Kobus van der Merwe - Imago Relationship Therapy

12/06/2026

I once heard a partner say:

“I don’t want to fight. I just want to matter.”

That sentence explains many arguments.

The fight may sound like criticism.

“You never listen.”
“You are always on your phone.”
“You don’t help me.”
“You only care about work.”
“You don’t even notice me anymore.”

But beneath the protest is often a longing.

“Do I still matter to you?”
“Do you still see me?”
“Do you still choose us?”
“Are you still there for me?”

When couples only respond to the criticism, they miss the longing.

And when the longing is missed, the fight repeats.

Again and again.

The shift begins when one partner can hear beneath the words.

Not to excuse hurtful behaviour.

But to understand what the fight is really trying to reveal.

Sometimes the argument is not a sign that love is gone.

Sometimes it is a desperate attempt to reach for connection.

11/06/2026

Many couples have been told they need better communication.

But better communication is not enough if the Space-Between still feels unsafe.

You can use the right words and still sound dangerous to your partner.

You can say the correct sentence and still carry blame, contempt, withdrawal, or superiority in your tone.

You can explain yourself clearly and still leave your partner feeling unseen.

In Imago Relationship Therapy, the goal is not just to help couples talk better.

The goal is to help couples create enough safety between them that truth can be spoken and received.

Because when the Space-Between feels unsafe, partners protect themselves.

They defend.
They attack.
They withdraw.
They explain.
They shut down.

But when the Space-Between becomes safer, something changes.

Partners can become curious again.

And curiosity is often the doorway back to connection.

10/06/2026

Couples often come into therapy fighting about money.

Who spends too much.
Who saves too little.
Who carries the pressure.
Who does not understand the stress.

But very often, after a few minutes, the deeper pain begins to show.

It is not only about money.

It is about feeling valued.

One partner may be asking,
“Do you see how hard I work?”

The other may be asking,
“Do I matter beyond what I provide?”

Money becomes the surface issue.

But beneath it may be fear, loneliness, pressure, resentment, or a longing to feel like partners again.

The fight changes when couples stop asking,
“Who is wrong with money?”

And begin asking,
“What is money revealing about the Space-Between us?”

That is where the real conversation begins.

09/06/2026

One of the most painful moments in a relationship happens in the gap between intention and impact.

One partner says,
“That’s not what I meant.”

The other says,
“But that’s what I felt.”

And suddenly the conversation becomes a courtroom.

One is defending intention.
The other is defending experience.

But in a loving relationship, both can be true.

You may not have meant to hurt your partner.
And your partner may still have felt hurt.

The repair does not begin when one person wins the argument.

It begins when both partners become willing to slow down and listen to what happened between them.

Not just:
“What did I mean?”

But also:
“How did it land for you?”

That is where connection can begin again.

03/06/2026

You know your version of this list already.

The tidy one and the messy one. The saver and the spender. The talker and the quiet one. The one who wants more physical connection and the one who wants less. Every couple has their list. And every couple, sooner or later, comes to believe that the list is the real problem — if only we could agree about this, things would be fine.

You will never agree about those things the way you imagine. And here is the good news: you were never supposed to.

Underneath the thousands of things couples fight about, there are really five: tidiness, money, time and presence, emotional expression, and s*x. Almost every long-term couple is caught in at least three of them.

And none of these fights are actually about what they seem to be about.

The fight about money is not really about rands and cents — it’s about what money means to each of you, and those meanings usually go all the way back to childhood. The fight about tidiness is not about the dishes — it’s about how each of you learned to be safe in the spaces you grew up in. The fight about time together is not about scheduling — it’s about how each of you learned to protect your sense of self inside connection. The fight about s*x is almost never about libido.

This is why “just compromise” rarely fixes anything. Compromise treats the difference itself as the problem to be minimised. It isn’t. What the difference is touching in each of you is the problem. And until that gets seen and understood, you’ll negotiate forever and get nowhere.

What actually works is slower. You stop trying to solve the difference. You get curious about it. You cross the bridge into your partner’s world. You start building something neither of you could have made alone.

That’s the shift we teach at the Getting the Love You Want couples workshop. Three hands-on days with your partner, 5–7 June 2026 in Pretoria. Live demos, real practice, a method you take home.

Read the full article 👉 https://imagorelationship.co.za/the-five-differences-that-drive-every-couple-mad/

Register for the workshop 👉 https://imagorelationship.co.za/workshops/

01/06/2026

You think you’re fighting about dishes.

Or money.

Or s*x.

Or parenting.

Or who forgot what.

But what if the fight you keep having isn’t really about any of those things?

What if the intensity of the argument comes from something much older?

One of the most important truths couples discover in the Getting the Love You Want® Workshop is this:

The issue on the surface is rarely the real issue.

Beneath the frustration is often a deeper longing:

To feel important.
To feel chosen.
To feel safe.
To feel valued.
To feel connected.

When those longings are touched, ordinary disagreements suddenly feel much bigger than they should.

That’s why the same argument keeps returning.

Not because you are broken.

Not because you chose the wrong partner.

But because something important is asking to be understood.

In the workshop, couples learn the Imago Dialogue — a structured way of speaking and listening that transforms conflict into connection.

Instead of defending.
Instead of blaming.
Instead of trying to win.

You learn how to understand.

And understanding changes everything.

The fight may not be what you think it is.

But it may be showing you exactly where healing wants to happen.

Getting the Love You Want® Workshop

Pretoria | South Africa

Learn the conversation that changes everything.

Read the full article here:
https://imagorelationship.co.za/the-fight-you-keep-having-what-its-really-about/

31/05/2026

Register for the Getting The Love You Want Coupkes workshop. 5-7 June, Pretoria. Www.imagorelationship.co.za/workshops

30/05/2026

You didn’t pick the wrong person
Why the differences between you are the whole point of your relationship.

You didn't marry someone too different from you. You married someone different enough to grow you — and that is exactly the point, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Most couples reach a stage where the things they once found charming about each other have become the things they fight about. The calm starts to feel like indifference. The playfulness starts to feel like avoidance. The steadiness starts to feel like a wall. You start wondering, quietly, whether you picked the wrong person.

You didn't. The differences between you and your partner are not random, and they are not a mistake. They are the design of your relationship. The thing your partner does that drives you mad is often touching something old in you — something that was already sore long before you met. And here is the surprising part: your partner is not only the one who can hurt that place. They are also the one who can help it heal.

Not by becoming like you. By staying different — and by learning, together, how to let that difference become a creative force instead of a war.

That shift — from opposition to creation — is the core of the Getting the Love You Want couples workshop.

Read the full article →

Why You Married Someone So Different From You

29/05/2026

Seen, Heard, And Valued Ad

What would change if you felt truly valued in your relationship?

Not judged. Not dismissed. Not simply listened to while your partner waits to respond.

Truly seen. Truly heard. Truly met.

The Getting The Love You Want Couples Workshop teaches couples the art of connection through safe, structured dialogue.

You will learn how to:

speak in a way your partner can hear
listen with curiosity and empathy
validate each other’s inner world
feel more valued, seen, and understood
5-7 June 2026
Pretoria
Presented by Kobus van der Merwe

Learn the art of connection.

Book your place:
https://imagorelationship.co.za/workshops/

27/05/2026

Passion often fades when safety fades.

When conversations become guarded, when small things turn into conflict, or when distance quietly grows, many couples start to wonder where the closeness went.

The Getting The Love You Want Couples Workshop helps couples rebuild the safety needed for real connection.

Through the Imago Dialogue, you will learn how to:

slow down reactive conversations
listen without defensiveness
understand each other more deeply
create emotional safety
make room for warmth, tenderness, and passion to return
5-7 June 2026
Pretoria
Presented by Kobus van der Merwe

Restore passion through dialogue and safety.

Book your place:
https://imagorelationship.co.za/workshops/