Dr Beatrix Jansen van Rensburg, Child & Family Therapist - Somerset West

11/05/2026

Parenting is the most fulfilling experience you’ll ever have but be prepared - It will not be easy…. It will become your most important ‘job’. It will asks from you to unlearn some inner dialogue and even to learn new skills ‘cause you’ll be the one who needs to be that calm, regulated parent from whom your child will experience emotional safety while learning the skill of regulation. Don’t repeat generational patterns. Be the parent who changes the path on which the next generation follows.

Stop crying"" was never a regulation skill. It was just a command — and most of us were never taught what calm actually looks like either.
If you grew up hearing ""stop crying,"" ""calm down,"" ""you're fine,"" or ""there's nothing to cry about"" — you were not being taught emotional regulation. You were being taught that your emotions were an inconvenience. That the goal was to make the feeling stop, not to move through it. That big feelings were something to suppress rather than something to understand and eventually manage.
And now, as a parent, you are being asked to teach your child something you were never taught yourself. That is not a personal failure. It is a generational gap — and recognizing it is where real change begins.
Emotional regulation is not a natural default. It is a learned skill, built slowly, through hundreds of co-regulated moments with a calm, steady adult who can hold the emotional weight of a situation without being overwhelmed by it. Children are not born knowing how to manage big feelings. Their nervous systems are still actively developing the wiring that makes regulation possible. What feels to them like an enormous crisis over a broken cracker is not drama or manipulation — it is a nervous system doing exactly what an immature nervous system does when it encounters something it cannot yet process.
Co-regulation is the bridge. It means that when a child is dysregulated, they borrow the calm of the adult beside them — and over time, through enough of those borrowed moments, they begin to build their own capacity to regulate. The parent's calm is not a passive response. It is an active, neurological gift that the child's developing brain is using in real time.
The micro-shift is small but it compounds. Every time you pause before reacting, take one breath before speaking, and choose to connect before you correct — you are doing something your nervous system never learned to do automatically. You are building a new pattern. And you are teaching your child, through your body before your words, what calm actually feels like from the inside.
Generational change doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like one breath, taken deliberately, in a hard moment that used to swallow you whole.
Were you ever taught how to actually calm down — or just told to? Tell me what that was like"

18/10/2025

So many times the question arise if babies/toddlers under the age of 3 need to be expose to social interaction. And the answer is No….. and it is NO for a very good reason

Many parents are told that enrolling toddlers in daycare early is necessary for socialization. The common belief is that peer interactions are critical for learning how to share, communicate, and play. But neuroscience and attachment research reveal a different truth.

Before age 3, a child’s brain is wired primarily for safety, bonding, and co-regulation. This means toddlers need consistent, warm, and responsive connections with their primary caregivers. The presence of a parent or trusted adult helps regulate their nervous system, supports emotional growth, and lays the foundation for all future social skills.

Peer interactions before this age do not replace attachment. While toddlers can enjoy play, it does not teach them the deep emotional regulation, trust, and security they require. In fact, too much separation from primary caregivers too early can raise stress hormones like cortisol, affecting brain development.

What your toddler truly needs is your time, attention, and responsiveness. Holding them, responding to cries, playing alongside them, and showing calm and patience all provide the foundation for emotional and social skills that last a lifetime.

06/09/2025

This is worth sharing! So much wisdom in every word🙏

I heard something today that felt like someone quietly rearranged the furniture in my soul.

Gabor Maté, in a conversation with Mel Robbins on her podcast, said:
“No two children grow up in the same home. Even with the same parents.”

And he’s right.
By the time each child is born, the people raising them have already changed.
A father may be softer now, or more guarded.
A mother may be freer, or more worn.
The marriage may be blooming… or quietly cracking.
Money might be scarce, or finally enough to breathe.

And then there’s *us*—the children.
We come with different hearts, different fears, different ways of hearing the same words.
One child feels loved in the quiet; another feels abandoned in it.
One thrives under structure; another wilts.
The same hug, the same house, the same parents—yet completely different worlds.

It made me think about the stories we carry.
How we assume we all lived the same childhood because we shared a roof.
But we didn’t.

We were each raised by a different version of our parents… a version shaped by time, by trials, by joy, by fatigue.

And maybe part of growing up - truly growing up - is making peace with this.
To forgive the versions of our parents who couldn’t give more.
To honor the versions who somehow gave anyway.
And to understand that the love was real, even when it looked nothing alike.

Because you see, love isn’t static.
It’s a living thing, it's changing, faltering and blooming; just like the people who give it.

Here’s my video reflection and excerpts of the interview: https://youtube.com/shorts/l3NUPuoX5AM

16/08/2025

When you have a deeply feeling child . . .

You know that sometimes their emotions are too big to regulate, so they come out in intense ways.

You know they might push you away when they’re struggling, even though they crave comfort and approval.

You know they’re incredibly sensitive, and might have a hard time differentiating between vulnerability and shame.

You know their emotions can escalate quickly, then shut down just as fast.

You know to the outside world, it might look a certain way. People might judge or assume.

But here’s the thing—no one else knows your deeply feeling child like you do.

You know they aren’t dramatic—they just feel everything so strongly.

You know they aren’t difficult—they’re just overwhelmed and overstimulated and need some space to process.

You know they aren’t defiant—they’re just looking for boundaries so they feel safe expressing themselves.

You know they pay attention to the smallest, most intricate details, and understand so much more than they let on.

You know they’re observant, thoughtful, and intentional.

You know they’re empathetic, loving, and kind.

And you know someday they’ll change the world, because for a deeply feeling child . . .

Caring is their superpower. 🫶

16/08/2025

By constantly criticizing your child’s behavior, you are not helping them.
You are teaching them to feel inadequate, rather than encouraging them to improve.

You call it "having high standards."
You tell yourself you are "just trying to make them the best they can be."
You point out every flaw, every mistake, every imperfection.

Let's call it what it really is.
It is not coaching. It is a constant search for their faults.

They do not hear your 'constructive criticism.'
They hear a deafening internal voice that says, "I am never good enough."
Your constant corrections become their inner critic.

A child who is only ever criticized will eventually stop trying.
Why would they risk failure, when they know it will be met with your disapproval?
You have not inspired them; you have paralyzed them with a fear of not being perfect.

You cannot criticize a child into becoming a better person.
You can only love and encourage them into becoming one.
Water the flowers, not the weeds.

Author: Arsalan Moin

14/07/2025

Our children entire self-image and sense of self are shape by the way they feel around us as their parents!

THIS 🥺👏

23/06/2025

Yes! Very very true

31/10/2024

We cannot parent without CONNECTION…. Physical and emotional. A child thrives on healthy connection and will always longs for this connection to be restore. Behaviour, although perceived as inappropriate to us is their desperate effort to restore connection with us as their parents!

Thanks Institute of Child Psychology and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. 💜

22/10/2024

Parents and caregivers this is for you!

Co-regulation is such an important tool parents can learn to use to assist their child in learning the skill to manage their emotions through identifying it, understanding why they feel that way and most important: recognise the deep down need they want to complete. This need is the driving force for strong emotions and behavior (most likely inappropriate). This is in true existence the essence of emotional development. Learning skills to enhance our own understanding of who we are, what we feel and what we need. And if you nourish your child’s self esteem and healthy ego strength it is most likely your child will flourish in his/her social development.

31/08/2024

This is worth sharing!

You wanna break a generational curse? Start by giving your kids the right to tell you when something you're doing is hurting them, without being defensive or dismissive. Listen with an open heart and a willingness to grow, because real change begins with acknowledging the pain that’s been passed down. Create a safe space where they feel valued and heard, where their feelings are not just acknowledged but respected. By doing this, you’re not only breaking the cycle of hurt but also teaching them that love is about understanding, compassion, and mutual respect. This is how you build a legacy of emotional healing and strength that will carry through generations.

✍🏻 Worth Sharing