01/25/2023
I wanted to quit therapy.
Well, a part of me did at least. And of course, being a therapist I thought, "That’s interesting. Talk to your therapist about it." A long time ago it never would have crossed my mind to tell my therapist I wanted to stop seeing her.
But now, I knew that talking about it was the only way to find out if quitting was the thing to do or if there was something deeper going on. “So…I’m noticing that I want to quit therapy with you,” I began.
To which my therapist replied “Well, that’s the thing about what we do here together, we get to talk about it. Tell me more.”
Leading up to this conversation, I had been reading The Divergent Mind by Jenara Nerenberg. I was quickly engrossed in it on a deeply personal level.
What stood out in particular was when Jenara explained “masking” which is all the ways an individual learns to present themselves on the outside so as not to express the experience they are having on the inside. I had simply become disconnected from how much I do it myself around the sensate sensitivity I experience. I thought I’d healed all the shame around my sensitivity, but I realized I had been masking with my therapist—and shame was at the heart of it. I hadn't been honest about times when I was overwhelmed in session but wanted to look like I was just fine.
After presenting my findings to her we discussed ways in which I had used masking in my past, to which I began to cry.
Then she said “Jenny, your sensitivity matters to me.” At first I didn't believe her. How could somebody care about something that I hated about myself for so long? As we kept talking. I slowly believed her more and more. And then, I noticed the urge to quit therapy was gone.
And through that discovery, I started to notice the ways masking showed up in other parts of my life.
Masking is complex and not all bad or all good. But removing my mask with the ones who care about me the most made way for repair, connection, understanding, empathy, and healing. I’m so grateful for a second chance with my sensitivity and how it feels to navigate it while in relationship with others.