10/12/2026
“I Don’t Care.” Three Words That Can Slowly Destroy Connection.
The Enneagram, the Peacemaker, and what happens when we stop sharing ourselves with the people we love.
“Where do you want to eat tonight?”
“I don’t care. You pick.”
“Okay, how about Mexican?”
“Sure. Whatever you want.”
Seems innocent enough, doesn’t it? One spouse is perfectly happy letting the other decide, nobody has to negotiate, and dinner is practically planned. A wonderfully accommodating partner! What could possibly go wrong?
Well, imagine having that conversation for twenty years. Restaurants, vacations, weekend plans, movies, family activities, decisions about the house … practically everything. One spouse keeps asking, the other keeps saying, “Whatever you want,” and eventually the questions become fewer because, really, what’s the point?
And then one day, during an argument, the agreeable spouse announces, “We ALWAYS do what YOU want to do!”
Wait, whaaaaat?!
For years, you’ve asked what they wanted, where they’d like to go, what sounded fun, and whether they had something different in mind. Usually, you got a shrug and some version of “Whatever you want.” So you made the plans, picked the restaurants, and figured out what the two of you were going to do. Now you’re discovering they apparently had some pretty strong preferences all along, and you’re being blamed for never considering them? Good grief! Were you supposed to develop the ability to read minds somewhere along the way?
Monique and I love exploring the Enneagram with couples because human beings are wonderfully complex, and the Enneagram has this extraordinary way of helping us see each other. Some people have told us they feel more understood than they ever have before. Imagine that! You’ve lived your entire life being YOU, and suddenly something helps explain thoughts, feelings, desires, and reactions you’ve struggled to understand, much less explain to someone else.
And your spouse? They begin discovering why you think, feel, and respond the way you do. Yes, some of those peculiarities might still drive you absolutely crazy! But imagine becoming fascinated with them instead of rolling your eyes, making jokes at your spouse’s expense, or stewing over something for the next fifteen years. You might discover something so interesting that you begin falling in love with your spouse all over again.
I think of the Enneagram as a spotlight, a mirror, and a wonderful splash of color. Almost like finding that perfect outfit that reveals something beautiful and distinctive about the person wearing it. Each of us is wonderfully made, with an imagination, personality, and collection of experiences unlike anybody else’s. The Enneagram illuminates some fascinating paths toward discovering who we are and understanding the people we love.
Consider the Enneagram Nine, affectionately known as the Peacemaker. Nines can be some of the most wonderfully patient, accepting, and considerate people you’ll ever meet. They appreciate different perspectives, tend to dislike unnecessary conflict, and often genuinely enjoy seeing the people around them happy.
Who wouldn’t appreciate a spouse like that?
Well, perhaps the spouse who’s been asking for an opinion for twenty years.
Some Nines become so accustomed to accommodating others that expressing their own desires can feel uncomfortable. Perhaps they grew up believing their opinions weren’t particularly important, or learned that disagreeing invited criticism. Some know exactly what they want but have discovered that keeping those desires to themselves prevents the possibility of conflict.
And so “I don’t care” becomes a wonderfully convenient little hiding place. You don’t have to risk disappointing anyone, explain what you want, or face the possibility of someone disagreeing with you.
You’ve protected yourself quite nicely. Meanwhile, the person who loves you is standing there wondering where YOU went. Some people have spent so many years behind that wall of accommodation and agreeable responses that they’ve practically forgotten what it’s like to express something they genuinely want.
I want you to find your way beyond that wall! You can learn to express your desires, develop confidence in your opinions, and become increasingly comfortable allowing someone else to discover what you’re thinking. Monique and I can help you learn those skills, and the Enneagram can help you understand why expressing yourself became so difficult in the first place. Imagine discovering parts of yourself you’ve barely explored in years, and then watching your spouse become fascinated with them!
She’s Still Your Bride. He’s Still Your Groom.
Remember falling in love with him or her? The electric personality, coy smiles, fascinating opinions … goodness, remember the first breath of fresh air that person was? Their imagination, humor, energy, and all those peculiar little things made them different from anybody you’d ever known.
You wanted to know EVERYTHING!
I remember staring at Monique, just waiting for the next interesting thing she’d say. She fascinated me simply because she was Monique. Her thoughts, her personality, the way she experienced things … I wanted to know all of it. And I still find things about her that surprise me!
There’s something extraordinary about being fascinated with another human being, particularly the one you’ve chosen to spend your life with.
Twenty years later, imagine asking that same fascinating person what they’d love to experience together, only to hear, “I don’t know. Whatever you want.”
For the four-thousandth time.
What happened to all those interests, opinions, dreams, and desires that once made this person so interesting? Are they still there? Have they been tucked away because sharing them feels uncomfortable? Or have the two of you gradually become so accustomed to your roles that you’ve stopped exploring each other?
You can spend decades with someone you love and still know remarkably little about what they genuinely want.
And then there’s the resentment.
Funny how those little preferences you never bothered to mention can somehow become enormous expectations and grievances years later. You didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to spend the money, didn’t want to do things that way … and your spouse is discovering all of this for the first time during an argument about something completely unrelated.
Well, that’s convenient!
Of course, the spouse who’s been making all the decisions deserves a little examination, too. Perhaps they’ve become impatient, started making assumptions, or developed a habit of dismissing suggestions before they’re fully expressed. Maybe they ask what their spouse wants and immediately explain why their own idea makes more sense.
Imagine what that does to someone who already struggles to express a preference.
Now we’ve got two people contributing to a relationship that’s becoming increasingly predictable, and neither is particularly happy with what they’ve created.
“I Don’t Know. That’s Just Who I Am.”
This response might concern me even more than “I don’t care,” especially when it becomes the final explanation for behavior that continually damages a relationship.
“Why don’t you ever tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I don’t know. That’s just how I am.”
“Why do you shut down whenever we disagree?”
“I don’t know. It’s just what I do.”
Wrong. You’re much more.
Some of these protective strategies have worked so well, for so long, that you’ve begun confusing them with your identity. You’ve forgotten how wonderfully capable, creative, complex, and interesting you are. Perhaps you’ve forgotten how much fun you can be, how your enthusiasm can command a room, or how fascinating your ideas might be to someone who genuinely wants to know what you’re thinking.
Goodness, there’s an entire person behind “That’s just who I am,” and I suspect the person who loves you would be thrilled to get acquainted with more of them!
Well, for goodness’ sake, let’s find out!
What an incredible opportunity to learn something about ourselves. Why DO I struggle to express my preferences? What makes disagreement so uncomfortable? Why do I become irritated when someone wants to know what I think? Have I learned to suppress my opinions because somewhere along the way I decided they weren’t worth hearing?
And while we’re exploring all that, perhaps our spouse could become curious about how we arrived at these beliefs in the first place.
Now THAT could become a fascinating conversation!
Our Enneagram number may offer insight into the protective strategies we’ve developed, though it certainly doesn’t excuse the consequences of our behavior. Every type has tendencies that deserve examination. Every one of us has a responsibility to grow, particularly when our behavior repeatedly affects someone we love.
Perhaps “I don’t know” is a perfectly sincere answer today. Fine! What DO you know? Maybe you know that something interests you, that you’re uncertain about making a decision, or that you haven’t given much thought to what you’d really enjoy. Share that! Give the person who loves you something to explore, something that reveals a little of what’s happening inside you.
Imagine telling your spouse, “I’m not really sure what I want to do yet, but I know I’ve been missing some of the fun we used to have together. Could we think of something we’d both enjoy?”
Now THAT could become a fascinating conversation. You’re exploring your own desires, inviting your spouse into them, and perhaps discovering something neither of you has considered before. And I wonder what your curious spouse might discover if you began giving them more opportunities like that.
And perhaps “I don’t care” really means you’re equally happy with either choice. That’s wonderful, too. Just make sure the person who loves you has opportunities to discover what you DO care about.
Imagine a husband saying, “I’ve been thinking about getting out of town this weekend. I’d love to explore somewhere we’ve never been. What would you enjoy?”
His wife might have a completely different idea. Perhaps she’d rather relax somewhere familiar, or maybe she’s been dreaming about something neither has experienced before.
Who knows where that conversation might go? They could end up exploring a new city, reminiscing about their favorite vacations, or planning an adventure they never imagined having together.
And just like that, they’re discovering each other again.
Monique and I founded Real Connections because we love people, love relationships, and believe the extraordinary connection two people once experienced can become something even greater than they imagined. We use the Enneagram because understanding what motivates, frightens, excites, and occasionally frustrates the people we love creates wonderful opportunities for intimacy.
I’d love for you to think about the next time your spouse asks what you want. Give yourself permission to have a preference, perhaps even a strong one. Share something you’ve been imagining. Tell them what excites you, what you’ve been thinking about, or what you’d love for the two of you to experience.
And if you’re married to someone who struggles to answer those questions, become interested in helping them discover the answers. Give them time to think, welcome their differences, and show some genuine enthusiasm when they invite you into their world.
She’s still your bride. He’s still your groom. And I wonder how many fascinating things about each other you’ve yet to discover.
Imagine your spouse reaching out to shake your hand and saying, “Good afternoon, my love. It’s nice to have finally met you.”
Connection is never accidental. Neither is disconnection.
