09/09/2026
Don’t Attack the Flashlight
I want to explore the reflex to become angry with the person who shines a light on something inside us that hurts.
Why do we sometimes attack the person who revealed the wound rather than become curious about the wound itself?
Someone says something, challenges us, gives us feedback, sets a boundary, or simply behaves in a way that touches something unresolved. Anger rises, and our attention immediately moves outward:
They made me angry.
They shouldn’t have said that.
They don’t understand.
They’re the problem.
But what if they didn’t create the thing we’re reacting to?
What if they simply illuminated it?
The anger may still contain important information. The other person may even have behaved badly. This isn’t about automatically deciding that every trigger is our fault or that anger is inappropriate.
It’s about learning to distinguish between:
What happened to me?
and
What did what happened awaken in me?
Those are not always the same thing.
The practice I’m interested in is learning to catch the moment when anger wants to attack the flashlight — and instead follow the beam.
What exactly did this person illuminate in me?
And perhaps more importantly:
What is my anger trying to protect me from feeling, seeing, admitting, or confronting?
