Scriven Program

10/22/2026

Here's what I learned this week about men who take a long look at themselves mid-career: We are not the same person we were at the beginning of our career, so why should we want the same things out of a job?

This mid-career reset often starts with dissatisfaction in a current role.

➡️ The NCE (new career energy) around an industry, company, or role has faded after 20 yrs in.

➡️ You start to question the career path and ultimate job/company/accomplishment that seemed meaningful to you when you were 25 and in your first real job.

I see this every week in my practice, where men are feeling the weight of the golden handcuffs that keep them in jobs that don't make them happy but are stable and pay for life now and retirement in the future.

They've spent their whole adult lives connecting their identity and self worth to their work.

When they consider making a change, they begin to grapple with two questions:

➡️ If I am not working in this role, who am I?

➡️ If I am not striving for the better job, the bigger paycheck, and the more prestigious company, am I reaching my full potential?

In my experience, mid-career is the perfect time to ask these questions and to challenge the goals you set for yourself at the beginning of your career. You have plenty of runway to retrain or go back to school and current employment can provide stability until you are ready to make a change.

The end result is that most men discover they are not the same person they were 20 years ago and their ambitions, values, and priorities have shifted and that's causing the disconnect with their current job.

What an opportunity to reset for the next 20 years.

What has shifted in you since the beginning of your career and has it changed how you feel about your current job?

09/29/2026

Here's what I learned from music this week (and applied to my life): Never let the lyric get in the way of the groove.

This musical philosophy is credited to Maurice White from the band Earth, Wind, and Fire who used these words when his co-writer pressed him to replace the nonsense phrase "ba-dee-ya" with real words.

Never let the lyric get in the way of the groove. 🎶

This same philosophy can save our lives the same way it saves a song.

Lyrics help us understand what a song is about. And like lyrics, specific words with their specific meanings help us define who we are.

The lyrics to the song "Who Am I" that we sing to ourselves go like this:

➡️I'm a dad. An introvert. A carpenter. A husband. A provider.

Cool story, bro'
But what's your groove?

➡️ 3 carpenters on a job site and after watching them for 5 mins, you know which one has a groove. There's precision, joy, and collaboration in their work.
➡️ 3 Dads at the pick up line. One never gets out of the car, one is on the phone and never looks up, and one is on the playground talking to teachers and kicking a soccer ball with their kid. Who's in the groove?

We spend our lives searching for the lyrics to define us, instead of listening to the groove inside of us. Like a song with no lyrics, we connect to the groove and make our own meaning.

So, next time you are in a coffee shop, at the bar, or a school concert, have a look around. Who's in the groove?

Are you?

09/16/2026

Here's what I am realizing about my first fictional hero: I idolized him for the wrong reasons.

My father introduced me to author Robert B Parker and his character Spenser, who was a former cop turned private eye solving cases in Boston.

Spenser was strong and solitary, pure of heart, and overly committed sometimes to doing what's right. What a role model, for the boy I was at the time.

Except, I missed the parts that in hindsight made in a model for the modern man:

➡️He had friendships with many men in his life. Cops, leg breakers, gangsters, lawyers, and newspaper writers. He was never alone when he needed help.

➡️He had a long term relationship with a woman who was a well developed person in her own right. It was an imperfect union, but any disharmony was followed by repair and it made them stronger.

➡️He had hobbies that gave him a sense of accomplishment and self sufficiency, like woodworking and cooking.

➡️He took responsibility for the raising of a boy who wasn't his own and maintained an adult relationship with him.

➡️He cared about and was part of the community that he lived in. Boston is as much a character in these books as his best friend Hawk.

So, it's time to re-read the series through a more informed lens and to see if I can love it even more.

09/11/2026

Here's what I decided as I thought about the kind of counsellor that I want to be: My job is not to be the hero, it's to awaken something heroic in front of me.

A long time ago, I went through the Strengthsfinder program, which helps people identify the things they are inherently good at. The things that are so easy to you that you assume they are easy for everyone.

My evaluation identified me as a MAXIMIZER:

➡️People exceptionally talented in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.

And so here I am, seeing the best in a man who is going through the worst days of his life.

I want him to see his strengths when he feels his weakest. Find his summer after a brutal winter.

I want to witness their hero's journey.

With this in mind, what is an inherent strength of yours that has played a part in your success?

https://www.gallup.com/cli.../en/252299/maximizer-theme.aspx

09/02/2026

Here's what I learned this week about addiction: The urge to use is the urge to heal.

Men don't turn to p**n, booze, drugs, overwork or gambling to wreck their life. Most of the time they just want a break from their nervous system always being in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

And addictive behavior provides temporary relief in specific ways:

➡️Hallucinogenic drugs can lead to disassociation in the face of the flight impulse.

➡️Opioids like oxycodone give the user a burst of energy to stave off the freeze reaction, and the depression that usually goes with it.

➡️Alcohol numbs the fear center that drives the urge to fight.

And then it wrecks your life.

The men I work with in my practice and at the Men's Therapy Centre are looking for something more sustainable.

➡️They want to build emotional capacity so the nervous system can stand down.

➡️They want to learn the skills of mindfulness and embodiment so they can listen to what their body is telling them.

➡️They want to connect with others in a meaningful way, to experience safety and trust and belonging.

How about a gentle hand on the shoulder to say " I see you are struggling. Take a breath. A deep one. Take a load off. I don't need anything from you, except your presence."

08/26/2026

This month, here's what learned that we need to do more of: Fighting, Talking, Reaching In, and Baseball

➡️The Art of Fighting is a great interview with Priya Parker who wrote a book about how disharmony in a relationship can be a "pathway to a greater connection"

https://youtu.be/neZTYCPGd4s?si=XoCtPZVA8qDGcIPV

➡️The Men Talking Podcast was created by Mike Williams and he has just dropped the first episodes that discuss grief, anxiety, and control. I was honored to be among Mike's first guests and I think you will appreciate his style and the depth of the conversation.

https://www.youtube.com/

➡️The Joy of Talking Baseball is a new podcast from baseball writer Molly Knight and in this episode she talks with a play by play announcer about his deep love and respect for the game

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1tW64Jl5474ccxY0jOyzuY?si=Mh8tVnXuTpmhQ0vev4NrsQ

➡️The Power of Reaching In is a post written by Mark McCollum that answers the question "What if, alongside asking people in distress to reach out, the rest of us became better at reaching in?"

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/reach-mark-mccollum-t15lf

Rediscovering Meitheal in an Age of Disconnection Around 12 men die by su***de every week across the island of Ireland. If 12 people were dying every week from almost any other cause, we would call it a crisis.

08/19/2026

Here's what I learned this week from a workshop on trauma: It's like black ice

I am from Alberta and drove a rear wheel drive Chevy pickup truck when I was a teenager. I learned about driving on icy roads the very first day I owned that truck, when I put it in the ditch on a piece of back ice (with my mother in the passenger seat).

I learned that when you hit ice you didn't see, your first reaction will be to stomp on the brake and steer away from the skid, which is what put me and mom in the ditch.

Instead, take your foot off the gas and steer into the skid.

The men that I meet with in my practice usually approach trauma in a similar way:
➡️They react immediately and try to fix it (stomping the brake)
and
➡️then keep as far away from how it made them feel as possible (steering away from the skid)

Instead, what works better is:
➡️taking a moment to acknowledge what happened (foot off the gas) and
➡️addressing their feelings directly (steering into the skid)

In this way, they stay on the road and out of the ditch.

08/12/2026

Here's what I learned this week from men in solid long term relationships: It's the ordinary days that add up to make a life of love.

When we feel ourselves drifting away from our partner, we think that a grand gesture will be just the thing to bring us back together. A weekend away, the splashy night out, an expensive gift.

Let me tell you that in my experience working with men struggling in their relationship, the grand gesture is overused and overrated. It's rainbows, unicorns, and a three day dopamine hit that makes you forget about the distance that's growing between you. It's a substitute for the hard hairy work that is scary for so many men.

You know what's not overrated?

Tuesday. Doing the dishes together. Playing cards. Going for a night time walk. A six second kiss. A full body hug. Giving her a gentle touch every time you walk past her.

In other words, being present in life together.

➡️Moments with no kids and no phones.

➡️Honest confessions about hopes and fears that are direct without being harsh.

➡️Letting go of being right and holding on to being in this together.

So here's your chance. How are you going to make today ordinary and turn it into a life of love?

07/29/2026

Here's what I learned about quiet quitting this week: It doesn't just happen at work

Men are quiet quitting their relationships. They are going through the motions and their heart is not in it.

Not out of malice. But out of fear, guilt and overwhelm.

They are worried that if they ask for space or bring up conflict, it will trigger a fight, a breakup, or hurt their partner. So they stuff it down and go into survival mode, doing the bare minimum and putting up walls to protect themselves from getting rejected.

Many of the men I work with recognize that they have become roommates or companions and long to become lovers and partners again.

Here are the steps they can take:

➡️Be more intentional and less transactional. Don't just give her an perfunctory kiss as she heads to work. Make it count, so she thinks about it all morning.

➡️Shift the daily conversations away from household management (bills, schedules, chores) and toward things that make you feel alive. Travel, food, art, poetry, s*x, hopes, dreams, and fantasies. Anything but soccer pickup.

➡️Be open when you need to recharge, so you can show up as your best self. Quality, connected time is the antidote to quiet quitting.

Get out of the current of kids, and chores and work and stop letting life carry you along. Put your paddle in the water and turn toward your partner

07/22/2026

Here's what I learned this week about solving problems as a men's counsellor: Fixing and then failing can be paralyzing.

Some things can't be fixed the way most men would like. Conditions like long term drug dependence, anxiety disorder, and trauma cannot be solved like a flat tire or a customer's issue with their invoice.

And worse, if you think you've "sorted it" and then relapse, you can be paralyzed in the fear that you'll never get better. So why even try? And the it spirals from there.

I see men in my practice struggle to get out of the fixing mindset when addressing their mental health.

Instead we focus on making their situation:

➡️Manageable - learning and deploying coping strategies to keep you in a healthy zone between anxious and depressed

➡️Livable - focusing on the richness of your life as it is right now and finding meaning in small things and the people you are connected to.

➡️Tolerable - giving yourself some grace when your symptoms flare and you know are just getting through

The shift from fixing to managing, living, and when needed, tolerating, creates a safe zone where you can address mental health challenges with a lessened fear of failing.

What do you need to stop fixing?