To be clear, reparative therapy is both ineffective and potentially harmful. Repeated studies link it to increased risks of su***de, depression, and anxiety. https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/evidence-against-conversion-therapy

Note Bene; Studies that claimed high success rates for reparative therapy were fundamentally flawed in their methodology and, thus, their results were biased and invalid. (https://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy #:~:text=Some%20right%2Dwing%20religious%20groups,LGBTQ+)%20people%2C%20particularly%20youth )

A Word about the First Amendment and our Constitutional Right to Free Speech

As most folks know, the right of free speech is not unlimited. It does not permit the false yelling of “fire” in a crowded theatre. The logic of restriction is obvious. Such a false alarm could create panic and harm to individuals.

The constitution was primarily concerned with promoting public discourse and protecting the rights of minority political views to be expressed. Even though most speech is protected, the willful spread of malicious misinformation is not.

Legal Exceptions for False or Malicious Speech

Defamation (Libel and Slander): Speech that displays “actual malice”—publishing information with knowledge of its falsity or with reckless disregard for the truth—is not protected when it harms an individual’s reputation. (Supreme Court cases Gertz v. Robert Welch, Inc. (1974) and New York Times v. Sullivan (1964) established the “actual malice” standard for public officials.)

Fraud: Deliberate lies aimed at obtaining money or inducing others to misspend resources are unprotected. Illinois ex rel. Madigan v. Telemarketing Assoc., Inc. (2002) affirmed that consumer protection against misrepresentation is a valid government interest.

Perjury: Lying under oath is not protected because it undermines the integrity of the judicial system. Schenck v. United States (1919) introduced the “clear and present danger” test, famously exemplified by “falsely shouting fire in a theatre”. False Commercial Speech: Misleading or inherently deceptive advertising can be prohibited without violating the First Amendment.

Limitations on Professional/Therapeutic Speech

Although the current Supreme Court has not recognized it, the Professional Speech Doctrine is widely accepted by other courts and legal scholars. https://firstamendment.mtsu.edu/article/professional-speech-doctrine/ #:~:text=The%20professional%20speech%20doctrine%20is,harassing%20patients%20about%20gun%20ownership Basically, it argues that scientifically informed speech made by a licensed professional is essentially different from private conversations or public debate.

It’s important to understand that psychotherapists, like doctors, can’t practice without a license. Thus, having a license places the holder under limits and restrictions of the practice.

For example, if the standards of care are violated, they are liable for malpractice. Likewise, professional boards have the power to revoke a license for providing misinformation.

————————————————————————————With these facts in mind, views that disparage science and replace it with solely religious or political bias must be rejected. Going forward, our highest court must reconsider its position and restore respect for science. A professional speech exemption must be recognized.

The notion that science is just a liberal political point of view is patently irrational. We, as a society, must support reason and not turn the clock back on scientific progress to pander to the fears of the misinformed.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 5 01 2026 Fayetteville NY

www.revmichaelheath.com

04/16/2026

AGEISM AND THE STIGMA OF SENIOR S*XUALITY

Recently, I attended a workshop about s*xual well-being for seniors, and it was a real eye-opener. Although my practice specializes in human s*xuality, I was surprised to learn just how much the healthcare system fails older folks when it comes to s*x. Neglect in attending to their s*xual needs increases their risk of both physical and emotional disorders. . Here are some things to think about:

Senior Citizens: A Growing Population

For those who wonder why be concerned about seniors, it is important to understand that their population is growing. Currently, almost 1 in 5 are over 65 and 1 in 4 is over 60. In terms of numbers, there are over 86 million Americans aged 65 or older. Get the Facts on Older Americans. Given this trend, the number of folks affected by the problem will only increase

AGEISM

Let's face it, our youth-oriented culture is ageist, especially when it comes to s*x. Ageism is a stereotypical discrimination toward individuals based solely on advanced age. For example, seniors are often believed to be as*xual, because they're "just "too old.

Ageism also involves more than individual discrimination. It also affects physician education and institutional structures. Indeed, many medical school curricula often make learning about the s*xual well-being of older folks optional.

Even worse, Institutions fail to provide policies or structures that allow or promote physical intimacy for their residents. Many assisted living facilities do not recognize the s*xual rights of their older residents and actively discourage any s*xual behaviors by separating residents who pair off.

Sadly, many nursing homes do not provide basic safe-s*x information or encourage them to get help with s*x-related problems. Not surprisingly, senior citizen facilities report high rates of HIV and other s*xually transmitted infections.

S*xual Stigma

S*xual stigma is another aspect of ageism. While many folks feel embarrassed about s*x, what seniors experience goes way beyond embarrassment. To be clear, stigma is a profound, unfair mark of disapproval or shame imposed on individuals by society due to specific attributes like health conditions, behaviors, or appearance.

This stigma permeates not only younger people's attitudes but also healthcare professionals' as well. Not only are doctors poorly trained regarding geriatric s*xuality but many express emotional discomfort with the subject and thus are not emotionally supportive to their older patients, Don’t ask, don’t tell: Silence in the medical encounter when s*xual problems, aging, and health conditions meet | British Geriatrics Society

Sadly, ageism and s*xual stigma not only affect seniors' healthcare, but also their sense of their s*xual legitimacy. Often, disapproval and shaming from others result in an internalized guilt and disgust about their natural wants and desires. As a result, many older folks fail to seek help for s*xual issues, and, often, health care providers don't inquire about s*x-related concerns during regular check-ups.

For example, less than 40% of elderly women talk to their doctors about s*xual concerns and less than 25% of men do. Studies reveal that s*xual stigma even occurs in the doctor's office, Bottom line: many suffer in silence and go without effective treatment.

The Historical Context of S*xual Stigma

For those who wonder where all of this negativity came from, the answer is obvious. Most Americans of whatever age have always had a problem with s*x. Frankly, Christianity was a major factor in creating what has been called our culture's erotophobia. Erotophobia

From its inception, the church struggled with s*x. Early Christians believed that Christ's Second Coming would spiritualize life and eliminate all of the problems of the flesh. ( "In Christ there is no male or female" Gal. 3.28,) But that didn't happen, and early church leaders, who lived in a time of Roman s*xual depravity, did not know what to do with s*x, specifically s*xual pleasure.

Unfortunately, the dominant church leader, the Bishop of Hippo, St Augustine, declared s*xual pleasure (lust) sinful. Of the Good of Marriage (De bono coniugali, c. 401) and On Marriage and Concupiscence (De nuptiis et concupiscentia, c. 419). **

Although the church accepted s*x, it was only under strict limitations, i.e., between husband and wife, and for the purpose of having a child. The implications for the elderly are obvious and explain why the church ignored the s*xual issues of the elderly.

What Needs to be Done
Raise Public Awareness about S*xual Ageism

Much of the ageist attitudes toward seniors and s*x stem from the persistent myth that s*xual feelings fade away with age. In fact, given good emotional, physical, and relational health, it doesn't. Accurate information can push out false ideas and beliefs.

75% of couples aged 64 report having regular s*x. Likewise, 55% at 74 and 25% at age 85. Health, more than age, determines one's experience of s*x. In fact, given good health, s*x is a lifelong entitlement. Of course, the physical effects of aging influence s*xual experience but they do not eliminate it. S*xuality and Intimacy in Older Adults | National Institute on Aging

Going forward, we need to provide accurate information by expanding s*x education programs to include aging issues.

Update our Understanding of S*x and S*xuality

Another crucial update is to change how we understand s*x. It is more than something we do; s*xuality is also part of who we are. Rather than viewing s*x as a peripheral aspect of life, s*xuality needs to be understood as an integral part of one's identity. Likewise, the lifelong aspect of s*xual desire needs to be emphasized.

Ussuage Guilt/Shame and Endorse S*x Positivity

Most s*xual guilt and shame can be overcome by reminding folks that s*xual feelings are normal and nothing to feel bad about. Guilt and shame need to be explained as the consequence of false and abusive negative beliefs and undeserved condemnation. Folks need to know that thoughts and behaviors, like fantasies and ma********on, are completely normal and healthy. S*X & SHAME | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Advocate for Mandatory S*x and Aging Training for All Healthcare Professionals

Professional health organizations, as well as state and federal licensing agencies, need to step up their requirements to include adequate training in the areas of s*x and aging.

Advocate for Senior S*xual Rights

Seniors need reassurance about the legitimacy of their s*xuality and their right to express it. Likewise, they need to be encouraged to assert their s*xual needs and seek help when they are having problems.S*xual Rights For Seniors | American S*xual Health Association

Finally, senior living facilities need to change and accept that their residents are s*xual people. They need to abandon puritanical attitudes that allow s*x only between married couples.

To end on a positive note, change is slow, but it can happen. Over 30 years ago, in 1995, the Hebrew Home in Riverdale, New York, established what’s recognized as the nation’s first S*xual Expression policy for residents of a retirement community. Let's keep the ball rolling.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow, AAPC 4 15 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

04/03/2026

INTIMATE LISTENING : 101

"Why can't s/he just listen to me ? " is a common complaint I hear regularly from couples. Over the years, men have been criticized a lot for jumping in with solutions to problems rather than taking the time to listen to what their wives were trying to express. Indeed, I've even written about how men need to listen to feelings more and hold off on trying to fix problems. On Men and Listening | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

While often true, it's important to understand that men are not the sole cause of communication problems in intimate relationships. The skills needed for folks to understand each other apply to both men and women. Unfortunately, we don't teach these skills in school. As a result, unnecessary misunderstandings occur.

Intimate Communication

Before reviewing basic listening skills, it's important to clarify what intimate communication entails. Intimate communication differs from everyday conversation because emotions change the meaning of the words.

For example, when I go to the bank and ask the teller to make a withdrawal, the crucial meaning of the transaction is the exact amount I wish to receive. How I'm feeling when I make the request does not impact what I am trying to convey.

Not so with marital banter. Consider when a wife comes home from a hair appointment with a new stylist and asks her husband, "How do I look ?"

The meaning of her comment depends on what she is feeling. Is she pleased, unsure or horrified ?.Intimate listening decodes or translates literal communication to discover the underlying feeling tone. Understanding what a partner is saying is about hearing 1) what the person is feeling and 2)_what they want. Characteristics of Effective Listening | Chicago Center for Teaching and Learning | The University of Chicago.

Here are some tips that will help you hear the underlying emotion in your partner's communication.

Intimate Listening Essentials

1) Being present.

To begin a conversation, both parties need to be available and willing to talk and listen. Sometimes folks just start talking without checking whether their partner is available or willing. The listener must put everything else aside. (e.g., phones, computers, TV) t to be present.

2) Listen for the underlying emotion.

Intimate listening or empathy means hearing a speaker's emotional subtext. It means knowing what the person is feeling as much as what they are saying. In addition to understanding the meaning of the words, a good listener also asks themselves, "What are they feeling?"

Emotional attunement conveys more than understanding; it also conveys acceptance. Acceptance creates a safe space that allows the speaker to be vulnerable. Express empathy with encouraging words and sounds, as well as by simple nodding and other supportive body language.

3) Be aware of voice tone and other non-verbal clues.

A good way to pick up on a person's emotional subtext is to pay attention to nonverbal cues. Their tone of voice, volume, facial expressions, and body language reveal what they feel.

4) Be emotionally regulated, not impulsively reactive.

In addition to being empathetic and being aware of the speaker's emotions, a good listener must also be mindful and in control of their own emotional state. To convey safety, one must suspend the impulse to criticize, evaluate, or jump to solutions. It involves resisting the urge to "fix" the problem immediately and instead creating a non-threatening space for vulnerability.

5) Don't assume you got it; confirm your understanding of what you heard.

Assumptions often mess up good communication. Therefor checkout your understanding with the person who spoke. Rephrasing or repeating back what you heard is a good way to confirm that you got it right. Mirroring back also reassures lets the speaker that they were truly heard.

Likewise, if you didn't get it, ask questions. In addition to helping you, asking questions can help the speaker to clarify what may not have been clear to them.

6) Be patient and allow silence.

Maybe the most difficult challenge of intimate listing is patience in the wake of awkward silence. Nonetheless, giving the speaker time to articulate their thoughts without interrupting or rushing to fill the silence is vital. Often, the important thoughts come out after a pause.

*****

One final thought. Understanding your partner at a deep level is a challenge that does not occur naturally. It takes effort and practice and patience. Progress happens little by little and not in one fell swoop. That said, achieving good communication with one's mate is worth the investment.

While sometimes miscommunication can be discouraging, don't give up. Each lapse of understanding, with effort, can lead to deeper knowledge and greater intimacy.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 4 3 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

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504 E Fayette Street
Syracuse, NY
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