Liz Vigar Counselling

16/09/2026

“Never free, never me - so I dub thee unforgiven”

Metallica “The Unforgiven”

The theme of the song is essentially about being trapped by what others have imposed on us. Although particularly about a religious framework, I think that many of us could say that, to some degree or another, we have conformed to the authority of others who have determined how we should live - who we should be.

Later in the song there a line that goes: “he tries to please them all, this bitter man he is”

This is about someone who has spent years trying to please the very people whose expectations have so constrained him. His true self has been progressively buried in the continual effort to satisfy everyone else.

I think that this too is something that many of us can relate to. A child can learn that love, approval or safety depend upon being the ‘right’ sort of person. We can also experience this in relationships, peer groups, societal expectations and institutions among others. Eventually, pleasing others stops being something we consciously choose, rather, an automatic way of existing, surviving and trying to find love and acceptance.

I think a turning point can come when we discover that thoughts, beliefs and expectations, for example, are not our own as we had previously thought, but are sometimes someone else’s.

When we make these realisations, there can be deep pain, sadness and anger. There might be anger at those who have taken away our freedom, grief for all the years lost - whole stretches of life that cannot be recovered, opportunities not taken, relationships affected and choices made out of fear.

The second line of the quote: “ so I dub thee unforgiven” is about taking back control as in ‘you don’t get to do this to me, or label me - I’m going to call you unforgiven.

I might go further though in saying that I think forgiveness is another potential turning point. Sometimes people talk about forgiveness as ‘letting go’ but I think it is more than that. I think that forgiveness shouldn’t demand that the thing that happened ‘doesn’t matter anymore’. In order to forgive deeply, it is important to know what it is we are forgiving.

This kind of pain, especially that which comes from years of abuse and control needs to be named and felt, rather than hurried past or denied. Sometimes we imagine freedom to be reaching a place where we are no longer affected by what happened. But perhaps a deeper freedom is being able to say: “yes this did happen, it affected me deeply, I will tell the truth about it but I will now allow the life I have, to begin to be lived authentically. Forgiveness can be an informed choice as opposed to something we feel but it is not always easy!

Carl Rogers said: “People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be.”

He goes on to describe how a sunset doesn’t need to be controlled, it can simply be allowed to unfold.

It isn’t about throwing off rules but a suggestion that, given the right conditions, people can move toward growth, integration and becoming more fully themselves. This doesn’t mean throwing off every value that we have inherited and saying ‘nobody gets to influence me’. Perhaps it is closer to: ‘I can examine what I have inherited, decide what I genuinely believe and consciously choose what I carry forward’.

17/07/2026

“Sooner or later, she had to give up the hope for a better past” - Irvine Yalom

This is probably one of Irvine Yalom’s most cited quotes. I think it captures a rather difficult psychological truth but, nevertheless, one that could have the potential to bring about an enormous amount of freedom to really live in the present.

I believe that our past carries great significance in the sense that what has happened to us deeply shapes who we are now.

Do you ever find that circumstances sometimes seem to serve to remind you of difficult and traumatic times and events? You might be going along quite fine until something comes to give a big stir into the murky depths of your past. It may be a reminder of a past you, one that you would rather forget as there is deep shame there. Or perhaps it re-awakens some trauma of something that has happened or a traumatic time in your life.

Trauma often responds to themes not identical events. The nervous system recognises emotional patterns more than factual details - it points to where the wound is, not to who you are now. The emotional echoes may be similar, but the reality is not. Sometimes it can be very difficult to differentiate.

Therapy isn’t about erasing the past, but it is about helping us to increasingly live as though the past does not dictate the present. Where we have come from is actually an integral part of who we are. It is part of our story and will influence us for good and bad but it doesn’t necessarily need to define us. The goal isn’t for the trauma not to matter any more as, although we wouldn’t have chosen it, we can value our identity, our journey and the person we have become. Rather than clinging to the suffering, it can become a chapter rather than the title of our life.

Healing often involves grieving what cannot be changed - not only what happened, but sometimes what never happened: the protection, love, safety or innocence that should have been there. Sometimes it is by gradually letting go of the exhausting task of trying to make it become something it never was that we can find increasing freedom.

We often try all sorts of different ways to fill up the void or cover the pain, but that is a different topic.

So - giving up hope for a better past, is certainly not the absence of hope, but rather a redirecting of hope where we can increasingly live in the present - even though some wounds may continue to ache...

02/06/2026

"I can understand another only by transforming myself, as one transforms one’s hand by placing it in another's.” - Irvin Yalom: The Gift of Therapy

I have always loved this quote. I think it captures something tactile and embodied that happens in the therapeutic relationship. The therapist’s openness, permeability and willingness to be affected creates the conditions in which a person can risk change, providing they are ready and able to use this.

In our personal relationships, the same principle applies. The difference here is that there isn’t the same frame or containment that exists in therapy so the impact is different.

When we allow ourselves deep connection and attachment to others, we experience both deep security and deep vulnerability. For some who have experienced unpredictability in relationships, loss or rejection, the risk feels very much heightened. So much so that, in some cases, we may sabotage relationships by withdrawing and pushing away the attachment that we so long for and to those around us it can feel very contradictory - with the confusing experience of being pushed and pulled in different directions. We don’t mean to but vulnerability and the fear of loss, rejection or even harm can feel too much.

To love deeply almost always involves some degree of pain and loss, but in order to live a fulfilling life, we must inevitably experience both. Healthy connection and vulnerability give relationships depth, but they require both openness and separateness - we must be open to be changed by others - but still grounded enough to remain ourselves within that connection. So we can be affected without becoming absorbed.

If we are enmeshed rather than interconnected, we might experience distress over time - if our boundaries are blurred, we can get pulled off balance and lose clarity. This can create all sorts of difficulties in relationships including co-dependency, loss of our own identity and compromise of boundaries.

Of course all of this is easier said than done! We can all tip either side of the perfect balance - sometimes in a very short space of time! And it is easy enough for someone else to observe and point out to us, but very much more difficult when we are caught up in it.

But the very fact that keeping that balance isn’t easy is what keeps it real. If it were effortless, I would question whether we have really risked very much in the encounter in the first place.

13/04/2026

Meaning in the mist

There was a thick fog this morning. As I was walking round our local lake, I looked across, trying to make out the other side through the mist. It got me thinking about the ‘mists’ in our own lives. Sometimes things feel a little unclear. We may have some idea of the direction we are going and there may be things that we can anchor to for stability, but sometimes it may feel as though those things are almost completely eclipsed.

I think human nature often demands that difficult and confusing circumstances should make sense immediately. We want answers and it is so hard to find peace in uncertainty. Sometimes it may be all we can do to just survive day to day.

How then do we find ‘meaning in the mist’? Perhaps meaning comes much slower than we would like - maybe over time or even years later. Maybe to survive the fog, we could reframe our need for immediate answers and ask ourselves what we need to just keep moving when we can’t see clearly. How can we ground ourselves to find some calm within ourselves even if all around seems to be spinning out of control? What helps us to feel secure? What does it look like to just simply put one foot in front of the other for a time, until we have more clarity?

As I look at my photo of the lake I can’t make out all that much in the distance. There are trees and I can see their reflection on the lake and maybe, if I try hard enough, a hint of what might be blue sky! The trees and bushes directly in front of me though are quite sharp and clear. If I look ahead I can’t make out much and it takes my attention away from the vivid colours right in front of me.

To stretch the metaphor a little more, whilst I am focussing on the misty distance, my mind is trying to resolve uncertainty - figure things out, make meaning and get clarity. This is a very understandable impulse when everything feels emotionally significant and when we feel unsafe and unsure. But, whilst this is happening I am missing things in the present and the more vivid parts of my experience are lost. Now some of these present things may be painful and hard to be with and that’s tough. But there may also be good things that I am finding difficult to see.

I guess grounding isn’t about denying the mist but attempting to rebalance our attention to the present to see what is right in front of us. Perhaps we don’t need to have all the answers just to take the next step?

24/03/2026

All or nothing!

Would you describe yourself as an ‘all or nothing’ person?

I hear this in many different ways from people to varying degrees and can also identify this, at times, in myself. When we feel we need to control and predetermine the outcome of things, we might be avoiding pain or the emotional vulnerability that comes with being seen as anything less than perfect. If we can conquer all weakness and fallibility then there is no reason to feel shame and we can preserve our sense of self-worth.

But why is fallibility and weakness so shameful, so abhorrent and, in some cases, so dangerous. In the extreme, perhaps things have gone very wrong in the past. Maybe the person we depended on for safety, security and stability was terribly unstable and unpredictable themselves? They could have been both loving and abusive and we never knew what we were going to get? What then do we do with that as a completely dependent child? Sometimes to survive, we have to see only love, only perfection because, to hold the devastating alternative of this in mind, would destroy us and our fragile developing self.

Or maybe our caregivers had high expectations of us, sometimes living out their lack of opportunities vicariously through us? Perhaps we grew up with the introjected value that failure is terrible and in order to be valued and loved, we needed to be a high achiever?

We could rebel against criticism and bullying by giving others no opportunity to judge and criticise.

We might try to surround ourselves with perfect people, perfect things, perfect job, perfect life. Unwanted and un-palatable traits and characteristics are projected onto others and we despise what we then see in them as, really, we are seeing something in ourselves that we don’t like.

Of course wanting to do things well and aiming high are not ‘bad’ traits in themselves. We need ambition and it is healthy to feel satisfaction in doing something well and in the things we achieve. It all helps us to have a sense of purpose, value and fulfilment. The difficulties come when these become our defense as it actually prevents us from having purpose, healthy relationships and we lose our sense of enjoyment in life.

Everything in balance! We can redress that balance in the right environment and with the right help.

07/01/2026

“Mirror mirror on the wall”

Narcissus, a figure in Greek myth, was a stunningly beautiful youth who rejected all admirers, including the nymph Echo, leading the goddess Nemesis to punish him by making him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool. Unable to possess the image, he wasted away or took his own life, and where he died, a flower bearing his name (the daffodil) grew. The myth gave rise to the psychological term narcissism, meaning excessive self-admiration and self-centredness.

Of course unhealthy narcissism is not a sign of healthy self-love but rather a manifestation of a deep self loathing and extremely poor sense of self-worth. But I am not talking here about full blown narcissistic personality disorder, but of the narcissistic wound which many of us may be able to identify with.

The psychoanalyst ‘Heinz Kohut came up with the theory on what he calls the ‘tripolar self’ and one of the elements to this is the need to be mirrored. Kohut said children need to be shown by one or both parents/carers that they are special, wonderful and welcome and that it is a pleasure to have them around. They learn how their parents value them through subtle cues; gesture, expression, tone of voice etc. The child looks to the parent for the answer to the question ‘mirror mirror’ and if, at least a reasonable percentage of the time the message is: “you are”, then the grandiose-exhibitionist need is met. If parents are too disturbed or preoccupied and the child never gets enough of these early positive messages, the grandiose-exhibitionist needs are traumatically frustrated. They are then repressed because it’s too painful to be in touch with them when the child has no hope they will ever be gratified.

So what does this look like then in adulthood? I think the scale can vary wildly depending on the deficit and what has happened for us. Sometimes we can put ourselves down in the hope that someone will contradict and compliment us. Or we put on a sort of ‘false self’ that is overly confident, loud - boastful even. Sometimes, as kohut suggests, feelings of insecurity and worthlessness can be interrupted by surges of maladaptive boasting. This is the powerful need for mirroring bursting momentarily through the barrier of repression to strive for gratification.

However it might manifest, what we are doing is trying to cover a deep sense of shame and low self-worth and to strive for any kind of positive affirmation from others, in an attempt to prop up our own fragile mirror.

I think perfectionism in its more extreme forms, can also be a way to cover up our imperfections and weaknesses, perhaps even convincing ourselves just as much as everyone else that we are more than good enough and we don't have weaknesses. Maybe we try to surround ourselves with perfect people as, if we come into close relationship with others, the ‘messiness’ of just being a human being and their imperfections may point to some of our own flaws we don’t want to be reminded of so we keep a distance. If we look good and ‘shiny’ to everyone around us then we might just convince ourselves that we really are that good! Or will we?

When I was in counselling training, we had to present the theory of different needs in childhood and I got mirroring. We decided to act out the different parts of how this may look and the comment at the end of the feedback I got for my caricature of a lack of mirroring said, ‘and I think you enjoyed it’. This made me smile because I think if we are honest we could all identify, at least on some level, with the need to be special, adored, noticed and admired. We could probably all think of ways in which we may have tried to cover or make up for deficits in our own selves that we would rather nobody see.

If we have been adequately mirrored we would have a healthy self-love and of our own worth. There would be more balance as we would accept that we are not perfect but could be confident that, despite our imperfections we are valuable, desired, wanted and loved. To heal from a deep narcissistic wound takes, time, patience and courage. Courage to look at ourselves - our experiences and reactions to others. Probably most important of all though is the encouragement, gentle honesty and love of close friends/family. This can help us to begin to be able to hold up our own mirror that says ‘yes, there may be things you would like to change and improve, you are a work in progress but you are ok - more than that - you are of great worth.

23/12/2025

Lift up your head

Do you find Christmas difficult? It can be so hard to join in with all the festive excitement and joy when our circumstances seem to dictate otherwise.

We can feel sad for all sorts of reasons. We might be struggling with loss which can be painful and profound - Christmas can be a poignant reminder that someone we loved deeply is no longer with us to share in what should be a joyful time.

Or maybe you have a very tough family situation that is difficult to bear. Maybe you just want to get it over and done with.

There could be many other reasons, loneliness, financial burden, illness - to name a few. It's ok if you can't quite get on board with all of the hype and celebration.

I was walking the other day with my dog, not feeling all too great myself. As I walked into the woods the first thing I noticed was the amount of birdsong. It was really quite striking and the whole woods seemed alive. I began to lift my head to look around - noticing the golden sunlight streaking through the trees. I breathed deeply just taking it all in. As I walked I continued to enjoy just being in the moment, even if for a short while and felt grateful to be able to walk in such a beautiful place.

When it feels so difficult to find something good in our situations and we can feel so low, it is hard to lift up our heads. But I would ask, what else is there to do?

I sometimes cringe at the concept of 'gratitude journalling' as it feels quite trite... Like 'whistling in the dark' - making a mockery of the deep and sometimes distressing struggles of life.

But if we can find one thing that would cause a little spark, that would enable us to just lift our head for even a moment it is worth it and we remember that there is also beauty in life that is awesome to behold - even if it is sometimes extremely hard to find!

Whatever it is that would lift your spirits today - a walk in nature, coffee with a friend, a favourite film, perhaps you too can find something, however small, to cut through the dismality and help you to lift up your head.

17/10/2025

“Ain't that what you want them to know?
all they get of you is what they get out of the show
The rest is mine, I guess the beauty and the mess
To hide” (Nickel Creek)

I woke up suddenly, heart pounding, a sense of panic spreading over me. I had been dreaming about my teeth. Not the kind of dream that you would think might normally perpetuate such a sense of fear, but for me it did. I could feel my teeth behind my lips and there was something wrong. They felt sharp, jagged and uncomfortable. As I ran my tongue over them, I realised that they had actually started to unravel… like springs uncoiling. I was doing everything I could to keep my mouth closed. I didn’t want anyone to see. They felt so uncomfortable and it was really tiring and distressing to keep trying to hide them. I remember meeting different people and keeping my mouth closed, not speaking for fear that they would see how ugly and hideous my teeth looked.

Life sometimes feels as though it is one big show. You play your part, you behave to each person in your life in a way that you think would appeal to them - the aspects of yourself that would feel most appropriate in each situation. It’s not that you aren’t being authentic exactly, but you carefully select what parts of yourself you will show, how you might present yourself. So much of what you are is hidden and most of the time, only the ‘acceptable’ parts are on display.

Of course in many contexts it is not always appropriate to be your ‘full self’. It’s not as though you would necessarily share with everyone your deepest darkest thoughts - it is normal to be selective as to whom you might let see those deeper more vulnerable parts of yourself.

So why do we sometimes hide parts of ourselves? Perhaps for fear that people will see and judge? Maybe we feel they are ugly and something to be ashamed of?

I think that shame is such a powerful emotion and can often prevent us from being our true authentic selves. We might fear criticism or rejection from others. Sometimes we can be harsh and critical towards ourselves and our imperfections are difficult for us to tolerate, let alone contemplating someone else’s acceptance of us. When we have acted defensively because of things that have happened to us, we can feel guilty and ashamed when really what we were doing was attempting to survive in the best way we knew how. I think that if we have experienced trauma, especially in our early lives, our sense of shame can be even more acute and difficult to overcome, since we may blame ourselves and this only serves to compound an already low sense of self worth.

Through increasing self compassion and deep understanding of ourselves, we can begin to re-frame our woundedness and come into a deeper sense of healing and self acceptance. As we have an increasing understanding and compassion for ourselves, it matters less what others’ think of us - indeed it only serves to increase our empathy and compassion for others' difficulties and woundedness. I’ve always loved the quote from Henri Nouwen on the subject of the wounded healer:

“Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, ‘How can we hide our wounds?’ so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but ‘How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?’ When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.” Henri Nouwen

I believe that with a decreasing sense of shame and deep understanding comes an increasing sense of healing and wholeness and increased liberation to live more authentically.

21/09/2025

“Tell me what you fear and I will tell you what has happened to you.”
― Donald Woods Winnicott

Sounds ominous doesn't it? This is not about somehow predicting the future but, rather, interpreting the past. I often come back to this quote in my work - not just with clients but in my own personal journey. It is based on the theory that unresolved hurts, fears, traumas from our past, interfere with how we see the world now and others in it - sometimes triggering reactions reflecting the original traumatic experience.

Take, for example, fear of abandonment. This can manifest in various different ways. Perhaps you feel a constant need for reassurance or control - maybe you are hypervigilant to others’ reactions and emotions - always looking out for something to suggest there is an imminent threat of abandonment or rejection. Do you neglect your own needs for the preference of others - fearing conflict? Maybe you push people away in order to preempt being hurt. These are just some of the ways that fear of abandonment can surface but there are many more.

Through utilising these defences, you somehow, subconsciously think that you are avoiding future hurt and pain but, in reality, the hurt, pain and even terror, can be located in the past. Sometimes we develop unhealthy attachment patterns stemming from some of our most earliest life experiences. This doesn’t just have to mean abandonment in its entirety, but can also mean emotional absence or neglect. If someone for whom you were relying upon to keep you safe was emotionally preoccupied and too caught up with their own predicament and emotional distress, this can create anxiety and fear, having a profound impact later in life.

Abandonment is just one example but there are many different manifestations of trauma which are dependent on individual experiences.

The good news is that these patterns, although deep rooted, do not have to control our present and future. With time, self awareness and appropriate support, it is possible for these experiences to no longer define us but rather be just part of our experience. This all takes time, patience and a willingness to be both curious and courageous - trusting in the potential for deep healing and increasing contentment in the present.

29/08/2025

It's the relationship that is key

Attachment theory suggests that early interactions with caregivers can dramatically affect your beliefs about yourself, your expectations of others, and how you cope with stress and regulate your emotions as an adult