11/01/2022
My clients, a married couple, were visibly upset when they came to session today.
Tears in their eyes sitting on opposite sides of the couch, leaning as far away from each other as possible.
Turns out, among other arguments they had this week, they had one just before the session.
😢They came to session, BOTH feeling hurt, frustrated and discouraged.
Like many clients, they had SLIPPED BACK INTO THE OLD PATTERN, of unhelpful behaviors that send their conversations off a cliff, fast.
Reacting quickly when triggered, lashing out in anger, blaming each other.
Ultimately, feeling like, “it will never work”.
It would be easy for me to ask “so tell me what’s up, what happened?”
✨But after COACHING MARRIED COUPLES FOR YEARS, I know that can invite a flood of anger, finger pointing and blaming, and escalating arguments just like they do at home.
Which is totally unproductive.
So instead I INVITE them to have a corrective experience in the session by talking with each other in a different way.
My role is to facilitate that experience.
But first I let them know that taking a few steps forward and a few steps back is all part of the process.
IT'S NORMAL.
It’s what happens to all of us when we are creating new habits.
We fumble, get it wrong. But then use that to figure out what to do differently next time.
➡️ The most important thing in these moments of “steps back” is to be aware of WHAT YOU MAKE IT MEAN.
Steps back can mean “oh s**t here we go again, this will never work”, despair, stop working on it.
OR
“Oh ok this is the part where we take a couple steps back as we’re learning new ways of being with each other.
This is simply AN OPPORTUNITY to figure out what didn’t work and what we can do better next time.”
To facilitate this corrective experience, first they evaluate what DIDN'T work.
What DID they each DO in that interaction that caused it to go so poorly?
Next they decide WHAT THEY COULD HAVE DONE or could do now that would make that interaction more positive, where they both feel heard and understood and remain calm and curious.
And then THEY PRACTICE it right there in the session.
💯The more they practice a new way of interacting with each other, they lay the foundation for a NEW PATTERN, A NEW PATH FORWARD, a new experience between them.
Changing your individual part in the pattern requires internal self reflection.
Most couples are practiced in knowing what their partner is doing wrong but not so much at seeing THEIR OWN CONTRIBUTION.
But don’t worry, this is VERY common.
👉🏼 Shifting your focus from your partner to yourself is all part of the process of pattern change that has to take place for couples to experience fewer reactive, negative cycles and more positive, calm, responsive interactions.
Many of the women and couples I work with have been stuck in these repeated negative cycles for years.
They have NOT been able to change them on their own.
Which again, is perfectly normal.
Relationships are challenging and most of us never learned the skills needed to have a successful lifelong partnership.
❤️When you learn these skills the negative cycles you’ve been experiencing BECOME A THING OF THE PAST.
You’ll look back and think, “wow, I can’t believe how much we’ve changed, I’ve changed”.
How do I know?
Because I WAS YOU.
That’s why I’m so passionate about teaching as many women and couples as possible HOW TO BREAK THESE CYCLES FOR GOOD.
Cuz I know how good life and marriage can be on the other side.
If you want to BE FREE of the negative cycles/patterns in your marriage for good I invite you to reach out.
And the great part is you don’t have to do this as a couple if your partner is not on board. YOU CAN DO THIS WORK INDIVIDUALLY, which is just as effective.
Send me a message and we can set up a time to chat.
☎️ This is a free 60 minute get to know you call.
You can tell me what’s currently going on in your marriage, how you want it to be different and I’ll share with you how I can help you. And determine if it’s a fit for us to work together.
Link to book a call in the comments.
