Cheryl Sol Clinical Psychologist

Cheryl Sol Clinical Psychologist Therapist, writer, curious human, committed lover of nature and wilderness. I believe in our innate

Today I want to talk about the 4 best predictors of divorce.Read this to see where you might be going wrong to improve t...
29/09/2021

Today I want to talk about the 4 best predictors of divorce.

Read this to see where you might be going wrong to improve the quality and durability of your relationship.

The Gottman Institute, well known for its research on what contributes to a successful marriage, have come up with the following predictors which they call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

In summary:-

1. Criticism
When one voices your complaint as an attack on the other which then escalates the conflict. The underlying attitude is "what is wrong with you?". "You are defective, I am perfect."

2. Contempt
This is the best predictor of divorce. Gottman calls contempt the "sulphuric acid for love". It is the opposite of respect. One person speaks with disdain, scorn or mocking.

3. Defensiveness
When a partner won't take responsibility for their part in a situation. The response to a complaint would be e.g. "well look what you do" without reflecting on and responding to what the other person is adressing.

4. Stonewalling.
This is emotional withdrawal from conflict. The person looks away, looks at their phone, makes no movement or facial response, doesn't respond verbally. They might occasionally look at their partner to signal that they should come to an end.

In contrast when we actually listen we give signals that we are with the other like nodding one's head, maintaining eye contact etc.

The Gottmans found that they could predict with 90% accuracy, within 15 minutes of observing a couple, the likelihood that they would get divorced.

We cannot eliminate all anger, negativity or hurt in relationships but we can learn what hurts the other and therefore damages the relationship.

In another post we can look at their research on what enhances the chances of an enduring marriage or long term relationship.

This weekend be the best version of yourself. Give generously, live kindly, accept what you cant change, be here fully, ...
18/03/2021

This weekend be the best version of yourself.

Give generously, live kindly, accept what you cant change, be here fully, be playful, worry less, accept compliments, shelve your inadequacies, appreciate what you have, look around you and find the child in you.

Be less complicated.

Just give yourself that for the weekend.

Have you connected with nature this weekend?We know that the beaches are closed, the parks are closed and many other res...
10/01/2021

Have you connected with nature this weekend?

We know that the beaches are closed, the parks are closed and many other resources are not available to us.

However, we are surrounded by nature and don't need to travel far to get the benefits of it.

We just need to notice.

When you are staring at the sky and the clouds, you are connected to the calming potential of nature, when you really notice the leaves on the trees, you are here in the moment and not with your troubles or regrets, when you work in your veggie patch you can be absorbed by the synergy between you and nature working together.

Stand outside for 5 minutes at night and look at the stars, at any time try to hear the birds or the insects.

Just tune in.

If you believe you have to leave home and be in wide open spaces to connect with nature, do this where you can, but also don't neglect to observe daily what nature is offering up to you.

Today I want to talk about "Success".When we refer to someone or something being successful, it is usually about an acco...
10/01/2021

Today I want to talk about "Success".

When we refer to someone or something being successful, it is usually about an accomplishment with a favorable outcome.

But lets reflect further on the following:

Is success ......

- making a lot of money even if I remain relatively unknown?

- becoming known and respected in my area even if it is not lucrative for me?

- becoming wealthy through my own efforts and being recognized for this?

- feeling that I have competed against others and outshone them?

- looking back on my family and, despite a few mistakes or misguided choices, feeling that I did okay?

- fulfilling my responsibility to the younger generation to help them become capable of navigating the future demands of life?

- having an internal sense of peace or satisfaction with my life, no matter what I own or have achieved?

- recognizing that I am fundamentally a decent human being?

- having a healthy relationship with my partner?

- being popular and well liked with a wide friendship circle?

- having made a career choice that fulfils me and allows me to express who I am and what I stand for?

- feeling that my life has meaning and purpose?

- believing that I have contributed to the wellbeing of others?

- having a lot of knowledge and being able to keep up with the latest trends?

- being able to manage my emotions in difficult situations with difficult people or when stretched to capacity?

- being able to communicate my needs to others while at the same time being aware of and considerate of theirs?

- having trust in my ability to deal with difficulties that arise but also knowing how to reach out to others for help?

Hopefully,, it is clearer that being successful is not just about our or our family's external achievements but also about living out our deepest values, how we contribute to society and knowing what fulfills us and gives our lives a deep sense of meaning and purpose.

Today I want to write about responding vs reacting. I don't know if you have noticed but it seems as if we are more stru...
13/11/2020

Today I want to write about responding vs reacting.

I don't know if you have noticed but it seems as if we are more strung out now than a few months back. We are worn thin and a lot of the feel good part of tackling lock-downs together, sharing ideas, resources and generally experiencing a "we-ness" in this seems to have given way to a lot of battle weary and irritable behaviour.

So lets talk about this......

In really simple terms we have the thinking parts of our brain. We reason, observe, remember and plan.

This is like the "adult" of the brain.

Then there are the feeling parts of the brain. We feel peace, joy, pain, sadness, irritability, rage - both the quiet and the "noisy" emotions.

This is like the "child" of the brain.

We need both to function optimally. But .... we need them to function together.

As in life, an adult should always supervise a child and not leave them unattended.

As a child energizes a family, so do our emotions energize us. But we also need to be observing what we are feeling and how we act on those feelings.

If you are at a funeral and are tearful and distraught, the thinking (adult) part of your brain knows that this is appropriate behaviour.

If you are in a supermarket and behaving in the same way, the feeling (child) part of the brain has run away with itself and is no longer connected to your observing self.

Yet it is the same behaviour .....

So where does this take us?

When we are too irritable, angry, upset or even joyful, and we act on those emotions without thinking, we are reacting.

The result is often not useful to us or others and can leave us feeling awkward or evoke reactions in others.

Sometimes we need to recognize when it is time to stop, breathe and either remove ourselves from the situation or delay the response or the action. Not to make that phone call, not to send that email, not to confront the person who cut in front of you in the traffic.

But to wait until you can think about what you are feeling. And then consider what to do.

I LOVE YOU, NOW CHANGE Often, we are attracted to certain traits in a person, but once involved, these become a problem ...
14/07/2020

I LOVE YOU, NOW CHANGE

Often, we are attracted to certain traits in a person, but once involved, these become a problem for us.

We then spend time and energy trying to change them.

In the beginning of “falling in love” we perceive everything about that person in a positive way.

There are probably many reasons for this, but one of those is that we tend to unconsciously be attracted to those aspects in someone which are under developed or unresolved in ourselves.

The other less romantic notion here is that, in order to fall in love, we have to sink into a mini delusional state, a kind of besottedness in which we minimize differences between us and frame everything about that person in a positive way.

This of course happens without awareness. Call it attraction, call it chemistry, but it happens.

We notice and focus on the similarities and strengths of the person.

They are wonderful.
We feel wonderful in their presence.
This is ideal.

Once this state of limerence starts to wear off, we become more aware of the differences between us.

This is when we tend to reframe the personality traits or behaviours that attracted us.

- the organized person starts to feel controlling;
- the free spirit feels as if they have no direction
- the girlfriend who seemed so affectionate feels very needy

The next step is you wonder what happened to this person and set about changing them back to the someone you believed you met…… by pointing out their faults.

Or, we see the person with all their faults from the outset, but believe that we can change them with love, acceptance and encouragement.

To enable them to fulfil their potential of course

When they do not change, we feel resentful. They are obstructing our quest for happiness with them.

The challenge is to live with the disillusionment that this person is not only the good looking, funny, intelligent, kind and generous person you got to know, but can also be stubborn, annoying and doesn’t always agree with you.

Your partner is not an extension of yourself. They are a separate human being with their own values, thoughts and beliefs. These may sometimes be different to yours.

This is the challenge.

To navigate difference and disappointment as well as the good stuff.

Healthy partnership involves creative compromise and acceptance of difference as well as similarity.

Obviously if the differences are too great or destructive a healthy relationship isn’t possible.

Let’s talk about PROCRASTINATIONTomorrow (noun). A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and ach...
26/06/2020

Let’s talk about PROCRASTINATION

Tomorrow (noun). A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.

Procrastinating involves putting things off when there are opportunities to do them.

They are often things that eventually have to be done and won’t go away by avoiding them and that will complicate the situation even more by the time you eventually get around to it.

Think of the computer that should have been backed up. We say “I had been meaning to do it.”

Often when we do get started, it doesn’t take that long. It’s actually in getting started that the avoidance lies.

So, procrastination can be seen as the gap between the talk and the action.

Some disguises for procrastination:-
- I am too busy
- I can’t decide
- I don’t have all the things I need to start
- I don’t know where all the documents are
- I don’t want to start it unless I know I can finish in the same day
- There are too many things waiting – there is no point even starting.

Some of these can be valid reasons – you don’t want to start hanging a door unless you can finish it on one session. However, most jobs or tasks can be broken down into smaller components.

If indecision is the reason you aren’t tackling something, then why are you choosing to stay in indecision.

If you don’t know where to start, why aren’t you thinking about it? Why do you choose not to get your documents organized so that you can find them?

Consider the possibility that your procrastination might sometimes be a form of self -sabotage.

You are capable of that job you have seen advertised, you want it and all you need to do is to compile an up to date CV and apply. And you don’t.

Could it be that you are afraid of getting the job you want? Whatever the reason, recognize when you do this and become curious about what it is you are actually avoiding.

We live busy lives, often under time pressure.

Maybe the ‘waiting to be done” list that waits and grows might be about unrealistic expectations of what you can achieve in the time available.

It might be useful to look at those things that have been hanging around forever and scrap them off the list.

By this I am not referring to your overdue tax return, but rather that thing you were determined to work out how to fix 5 years ago but haven’t got around to.

Often, we are told to start with the simplest things, so that it feels as if we are making progress. This can be true, but not always.

Often it involves just starting somewhere, because once we get going, the momentum can take over.

Remember, it is in the starting that the avoidance lies.

The things that take priority also have to be those which will have the greatest consequences if not done.

Take a look now. Become clear about what has to be dealt with, finished up or discarded in the next 3 months.

Decide if you need to pay someone or co-opt friends to get some tasks done.

Make a list and take action.

Think about the things you will really regret if they go wrong – update or make your will; evaluate your insurance; backup your laptop.

Start today. It’s not difficult.

Deal with the most important things first. Put some quick and easy things on that list to get them out of the way.

Tick each thing as you go along.

Review your list, move things if you were unrealistic about what you could achieve or add things as they come to mind.

Either way, just do it!

Today I want to talk about SELF DEFEATING habitsWe often watch ourselves doing the same things again and again that don’...
18/06/2020

Today I want to talk about SELF DEFEATING habits

We often watch ourselves doing the same things again and again that don’t work for the same reason they never worked in the first place.

And then seem surprised that the outcome is much the same again.

Watch your self -defeating patterns and be curious about why you keep repeating them to your detriment.

This poem by Portia Nelson really captures the essence of this message of conscious change.


AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN 5 SHORT CHAPTERS

1.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost….. I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

2.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again,
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
I still take a long time to get out.

3.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It’s my fault.

I get out immediately.

4.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the side walk
I walk around it.

5.
I walk around another street.

Portia Nelson

Let’s REFLECT on how we hold onto valuable changes that we have made personally and as families as we navigated the past...
25/05/2020

Let’s REFLECT on how we hold onto valuable changes that we have made personally and as families as we navigated the past few months . The pace of our lives is due to accelerate soon as we move more freely and go back to work.

I want to acknowledge those who have struggled and still continue to do so.

Which is probably everyone, but in very different ways and degrees.

In every crisis there is something to be learned, something to arise from having the rug rudely yanked out from under you without your permission. The reality is that major change never takes place when we are comfortable.

Necessity has found many of us feeling the benefits of having to be more grounded in our own homes and being resourceful in finding new ways of understanding and doing things.

This is what I am asking you to try not to lose or discard. Hopefully we have come to recognize who and what is important to us. And also come to appreciate where we are fortunate.

But it is easy to forget.
That would be an immense loss.

Let’s see how you could retain some of your new perspective on what is valuable to you.

So, how about spending 15 to 30 minutes now or during this week doing the following exercise, maybe writing it down because you are going to work with it later.

Ask yourself these questions?

- What have I done recently that I never thought I would be
able to?

- What have I done recently that I am most proud of?

- What are my personal qualities that are helping me
through this?

- What are the main things I have realized about life ?

- What have I started doing or gone back to that I would
like to retain?

- Which people are most important in my life?

- What have I realized about my “previous” way of life?

- What would I like to give up or relinquish?

- What habits/life skills would I like to sustain or develop?

- How would I like to do this?

Maybe put a reminder on your phone or calendar for a month from now to review what you have written.

Consciously go back to this as you are pulled back into old routines and habits. It's really good to be reminded of your resilience, your most important values and your hopes in uncertain times.

Address

Office 8 (upstairs) Fields Centre, 13 Old Main Road, Kloof
Durban
3640

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Wednesday 09:00 - 17:00
Thursday 09:00 - 17:00
Friday 09:00 - 13:00

Telephone

+27835570244

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