Tune Your Relationship

26/09/2024

How quickly do people move on after a relationship has ended?

I think for most of us, it takes a long while to even accept the ending. In my recovery after divorce group there is a huge variety of ways that people move on - some just cant wait to get into another relationship, some people take several years to work out who they are by themselves. From running this group for 10 years, I have seen so many people (even after 10 years) acknowledge that the break down of their primary love relationship DOES actually need active working through. That's the work I've done as a facilitator of that group but also use those skills when I'm helping therapy clients work through breakdown of a relationship. Particularly difficult when there's been an infidelity and the person you thought you knew is not that person after all.

My website tuneyourrelationship.com.au has a list of the courses I run.

As the WellDoing article talks about; it is actually not that realistic to stay friends with an ex - for most people.
"The extent of the loss is not always known at the outset when the relationship ends. Relationship loss is the obvious one, but the less obvious ones can include things like plans, hopes, dreams, etc. that you had shared. Understanding the extent of the loss and the different sides to it takes time, as does coming to terms with it and then regrouping to start a different life.

You may not initially want to believe that the relationship has ended. As you progress to the next stage, there will be anger and sadness. You or your partner may even try and think of different ways that you could make the relationship work. The sadness of the relationship ending will eventually settle in. There may be tears and feeling down. Depending on your ability to cope with loss, the circumstances of the relationship ending, and a range of other factors, you eventually start to accept that the relationship is now over, and it is time to move on.
Given the history of the intimacy in the relationship, it is also possible that one of you is still in love with the other and may not want to let go and that this may be the reason that you want to keep them a part of your life. The “friendship” you want to keep in this case may be an excuse for keeping the relationship."
https://welldoing.org/article/is-it-possible-to-stay-friends-with-your-ex?utm_source=Welldoing.org+weekly+newsletter+recipients&utm_campaign=570d5153af-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2024_09_25_11_13&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-570d5153af-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D

Even after an amicable breakup, it's not common to stay friends with an ex. Therapist Gurpreet Singh explores the importance of setting new, healthy boundaries for success in this new version of your relationship

02/06/2023

Some good thoughts around emotional intelligence with a very young Paul Newman! 😊

10/11/2022

I have said before that 'Tune your relationship' is as much about understanding and accepting the relationship with oneself as it is about others. This therapist Julia Bueno writes about the rising level of self attack that people are bringing into the therapy room and she has been practicing for 2 decades! I particularly like her phrase - about the pressure to prove ourselves - and how that contributes to the built up self as an external construct.
She goes on to talk about William Storr who has written about the 'selfie in Western society' "describes the ideal that we are encouraged to aspire to as an ‘extroverted, slim, beautiful, individualistic, optimistic, hard-working, socially aware yet high-self-esteeming global citizen with entrepreneurial guile and a selfie camera’. I would add more qualities to this list: wealthy, well-travelled, nutrition-conscious, youthful, maternal/paternal and eco-conscious. These paragons are omnipresent – and normalised – in our parallel virtual worlds, and the dangerously distorting social media platforms operating in them. This double whammy of self-criticism – criticising your self-critic – is more prone to happen in a culture that emphasises striving, happiness and wellness like we do. Clients have often reported thoughts to me along the lines of ‘I know I shouldn’t be so unhappy, it’s ridiculous. I have a good job, lots of friends, I do loads of yoga and breathing exercises’. "

https://welldoing.org/article/why-is-everyone-such-a-harsh-self-critic?utm_source=Welldoing.org+weekly+newsletter+recipients&utm_campaign=059f5732b4-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2022_10_05_12_53&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_2af528cb38-059f5732b4-301314717

17/07/2022

Quick ways to reconnect as a couple :-)
1. Get physical.
Go for a long bear hug, a cuddle session on the couch, hold hands, make eye contact, or try something spicier if the mood strikes. Physical affection can help you both relax and focus on being present and in the moment.

2. Dance to your favorite song(s).
Put on a song from your wedding, a throwback playlist that gets the nostalgia flowing, or jam out together to a concert favorite. Whatever you choose, forget everything else for a few minutes and just have fun.

3. Share a snack.
Fix up your favorite treat together or take turns making something for each other. Then sit down and savor it together, enjoying each other’s company in the process.

4. Make each other laugh.
Get goofy and go out of your way to crack each other up. Add an extra twist by seeing how long you can go without laughing – which, let’s be real, usually makes everything funnier. Laughter gets the endorphins flowing, and having fun together sparks your sense of connection.

5. Take a power walk.
Sneak away on a quick stroll around the block or neighborhood. Enjoy some fresh air as you chat about whatever is on your mind or share about your day.

6. Have a daily check-in.
This is a simple way to incorporate a quick reconnect into your everyday routine. Whether, it’s right after the kids are in bed or over your morning coffee, figure out a time that works for you so that you can be consistent.

7. Share a memory.
Start off a conversation with, “Remember when…” Whether you recall a funny memory or a sentimental one, reminiscing helps you connect over shared experiences.

8. Pray together.
Praying together is a simple yet intimate way feel more emotionally connected and better able to to work through conflicts. Consider adding it to your daily check in if that’s your style.

9. FaceTime each other.
Whether one of you is out of town, or you just want a pick-me-up in the middle of the day, do a quick FaceTime or video call. Seeing each other’s face allows you to pick up nonverbal communication that texting just doesn’t deliver.

10. Give each other a compliment.
Offering up some praise that’s specific and from the heart shows that you truly see and appreciate each other, even when life feels hectic.

Staying connected is crucial to maintaining a vitalized relationship. While it does take intention, it doesn’t have to take up hours every day (unless you want it to!) Consider using these quick ways to connect when time is limited.