Scriven Program

09/11/2026

Here's what I decided as I thought about the kind of counsellor that I want to be: My job is not to be the hero, it's to awaken something heroic in front of me.

A long time ago, I went through the Strengthsfinder program, which helps people identify the things they are inherently good at. The things that are so easy to you that you assume they are easy for everyone.

My evaluation identified me as a MAXIMIZER:

➡️People exceptionally talented in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.

And so here I am, seeing the best in a man who is going through the worst days of his life.

I want him to see his strengths when he feels his weakest. Find his summer after a brutal winter.

I want to witness their hero's journey.

With this in mind, what is an inherent strength of yours that has played a part in your success?

https://www.gallup.com/cli.../en/252299/maximizer-theme.aspx

09/02/2026

Here's what I learned this week about addiction: The urge to use is the urge to heal.

Men don't turn to p**n, booze, drugs, overwork or gambling to wreck their life. Most of the time they just want a break from their nervous system always being in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

And addictive behavior provides temporary relief in specific ways:

➡️Hallucinogenic drugs can lead to disassociation in the face of the flight impulse.

➡️Opioids like oxycodone give the user a burst of energy to stave off the freeze reaction, and the depression that usually goes with it.

➡️Alcohol numbs the fear center that drives the urge to fight.

And then it wrecks your life.

The men I work with in my practice and at the Men's Therapy Centre are looking for something more sustainable.

➡️They want to build emotional capacity so the nervous system can stand down.

➡️They want to learn the skills of mindfulness and embodiment so they can listen to what their body is telling them.

➡️They want to connect with others in a meaningful way, to experience safety and trust and belonging.

How about a gentle hand on the shoulder to say " I see you are struggling. Take a breath. A deep one. Take a load off. I don't need anything from you, except your presence."

08/26/2026

This month, here's what learned that we need to do more of: Fighting, Talking, Reaching In, and Baseball

➡️The Art of Fighting is a great interview with Priya Parker who wrote a book about how disharmony in a relationship can be a "pathway to a greater connection"

https://youtu.be/neZTYCPGd4s?si=XoCtPZVA8qDGcIPV

➡️The Men Talking Podcast was created by Mike Williams and he has just dropped the first episodes that discuss grief, anxiety, and control. I was honored to be among Mike's first guests and I think you will appreciate his style and the depth of the conversation.

https://www.youtube.com/

➡️The Joy of Talking Baseball is a new podcast from baseball writer Molly Knight and in this episode she talks with a play by play announcer about his deep love and respect for the game

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1tW64Jl5474ccxY0jOyzuY?si=Mh8tVnXuTpmhQ0vev4NrsQ

➡️The Power of Reaching In is a post written by Mark McCollum that answers the question "What if, alongside asking people in distress to reach out, the rest of us became better at reaching in?"

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/reach-mark-mccollum-t15lf

Rediscovering Meitheal in an Age of Disconnection Around 12 men die by su***de every week across the island of Ireland. If 12 people were dying every week from almost any other cause, we would call it a crisis.

08/19/2026

Here's what I learned this week from a workshop on trauma: It's like black ice

I am from Alberta and drove a rear wheel drive Chevy pickup truck when I was a teenager. I learned about driving on icy roads the very first day I owned that truck, when I put it in the ditch on a piece of back ice (with my mother in the passenger seat).

I learned that when you hit ice you didn't see, your first reaction will be to stomp on the brake and steer away from the skid, which is what put me and mom in the ditch.

Instead, take your foot off the gas and steer into the skid.

The men that I meet with in my practice usually approach trauma in a similar way:
➡️They react immediately and try to fix it (stomping the brake)
and
➡️then keep as far away from how it made them feel as possible (steering away from the skid)

Instead, what works better is:
➡️taking a moment to acknowledge what happened (foot off the gas) and
➡️addressing their feelings directly (steering into the skid)

In this way, they stay on the road and out of the ditch.

08/12/2026

Here's what I learned this week from men in solid long term relationships: It's the ordinary days that add up to make a life of love.

When we feel ourselves drifting away from our partner, we think that a grand gesture will be just the thing to bring us back together. A weekend away, the splashy night out, an expensive gift.

Let me tell you that in my experience working with men struggling in their relationship, the grand gesture is overused and overrated. It's rainbows, unicorns, and a three day dopamine hit that makes you forget about the distance that's growing between you. It's a substitute for the hard hairy work that is scary for so many men.

You know what's not overrated?

Tuesday. Doing the dishes together. Playing cards. Going for a night time walk. A six second kiss. A full body hug. Giving her a gentle touch every time you walk past her.

In other words, being present in life together.

➡️Moments with no kids and no phones.

➡️Honest confessions about hopes and fears that are direct without being harsh.

➡️Letting go of being right and holding on to being in this together.

So here's your chance. How are you going to make today ordinary and turn it into a life of love?

07/29/2026

Here's what I learned about quiet quitting this week: It doesn't just happen at work

Men are quiet quitting their relationships. They are going through the motions and their heart is not in it.

Not out of malice. But out of fear, guilt and overwhelm.

They are worried that if they ask for space or bring up conflict, it will trigger a fight, a breakup, or hurt their partner. So they stuff it down and go into survival mode, doing the bare minimum and putting up walls to protect themselves from getting rejected.

Many of the men I work with recognize that they have become roommates or companions and long to become lovers and partners again.

Here are the steps they can take:

➡️Be more intentional and less transactional. Don't just give her an perfunctory kiss as she heads to work. Make it count, so she thinks about it all morning.

➡️Shift the daily conversations away from household management (bills, schedules, chores) and toward things that make you feel alive. Travel, food, art, poetry, s*x, hopes, dreams, and fantasies. Anything but soccer pickup.

➡️Be open when you need to recharge, so you can show up as your best self. Quality, connected time is the antidote to quiet quitting.

Get out of the current of kids, and chores and work and stop letting life carry you along. Put your paddle in the water and turn toward your partner

07/22/2026

Here's what I learned this week about solving problems as a men's counsellor: Fixing and then failing can be paralyzing.

Some things can't be fixed the way most men would like. Conditions like long term drug dependence, anxiety disorder, and trauma cannot be solved like a flat tire or a customer's issue with their invoice.

And worse, if you think you've "sorted it" and then relapse, you can be paralyzed in the fear that you'll never get better. So why even try? And the it spirals from there.

I see men in my practice struggle to get out of the fixing mindset when addressing their mental health.

Instead we focus on making their situation:

➡️Manageable - learning and deploying coping strategies to keep you in a healthy zone between anxious and depressed

➡️Livable - focusing on the richness of your life as it is right now and finding meaning in small things and the people you are connected to.

➡️Tolerable - giving yourself some grace when your symptoms flare and you know are just getting through

The shift from fixing to managing, living, and when needed, tolerating, creates a safe zone where you can address mental health challenges with a lessened fear of failing.

What do you need to stop fixing?

07/17/2026

What I learned this week in providing mental health support to men: They really fear HPV

And by that I mean feeling Helpless, Powerless, and Vulnerable

And this fear of being "less than" impacts our ability to connect meaningfully with the people in our lives. And with ourselves.

I see it all the time in the men that I work with, as they struggle to connect with the emotional core of their identity that's been shut off since the age of 5. When they were first rewarded for being quiet (You're a good boy), strong (take care of your sister) and impervious to feelings (don't cry).

How do we overcome this fear?

➡️Start with giving a name to the feelings that show up. Instead of pushing them aside and moving forward, say "I am afraid/happy/sad/angry"

➡️Practice sharing those feelings in a safe space, like with a trusted friend, or a counsellor. "I don't need to solve this, I just need to share it"

➡️Recognize that it's OK to ask for help, ok to depend on someone else, and ok to acknowledge that to yourself and others.

And when you do, you'll realize that you've tapped into a different kind of strength. One driven by connection, not by solitude

07/08/2026

Here's what I learned last month at a first responders mental health symposium: People would get better care if we treated trauma like an injury, rather than a illness.

Visible, physical injuries are easy to see and understand. Trauma and other psychological challenges are often invisible to colleagues and supervisors.

As a result, injuries are treated differently than illness:

✔️Upstream, more resources are provided to prevent physical injuries. For first responders, that means kevlar vests, fire proof gear, and gloves and masks.

✖️Prevention of mental injuries, through peer support, psychoeducation, and counselling is limited or non-existent.

✔️At the moment of injury, resources are mobilized to treat the injury. First aid, medical response, hospitalization.

✖️At the moment of trauma, there is limited support and often first responders go right back on shift after experiencing trauma.

✔️When it's time to return to work, an injured person is evaluated on their fitness to resume regular duties, give a graduated RTW plan and possibly reassigned to less physical duty.

✖️A first responder will likely have less time to recover, less resources available, and less choices about when they RTW and the duties they can perform.

The perception of injury vs illness is not unique to trauma exposed professionals, only more acute due to the near daily exposure to trauma.

You'd never tell a colleague to "shake it off" when they have a broken leg in the same way you would if they appeared moody, withdrawn, and quiet (all signs of depression).

So, look around you. Who is injured and could use some first aid?
---------------

Thanks to Derek and the team Diversified Rehabilitation Group for hosting this symposium.

06/30/2026

Here's what I learned this week in my sessions as a Men's Therapist: A marriage or a job can end and still be successful.

This post is inspired by the article from the New York Times linked below.

The expectation of marriage and career used to be:

➡️Work at one job until you retire
➡️Marry and live with one person until death do you part

Anything less than those two outcomes was deemed a failure.

The men I work with are trying to live up societal expectations and fulfill their own desire to be in meaningful relationships and careers.

How can they do this?

➡️Embrace the "and" - as in our marriage ended and it was good for a long time.

➡️Be honest with their partners and their employers, and themselves, about what's really important to them. Not what keeps the peace at home or at work.

➡️Get curious about the other side. What does your partner or your boss want and why is that important to them?

Follow these steps and you won't be left wondering, is this it?