31/07/2026
This is a long read but bear with me, it will be worth it!
The childhood we survived is still living in and through us today.
Sometimes, when people look at an adult who is struggling, we ask:
“Why are they like this?”
“Why do they keep making these choices?”
“Why can’t they just move on?”
“Why does something so small cause such a big reaction?”
But perhaps a more compassionate question is:
“What happened to them, and what did their nervous system have to do to survive it?”
The research on Adverse Childhood Experiences, commonly known as ACEs, has helped us understand that childhood experiences do not simply disappear when a child grows up.
Adverse Childhood Experiences may include abuse, neglect, exposure to violence, parental separation, substance misuse in the home, mental-health difficulties within the family, the incarceration of a household member, or other circumstances that repeatedly undermine a child’s experience of safety, stability and connection. These are not the only experiences that can affect a child. Poverty, homelessness, food insecurity, chronic conflict, emotional abandonment and instability can also leave a deep imprint. The ACE that most people overlook - and this is where I mostly hear "but I had a great childhood" - is what you DID NOT RECEIVE. Yes, neglect, not getting the comfort that you needed, not getting stable attachment, that also changes the way you exist in the world.
A child does not need to understand what is happening intellectually for their body to register that they are unsafe.
The nervous system learns through experience.
When a child repeatedly experiences fear, unpredictability, rejection, humiliation, violence or emotional disconnection, their developing brain and body may begin organising themselves around survival.
They may become hypervigilant or hypovigilant. Over regulate or under regulate.
They may watch faces, moods and body language carefully.
They may become overly compliant and try to keep everyone happy.
They may become controlling because unpredictability feels unbearable.
They may become aggressive because their nervous system has learnt to fight.
They may withdraw, disconnect or appear not to care because feeling everything became too painful.
They may disappear.
They may struggle to concentrate, remember instructions, regulate emotions or make decisions—not because they are lazy, naughty or unmotivated, but because so much of their internal energy is being used to detect and respond to possible danger.
The CDC explains that prolonged or toxic stress can affect a child’s developing brain, immune system and stress-response systems. It can influence attention, learning and decision-making, while also increasing the risk of physical and emotional health difficulties later in life.
This is why childhood trauma is not merely a memory.
It can become a way of living inside the body.
As a psychologist people often "joke" around by saying "oh let me guess, that also comes from my childhood". Well, yes, unfortunately most of our patterns exist because of ACE's.
The child may grow up, leave the unsafe environment and build an entirely different life, yet their nervous system may continue responding as though danger is still near.
A delayed reply may feel like abandonment.
A disagreement may feel like rejection.
A raised voice may make the body freeze.
Rest may feel unsafe.
Healthy love may initially feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.
The person may logically know that they are safe, while their body has not yet learnt to believe it.
ACEs have been associated with difficulties that can reach far into adulthood, including depression, relationship instability, chronic health problems and reduced opportunities in education and employment. The CDC also reports links between ACEs and conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and other serious health challenges.
We have literally learnt and discovered that ACE's reduces life span, can you believe it?
This does not mean that every person who experiences childhood adversity will develop these difficulties.
An ACE score is not a life sentence and I know so many people who went through horrible experiences and are still functional adults - because they either had very responsive and safe adults who could create safety within those experiences or they had the opportunity to work through those experiences.
ACE's is not a diagnosis.
It does not define a person’s worth, character or future.
It gives us a framework for understanding how early experiences may shape development—and, importantly, where support and healing may be needed.
One of the most powerful messages within this research is that safe, stable and nurturing relationships matter.
A responsive parent, grandparent, teacher, therapist, coach or other trusted adult can become an important protective presence in a child’s life. Healthy relationships can help buffer the effects of adversity and offer the child repeated experiences of safety, connection and co-regulation. The CDC emphasises that creating safe, stable and nurturing relationships and environments is central to preventing ACEs and helping children reach their potential.
Children do not need perfect adults.
They need adults who are emotionally available.
Adults who repair after getting it wrong.
Adults who listen.
Adults who believe them.
Adults who make their world more predictable.
Adults who can remain calm enough to help the child’s nervous system return to safety.
Adults who understand that behaviour is often communication.
And for the adult who recognises themselves in this article: your responses may once have protected you.
The hypervigilance kept you alert.
The people-pleasing helped you maintain connection.
The emotional shutdown helped you endure what was too overwhelming to feel.
The need for control may have helped you create some sense of order in a chaotic world.
These patterns may no longer serve you, but they did not begin because there was something fundamentally wrong with you.
They began because your mind and body were trying to protect you.
Healing is not about blaming the past for everything.
It is about understanding the past well enough that it no longer unconsciously controls the present.
It is teaching the nervous system that the danger has passed.
It is learning that boundaries do not automatically lead to abandonment.
It is discovering that conflict can be repaired.
It is experiencing relationships where love is not mixed with fear.
And it is slowly replacing survival with safety.
We cannot always undo what happened during childhood.
But through awareness, supportive relationships, therapeutic intervention and repeated experiences of safety, we can help children—and adults—grow and heal and live a different story.
What happened to you matters and you can either run from it or face it.
It does not have to be the end of your story.
