03/06/2026
My name is Max and I am an addict and alcoholic. I had an extremely loving family who had provided everything for me and more. My earliest memories were that of me always feeling different, overwhelmed by life and constantly comparing myself to other people.
When I was 7 years old, I was sick and had discovered the cough medicine my mom left on the side of my bed, I decided I was tired of feeling sick and so I drank the whole bottle and hid it under my bed. Wow, what a sense of ease and comfort. I no longer felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
At the age of 12 my grandfather had passed away, not knowing if I could ever deal with the grief, I had begun cutting myself. And just like the medication, or a sip of alcohol, I felt relief.
Life in school was hard for me, I was constantly teased a lot for how I looked. This is when my eating also started to influence me, I had begun to starve myself and use laxatives in order to lose weight. These were all a fix for me throughout school and college.
After finishing school, I had decided to study Culinary Arts, through that I had felt like I finally felt my place in the world, in a kitchen at one of Durban’s best restaurants. I was surrounded by men constantly and this equalled constant affirmation. This was my next fix and had led me down the road of many unhealthy relationships. I had also found my drug of choice during this time, at the time I felt like it was helping me with work, with social life, with my weight.
In 2016 my father had passed away and this I used as an excuse to use more. I had also gone to a psychiatric ward and started to see a psychologist. As my using progressed and I could not feel the relief I had first felt when I was 7, I began to feel empty, hopeless.
A week later I had found myself being driven up the driveway of The Cedars. I had stayed for 7 months but I did not truly connect to the problem; me. I had also not connected to the harm I had done to the people around me. And so, for everything I put in front of my recovery I lost; I lost the relationship, I lost the relationship with my mom, the job and the house.
For the next two years I had stayed clean and sober, but I was not living this new way of life that was so lovingly shown to me at The Cedars. And this to me proves that addiction is not about the substance, it is about the behaviour. I continued to act on the behaviour I used in active addiction. And though some things in my life were going well, I still felt empty.
I was encouraged to come back home to the House on the Hill. I had hit my second rock bottom at 2 years and 4 months clean and sober. I was welcomed with no judgement, but only love. I realised that this time I finally have a chance to start my life on a clean slate. I had to get brutally honest about things I had never told anyone, I had the chance to build healthy relationships with those around me, I was shown how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is, which was so evident even without the substance. I began to understand a power greater than myself, and I learnt the true value of how one addict can help another through our own experiences of recovery and how to deal with life on life’s term.
Cedars has been my second home, and one of the most incredible healing environments, that has shown me that I can be of value to others. I have learnt that if I don’t put my recovery first, I will lose everything else that my Higher Power has given me. Tomorrow I will be 3 years clean and sober, and I can happily say that thanks to Cedars I live a happy, joyous and free life.
