MJB Counselling

06/06/2026

27/05/2026

Shame and guilt often get lumped together when we talk about PTSD. While they both can keep our nervous system in a state of "freeze" they operate differently.
Guilt is a negative response to a behavior or action. We believes something we did (or didn't do) was bad or somehow caused our trauma.
Shame is the belief that something about us is flawed or bad.
It's what causes us to withdraw because we feel we are unworthy of love and support.
Understanding the difference matters, because the path to healing is not the same for each.
Recognizing that these emotions are a result of the trauma rather than a reflection of us as a person is a good first step.

27/05/2026

20/05/2026

Self-blame usually develops as a survival strategy.

When you grew up, dated, or lived in environments where no one took accountability or conflict felt unsafe or unpredictable. Where repair didn’t happen or you were punished for having needs.

You learned that feeling out of control made you feel powerless and that isn’t safe.

So self-blame became a strategy to protect yourself!

I once struggled with this myself post-trauma - bc if it’s your fault then you can…
- fix it
- avoid conflict
- smooth it out
- stay connected
- avoid backlash or punishment
- prevent abandonment

This was 100% self-protection but it was disguised as responsibility.

And for a long time, that worked for you…and probably worked well. As in it kept you safe enough to survive relationships where repair wasn’t even an option.

But now post trauma, in your safe, desired relationships - you’re not in the same life anymore.

And so the instinct to collapse into blaming yourself doesn’t actually protect you now - it just disconnects you from yourself and can cause you to sabotage the relationship. Which is exactly what I see with many of the clients I work with.

I am often reminding those clients that they don’t need to carry the emotional labor anymore. They don’t need to be the one who holds everything together. They don’t need to blame themselves to feel safe in their connection with others (and if you do, the connection probably isn’t safe).

You get to stay with yourself now. And not out of fear but out of self-trust that you have clear values and boundaries that you uphold and you know what to do IF you experience someone not owning their part - not being willing to communicate or repair.

06/05/2026

Some people are building a life with encouragement behind them.

They have people who reassure them when they doubt themselves. People who celebrate their wins, help them recover from setbacks, remind them who they are when they forget, and make life feel a little less heavy.

And then there are people doing all of this without that.

People who had to become their own comfort. Their own witness. Their own safe place. People who are trying to heal while still carrying the grief of never having had the support they needed in the first place.

That changes everything.

It changes how long things take. It changes how hard everyday life can feel. It changes how much energy goes into simply staying steady. It changes what “progress” even looks like.

Because when you do not have a healthy family, a safe home base, or people who know how to support you emotionally, you are not just trying to grow. You are trying to grow while fighting the extra weight of what was missing.

You are trying to build self-worth where shame was planted. You are trying to learn rest when your body was trained for vigilance. You are trying to trust yourself when you were taught to question your own feelings. You are trying to create a life while also healing from the fact that you had no real village to lean on.

That is not a small thing.

So stop measuring yourself against people whose path was softened by support you never received. Stop calling yourself behind when you have been doing the work of healing, surviving, and rebuilding at the same time. Stop overlooking how much strength it takes to keep going when so much of your energy has always gone into holding yourself together.

There is a particular kind of courage in becoming the person you needed while still grieving the fact that no one was that for you.

That is the part people do not always see.

They see what you have not done yet. They do not see what it cost you just to get here. They do not see the private battles, the self-parenting, the nights you had to talk yourself through pain with no one coming to meet you in it. They do not see how many times you had to keep going without reassurance, without guidance, without a hand reaching back for you.

But your younger self would.

The version of you who felt alone, unsupported, unseen, and still kept going would look at you now and know exactly how hard this has been.

So no, you are not failing.
No, you are not weak.
No, you are not behind.

You are doing something many people never have to do: becoming whole without the support that should have helped shape you in the first place.

That deserves more tenderness, not more criticism.

And it definitely deserves to stop being compared to people who had a village.