08/22/2026
New on Substack: This Is What Healing Actually Looks Like
Some days, everything just feels harder.You’re more irritable. More critical of yourself. Less patient with the people you love. Old thoughts creep back in—the ones you thought you had already worked through.Small things feel big. Big things feel overwhelming.And it’s easy to make it mean something about you.What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I handle things better?But sometimes, nothing is wrong with you.Sometimes, your nervous system is simply dysregulated.When you’re sick, exhausted, overwhelmed, or under chronic stress, your capacity narrows. You have less access to patience, flexibility, perspective, optimism, and compassion.Your brain shifts toward protection.Everything can feel more urgent. More personal. More threatening.And then there are those other days.Not perfect days. Not Disney World days. Just normal, decent days when things feel a little easier.You’re more patient. You can see the best in people. You can hold a boundary without needing to harden. You’re kinder to yourself. Your thoughts feel less intrusive.Life still has problems, but they feel manageable.That is what regulation can feel like.Not the absence of difficulty.Capacity for difficulty.Your body usually knows firstOne of the most interesting things I’ve learned about regulation is that I often don’t realize I’m dysregulated until I become regulated again.It’s the contrast that tells me.When I’m regulated, it feels like a weight comes off my shoulders.My breathing gets easier. I can sink farther into my chair. My eyes and vision relax. My body softens. I feel open and expansive, almost like sitting in a sunshine-filled room.There’s no urgency.No underlying guilt telling me I should be doing something else.I feel more confident in my body. More present. More able to respond.Dysregulation feels different.My body feels heavier. My breathing becomes shallower. There’s often a low-level anxiety humming underneath everything, even when I’m nowhere near panic.My shoulders hunch.My jaw clenches.My neck gets tight.I may develop a headache.I’m more distracted and have a harder time organizing my thoughts. I feel sluggish and tired. Even my posture and gait can change. There’s a subtle loss of confidence in how I inhabit my own body.I’ve learned to recognize some of these signals as early warning signs.And that has changed things for me.Because I don’t have to wait until I’m drowning in negative thoughts to realize something is wrong.Regulation isn’t about being calm all the timeThis is an important distinction.We are not meant to be regulated all the time.Our nervous systems are designed to activate when there is danger and then return toward safety when the danger has passed.The goal isn’t to eliminate activation.The goal is flexibility.To be able to move into fight, flight, freeze, or heightened activation when we need to—and then find our way back.This is why being triggered isn’t necessarily a failure.A trigger is information.It gives you an opportunity to notice what is happening inside of you.And the more you practice noticing, the earlier you begin to catch it.At first, you may realize it afterward.Then you catch it while you’re in it.Then maybe five minutes earlier.Eventually, you recognize the first subtle shift.That is progress.Healing is often a series of tiny failures followed by slightly earlier awareness.You catch yourself one step before the last time.And then another step earlier.And another.Start with the bodyWhen I notice that I’m dysregulated, the quickest place for me to start is the breath.We tend to believe we should be able to think our way into feeling better.Sometimes we can.But when we’re highly activated, our thinking brain isn’t always the best place to start.The nervous system is constantly communicating between the brain and body. The vagus nerve is one important part of that communication system, and breathing—particularly slow, diaphragmatic breathing—can help shift the body toward a more settled state.When we are stressed, our breathing often becomes shallow and moves higher into the chest.So I start by slowing it down.I breathe in and let my belly expand.Then I breathe all the way out, gently drawing my belly back in.I don’t force it.I don’t try to make myself instantly calm.I just give my body a different message.We can slow down now.A few intentional breaths may not solve everything.They aren’t supposed to.They create enough space for the next step.Because regulation is not the end of the work. It’s the doorway into the work.This is where the real healing beginsOnce you are regulated enough to become curious, you can begin to look inward without immediately becoming overwhelmed by what you find.Maybe your partner said something that hurt you.Instead of continuing the argument while you’re activated, you notice:I’m dysregulated.You take some space.You breathe.You walk.You sit down.You communicate that you need a little time before continuing the conversation.And then, when you have enough capacity, you get curious.Why did that affect me so much?What did I feel in that moment?What did I make it mean?What is really being threatened here?What do I need?This is where parts work, self-compassion, and reparenting come in.Sometimes what has been activated isn’t only the adult you standing in the present moment.Sometimes it is a younger part of you that learned something long ago:I’m not safe.I’m going to be rejected.My needs don’t matter.I have to protect myself.The work isn’t to shame that part into silence.It’s to turn toward it.To stay.To listen.To say:I see you.That makes sense.I’m here.You don’t have to handle this alone anymore.This is what reparenting can look like in everyday life.Not fixing yourself.Not getting rid of the parts of you that are inconvenient.Learning to have a different relationship with them.Sometimes healing feels like getting worseThis is one of the strangest parts of healing.You may start therapy and suddenly feel like you’re triggered all the time.You may think:I wasn’t this emotional before.I was doing better.But sometimes you aren’t getting worse.You’re becoming aware.If you’ve spent 20 years holding back the waves, when you finally stop holding them back, there may be a tidal wave.That’s okay.The waves eventually become smaller.They come less often.And you get better at riding them.Healing doesn’t mean you never get dysregulated again.It means you become better at recognizing it, responding to it, and returning to yourself.And sometimes regulation becomes avoidanceThere is another side to this work that matters just as much.Sometimes we can turn regulation into another way of avoiding discomfort.“I need to regulate first.”Yes. Sometimes you do.But if you are constantly taking space and never returning, waiting until you feel perfectly calm before having a difficult conversation, or using regulation as a reason not to engage…that’s not regulation anymore.That’s avoidance.The purpose of regulation isn’t to make hard things stop being hard.It’s to give you enough capacity to do the hard thing without abandoning yourself.You regulate so you can have the conversation.Set the boundary.Say you’re hurt.Apologize.Listen.Change the pattern.This changes relationships, tooOne of the biggest signs of healing is that you start catching yourself earlier in relationships.Maybe you tell someone they hurt your feelings after the first or second time instead of holding it in until the tenth time and exploding.Maybe you say:“I’m getting overwhelmed. I want to continue this conversation, but I need some time to settle down first.”And then you come back.That’s important.Taking space isn’t the same as abandoning someone.When communicated clearly and followed by a return, it can actually create more safety in a relationship.You are learning:I can take care of myself without leaving you.And:I can stay connected to you without abandoning myself.So how do you know the work is working?Not because you’re calm all the time.Not because you never get triggered.Not because you’ve finally become the person who never overreacts, never gets angry, never feels anxious, and always knows exactly what to do.You know the work is working when you catch yourself a little sooner.When you notice the tension in your jaw before the headache.When you notice your shoulders hunching.When you recognize that low-level anxiety.When you realize you’ve taken on too much.When you know you need sleep.When you recognize that a boundary needs to be set.When you can pause before reacting.When you can apologize without collapsing into shame.When you can feel something difficult without immediately trying to escape it.When your inner voice becomes a little kinder.When you can take space and actually come back.When you start asking:What’s happening inside of me?instead of:What’s wrong with me?And perhaps most importantly, you know the work is working when you begin to trust yourself.Not because you always get it right.But because you know that when you lose yourself, you can find your way back.Again.And again.And again.That is the work.Healing isn’t the absence of dysregulation.It isn’t permanent calm.It isn’t becoming someone who never gets triggered.It is developing the capacity to move through activation without abandoning yourself.It is learning to listen to your body.To understand your patterns.To care for the younger parts of you.To speak to yourself with compassion.To set boundaries before resentment builds.To take space without disappearing.To return to difficult conversations.To make different choices.To notice sooner.To repair faster.To trust yourself more.And eventually, this stops feeling like something you’re doing.It becomes a way of living.A way of relating to yourself.A way of moving through the world.The waves still come.But you know how to ride them.You know how to breathe.You know how to listen.You know when to pause.You know when to act.And you know how to come home to yourself.This is what healing actually looks like.Yours, EvaSubscribe for free to receive new posts!Sharing is caring.Share
Read here: https://therisingsol.substack.com/p/this-is-what-healing-actually-looks
Learning to recognize dysregulation, come back to yourself, and build a life with more capacity, compassion, and self-trust.
