Before That

13/10/2026

We're going to need a bigger room.

What a great group that was for the new topics, we went over boundaries, how the theories of Paul Federn who studied under Freud were applicable to the boundaries of your ego (also how to tell people with stinky breath to back off 😆 ) how childhood can give us low boundaries and then most importantly the act of being able to say no, looking forward to this Thursday where we cover shame and emotional triggers at

11/10/2026

After a great group start back the first week around boundaries and saying no stimulated some great conversation, specifically around how we learn to have low boundaries from a young age.

Some of our earliest lessons about boundaries were not taught through words. They were taught through what happened when we tried to say no.

Being told to hug someone when we felt uncomfortable. Having our belongings searched without respect for privacy. Being made to feel rude, selfish or secretive for wanting a choice.

When a child's limits are repeatedly dismissed, they may learn to prioritise other people's comfort over their own. Later, that can look like people pleasing, overexplaining, avoiding conflict or feeling guilty for needing space. It is a learned pattern, not an inevitable outcome, and it can change.

Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are about recognising where your body, time, privacy and choices belong.

What boundary were you taught you weren't allowed to have?

20/09/2026

Sometimes radical acceptance begins with a painful question: what if they will not change?

You have explained it. You have been honest. You have taken accountability for your part and tried to repair the relationship. But effort does not always create movement in someone who does not want to move.

That is often the point where something becomes clear, they will not change, when we reach this point we move into what we call in psychology radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance is not approval. It is not giving up on yourself. It is recognising reality as it is, instead of staying attached to who someone could become.

When you stop making decisions based on potential, you can start responding to the pattern that is actually there. That might mean adjusting your expectations, strengthening your boundaries, protecting your peace, or choosing a different next step.

Acceptance can be painful, but it can also be freeing.

19/09/2026

Sometimes concern is real.

Sometimes it is care, perspective and a genuine attempt to get someone support.

But sometimes concern language is used in a very different way. It can be used to quietly change how other people see someone, especially if that person is speaking up about harmful behaviour, emotional abuse, manipulation, or repeated mistreatment.

That is why context matters.

A person may look distressed, reactive, confused, or unlike themselves for many reasons. If you only focus on the reaction and ignore what may have been happening around them, you can end up with a very misleading picture.

It is also worth noticing the intensity.

How hard is someone trying to convince you that another person is unstable, unwell, or not to be trusted? The stronger the push, the more important it becomes to ask what is actually happening here.

Real concern usually supports the person, allows room for nuance, and points toward care.
Image management often uses concern language to shape perception, redirect attention, and protect someone’s position.

Not every warning is manipulation.

Not every display of distress is proof of instability and not every expression of concern comes from empathy.

Sometimes the most important question is not just what is being said about someone, but what that story is doing.

18/09/2026

October 8th 1pm at Your Voice Inverclyde

🧠💭 Understanding Ourselves and Others

Why can saying no feel so difficult? 🤔

Why can one comment bother us for the rest of the day, or a conversation we have been avoiding slowly turn into resentment? 💬

Why do we sometimes assume the worst before we actually know what is happening?

📅 This October, Before That is starting a new six week group looking at some of the things that come up in our everyday relationships with other people.

We’ll look at boundaries, triggers, resentment, difficult conversations, catastrophising, defensiveness, rejection and why we can sometimes put other people’s approval ahead of what we actually need. 🧠

💬 There’s no pressure to talk about anything personal. You can join in, listen, ask questions or just take something away to think about.

⏰ One hour a week for six weeks, starting in October.

🌱 Not therapy or counselling. Just a chance to understand ourselves and others a little better.

Before That

18/09/2026

Gaslighting is more than disagreement, dishonesty or two people remembering an event differently. The important distinction is the pattern: repeated denial, distortion or reframing that leaves someone increasingly unsure of their own perception.

Individual phrases are not proof on their own. Context, repetition and the wider pattern matter. Trusting your gut can alert you to
inconsistency; discernment helps you test that feeling against evidence, behaviour and what happens over time.

17/09/2026

Self-awareness matters. Understanding where a pattern came from can make it less confusing and give us more choice.

But insight has a limit.

It is possible to become extremely good at explaining your behaviour while continuing to repeat it. Sometimes the analysis itself becomes comfortable: another explanation, another conversation about why the pattern exists.

None of that is useless. But eventually the important question changes.

Not only: “Why do I do this?”

Also: “What will I actually do differently when the familiar moment arrives again?”

Understanding a pattern and interrupting a pattern are related. They are not the same skill.

16/09/2026

Avoidance is not always obvious. It can look like scrolling, staying constantly busy, changing the subject, reaching for something soothing or trying to force a feeling away.

That makes sense because avoidance often works briefly. The discomfort drops, and the brain gets a powerful lesson: escaping the feeling brought relief.

The difficulty is what happens over time. If we repeatedly need to escape a feeling, the feeling itself can start to seem increasingly threatening.

The alternative is not forcing yourself to like distress. It is gradually learning that a difficult feeling can be present without having to decide your next move for you.

15/09/2026

A compliment can be surprisingly difficult to receive.

Sometimes it does not fit comfortably with the way you already see yourself. Sometimes being noticed feels exposing. Sometimes positive attention is simply unfamiliar.

So you minimise it, explain it away, make a joke or immediately return a compliment.

You do not need to force yourself to believe every positive thing someone says. But you can practise allowing kind information to exist without immediately disproving it.

A simple “thank you” leaves room for the compliment without asking you to become a different person on the spot.

10/06/2026

We've been discussing at group attachment styles and some people have been asking a good way to test their attachment style, if you head over to https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/ you can begin the quiz immediately, whilst not an exact science it gives you a rough idea of your attachment style based on your relationship with your parents and your last long term relationship, looking forward to hearing everyone's results on Thursday.