26/05/2022
Don't know how to cope with a family member that has an addiction problem?
⬇️⬇️some useful information ⬇️⬇️
In The Language Of Recovery, No Means I Love You.
The phone rings, and you tense. Part of you wants to ignore the phone, but fear whispers, "what if," and you run to pick it up. Hoping this isn't going to be yet another call for money, you listen as the newest crisis unfolds. You remind your son/daughter/loved one of your last conversation that went something like; This is the last time isn't giving you (fill in the blank).
Unfortunately, again has arrived – again. So what do you do? You don't want to enable your addicted loved one, but you don't want to see them on the street either.
As you hang up the phone, you're exhausted. You just did what you said you wouldn't do. Between a rock and a hard place, you gave in.
You pray that things will be different this time. But you don't hold your breath. You've helped them before and wonder, did they learn anything from it?
You might be surprised at their answer.
When you enable someone struggling with addiction, they do learn:
They learn it doesn't matter if they mess up because you will fix it.
They learn no, is really a slow yes.
They learn how to wear you down.
They learn to become masters at manipulation.
They learn it's easier to call you to fix their problems than fix them themselves.
They learn to be dependent on you.
They learn to expect you to believe their lies.
They learn to believe them, too.
They learn getting money from you is easier than keeping a job.
They learn that abusive behavior has its rewards.
They learn to justify everything because nothing is EVER their fault.
They learn you'll justify their behavior too.
They learn you'll pay their rent, food, bills, and even their child support.
They learn they're entitled to your hard earnings.
They learn how to push your buttons, and when you explode, you feel guilty and give in.
They learn you will do anything in your power to help them, even if it's making you sick.
They learn that you will ask them to attend meetings but won't go to one yourself.
When there's addiction in the family, everyone suffers. Education, support, and professional help are essential for both the addicted person and their family members.
Learning how to stay abstinent is the goal for every addict in early recovery.
Learning how to say no and set healthy boundaries is the goal for their family.
When you enable your addicted loved one, you cripple them emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. They don't learn to mature or to become responsible for their actions.
Addiction is a progressive illness, not only for the addict but for the enabler. If you want to change, it's essential to understand why you enable and what you're getting from it.
A good start to setting boundaries is learning to hit the pause button.
The next time the phone rings, pick it up and say I'm sorry I can't help you right now. I'm not confident I'm making the right decision for either of us. Let your addicted family member know you love them and you're reaching out for help. Tell them you will do whatever you can to support their recovery, but you're not going to enable their addiction. Assure your loved one, you'll get back to them. Then hang up the phone and reach out to your support group.
Boundaries are meant to be flexible. A boundary is not a wall but a bridge that defines where you stop and where the other person begins. Someone with poor boundaries will allow others to treat them inappropriately.
As you embrace change, be prepared to answer some hard questions. Ask yourself: What role do I play in my loved one's addiction? Then do everything in your power to change it.
You're on the right track when you understand that addiction is a family illness.
Saying no doesn't mean you're mad at your addicted loved one or don't love them. In fact, it's just the opposite. In the language of recovery, no means I love you. You want a relationship that promotes mutual respect, not addiction. Supporting your addicted loved one while maintaining healthy boundaries is a win-win for all.
Lorelie Rozzano
www.jaggedlittleedges.com
