28/05/2026
PDAers are, in many ways, allergic to control—any perceived attempt to limit our* freedom can set off a threat response. (*As I identify as a PDAer myself, I will speak collectively about our shared experience, with the needed caveat that every PDAer can and should narrate their experience for themselves in the way that most resonates with them.)
In fact, at the heart of PDA is the need for balance. Imagine an internal scale that has to stay perfectly even. When that balance is tipped—when a PDAer feels their autonomy, leadership, or competency is being challenged—we will do whatever it takes to right the scales.
An example:
My husband was making dinner, and I was having one of those exhausting, frustrating evenings with the kids. As I tried to navigate the chaos, I glanced over and saw him meticulously peeling carrots. Slowly. Carefully. All the peelings were being placed neatly in the compost. Meanwhile, I was getting screamed at.
Something in me snapped. It felt deeply unfair—he had the luxury of peeling carrots in peace, while I was stuck in a storm. Later that night, when I was cleaning up, I grabbed the compost bag full of those carrot peelings and threw it in them right in the trash. With gusto. And suddenly, I felt much better. Sibling relationships are the perfect breeding ground for these rebalancing behaviors because PDAers often feel safest with their siblings. It’s in these safe relationships that they externalize their dysregulation.
The tricky part is that there’s no easy fix for sibling leveling.
It’s hard whether you have one PDA child or multiple. With a non-PDA sibling, that child is often leaned on heavily to accommodate their sibling. With multiple PDAers, you have a power struggle where no one is willing to bend. And having an only child PDAer comes with its own challenges, as there’s no other nervous system to help regulate or provide stimulation. Many parents feel ashamed or overwhelmed by the intensity of sibling conflicts in their homes, but it’s important to remember that sibling relationships are one of the primary places where our kids learn the essential human rhythm of rupture and repair. They learn how to make mistakes and how to fix them. They learn how to get hurt and heal.
What can you do next?
Start by acknowledging that conflicts are inevitable and natural, especially for PDAers. Instead of focusing on preventing every fight, focus on guiding your children through the repair process afterward. Give them time to cool off, and once they’re calm, help them express what happened and how they felt. Encourage them to think about how they can make things right in a way that feels meaningful to both of them.
By modeling this process, you’re teaching them that even when things break down, they can always be repaired—with honesty, love, and care.
Sibling conflict in PDA homes can feel exhausting, especially when one child becomes the “safe place” for all that dysregulation to spill out. But conflict isn’t failure. Instead of trying to stop every fight, focus on helping them move through the repair process afterward. You don’t have to keep walking on eggshells. Repair is possible. Peace is possible.
In my self-paced, comprehensive sibling repair course, you’ll learn how to navigate deep sibling wounds using a low demand approach, helping both your PDAers and their siblings feel safe, seen, and valued
Comment “SIBLING” and we’ll send you the link to learn more and get started today!
