What are the opening hours?

Monday 9:15am - 7:30pm Tuesday 9:15am - 7:30pm Wednesday 11:30am - 3pm Thursday 9:15am - 7:30pm

Liz Vigar Counselling, Reading (2026)

I believe in meeting each person where they are and tailoring my approach to what feels most right for you at each stage.

17/07/2026

“Sooner or later, she had to give up the hope for a better past” - Irvine Yalom

This is probably one of Irvine Yalom’s most cited quotes. I think it captures a rather difficult psychological truth but, nevertheless, one that could have the potential to bring about an enormous amount of freedom to really live in the present.

I believe that our past carries great significance in the sense that what has happened to us deeply shapes who we are now.

Do you ever find that circumstances sometimes seem to serve to remind you of difficult and traumatic times and events? You might be going along quite fine until something comes to give a big stir into the murky depths of your past. It may be a reminder of a past you, one that you would rather forget as there is deep shame there. Or perhaps it re-awakens some trauma of something that has happened or a traumatic time in your life.

Trauma often responds to themes not identical events. The nervous system recognises emotional patterns more than factual details - it points to where the wound is, not to who you are now. The emotional echoes may be similar, but the reality is not. Sometimes it can be very difficult to differentiate.

Therapy isn’t about erasing the past, but it is about helping us to increasingly live as though the past does not dictate the present. Where we have come from is actually an integral part of who we are. It is part of our story and will influence us for good and bad but it doesn’t necessarily need to define us. The goal isn’t for the trauma not to matter any more as, although we wouldn’t have chosen it, we can value our identity, our journey and the person we have become. Rather than clinging to the suffering, it can become a chapter rather than the title of our life.

Healing often involves grieving what cannot be changed - not only what happened, but sometimes what never happened: the protection, love, safety or innocence that should have been there. Sometimes it is by gradually letting go of the exhausting task of trying to make it become something it never was that we can find increasing freedom.

We often try all sorts of different ways to fill up the void or cover the pain, but that is a different topic.

So - giving up hope for a better past, is certainly not the absence of hope, but rather a redirecting of hope where we can increasingly live in the present - even though some wounds may continue to ache...

02/06/2026

"I can understand another only by transforming myself, as one transforms one’s hand by placing it in another's.” - Irvin Yalom: The Gift of Therapy

I have always loved this quote. I think it captures something tactile and embodied that happens in the therapeutic relationship. The therapist’s openness, permeability and willingness to be affected creates the conditions in which a person can risk change, providing they are ready and able to use this.

In our personal relationships, the same principle applies. The difference here is that there isn’t the same frame or containment that exists in therapy so the impact is different.

When we allow ourselves deep connection and attachment to others, we experience both deep security and deep vulnerability. For some who have experienced unpredictability in relationships, loss or rejection, the risk feels very much heightened. So much so that, in some cases, we may sabotage relationships by withdrawing and pushing away the attachment that we so long for and to those around us it can feel very contradictory - with the confusing experience of being pushed and pulled in different directions. We don’t mean to but vulnerability and the fear of loss, rejection or even harm can feel too much.

To love deeply almost always involves some degree of pain and loss, but in order to live a fulfilling life, we must inevitably experience both. Healthy connection and vulnerability give relationships depth, but they require both openness and separateness - we must be open to be changed by others - but still grounded enough to remain ourselves within that connection. So we can be affected without becoming absorbed.

If we are enmeshed rather than interconnected, we might experience distress over time - if our boundaries are blurred, we can get pulled off balance and lose clarity. This can create all sorts of difficulties in relationships including co-dependency, loss of our own identity and compromise of boundaries.

Of course all of this is easier said than done! We can all tip either side of the perfect balance - sometimes in a very short space of time! And it is easy enough for someone else to observe and point out to us, but very much more difficult when we are caught up in it.

But the very fact that keeping that balance isn’t easy is what keeps it real. If it were effortless, I would question whether we have really risked very much in the encounter in the first place.

13/04/2026

Meaning in the mist

There was a thick fog this morning. As I was walking round our local lake, I looked across, trying to make out the other side through the mist. It got me thinking about the ‘mists’ in our own lives. Sometimes things feel a little unclear. We may have some idea of the direction we are going and there may be things that we can anchor to for stability, but sometimes it may feel as though those things are almost completely eclipsed.

I think human nature often demands that difficult and confusing circumstances should make sense immediately. We want answers and it is so hard to find peace in uncertainty. Sometimes it may be all we can do to just survive day to day.

How then do we find ‘meaning in the mist’? Perhaps meaning comes much slower than we would like - maybe over time or even years later. Maybe to survive the fog, we could reframe our need for immediate answers and ask ourselves what we need to just keep moving when we can’t see clearly. How can we ground ourselves to find some calm within ourselves even if all around seems to be spinning out of control? What helps us to feel secure? What does it look like to just simply put one foot in front of the other for a time, until we have more clarity?

As I look at my photo of the lake I can’t make out all that much in the distance. There are trees and I can see their reflection on the lake and maybe, if I try hard enough, a hint of what might be blue sky! The trees and bushes directly in front of me though are quite sharp and clear. If I look ahead I can’t make out much and it takes my attention away from the vivid colours right in front of me.

To stretch the metaphor a little more, whilst I am focussing on the misty distance, my mind is trying to resolve uncertainty - figure things out, make meaning and get clarity. This is a very understandable impulse when everything feels emotionally significant and when we feel unsafe and unsure. But, whilst this is happening I am missing things in the present and the more vivid parts of my experience are lost. Now some of these present things may be painful and hard to be with and that’s tough. But there may also be good things that I am finding difficult to see.

I guess grounding isn’t about denying the mist but attempting to rebalance our attention to the present to see what is right in front of us. Perhaps we don’t need to have all the answers just to take the next step?

24/03/2026

All or nothing!

Would you describe yourself as an ‘all or nothing’ person?

I hear this in many different ways from people to varying degrees and can also identify this, at times, in myself. When we feel we need to control and predetermine the outcome of things, we might be avoiding pain or the emotional vulnerability that comes with being seen as anything less than perfect. If we can conquer all weakness and fallibility then there is no reason to feel shame and we can preserve our sense of self-worth.

But why is fallibility and weakness so shameful, so abhorrent and, in some cases, so dangerous. In the extreme, perhaps things have gone very wrong in the past. Maybe the person we depended on for safety, security and stability was terribly unstable and unpredictable themselves? They could have been both loving and abusive and we never knew what we were going to get? What then do we do with that as a completely dependent child? Sometimes to survive, we have to see only love, only perfection because, to hold the devastating alternative of this in mind, would destroy us and our fragile developing self.

Or maybe our caregivers had high expectations of us, sometimes living out their lack of opportunities vicariously through us? Perhaps we grew up with the introjected value that failure is terrible and in order to be valued and loved, we needed to be a high achiever?

We could rebel against criticism and bullying by giving others no opportunity to judge and criticise.

We might try to surround ourselves with perfect people, perfect things, perfect job, perfect life. Unwanted and un-palatable traits and characteristics are projected onto others and we despise what we then see in them as, really, we are seeing something in ourselves that we don’t like.

Of course wanting to do things well and aiming high are not ‘bad’ traits in themselves. We need ambition and it is healthy to feel satisfaction in doing something well and in the things we achieve. It all helps us to have a sense of purpose, value and fulfilment. The difficulties come when these become our defense as it actually prevents us from having purpose, healthy relationships and we lose our sense of enjoyment in life.

Everything in balance! We can redress that balance in the right environment and with the right help.

07/01/2026

“Mirror mirror on the wall”

Narcissus, a figure in Greek myth, was a stunningly beautiful youth who rejected all admirers, including the nymph Echo, leading the goddess Nemesis to punish him by making him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool. Unable to possess the image, he wasted away or took his own life, and where he died, a flower bearing his name (the daffodil) grew. The myth gave rise to the psychological term narcissism, meaning excessive self-admiration and self-centredness.

Of course unhealthy narcissism is not a sign of healthy self-love but rather a manifestation of a deep self loathing and extremely poor sense of self-worth. But I am not talking here about full blown narcissistic personality disorder, but of the narcissistic wound which many of us may be able to identify with.

The psychoanalyst ‘Heinz Kohut came up with the theory on what he calls the ‘tripolar self’ and one of the elements to this is the need to be mirrored. Kohut said children need to be shown by one or both parents/carers that they are special, wonderful and welcome and that it is a pleasure to have them around. They learn how their parents value them through subtle cues; gesture, expression, tone of voice etc. The child looks to the parent for the answer to the question ‘mirror mirror’ and if, at least a reasonable percentage of the time the message is: “you are”, then the grandiose-exhibitionist need is met. If parents are too disturbed or preoccupied and the child never gets enough of these early positive messages, the grandiose-exhibitionist needs are traumatically frustrated. They are then repressed because it’s too painful to be in touch with them when the child has no hope they will ever be gratified.

So what does this look like then in adulthood? I think the scale can vary wildly depending on the deficit and what has happened for us. Sometimes we can put ourselves down in the hope that someone will contradict and compliment us. Or we put on a sort of ‘false self’ that is overly confident, loud - boastful even. Sometimes, as kohut suggests, feelings of insecurity and worthlessness can be interrupted by surges of maladaptive boasting. This is the powerful need for mirroring bursting momentarily through the barrier of repression to strive for gratification.

However it might manifest, what we are doing is trying to cover a deep sense of shame and low self-worth and to strive for any kind of positive affirmation from others, in an attempt to prop up our own fragile mirror.

I think perfectionism in its more extreme forms, can also be a way to cover up our imperfections and weaknesses, perhaps even convincing ourselves just as much as everyone else that we are more than good enough and we don't have weaknesses. Maybe we try to surround ourselves with perfect people as, if we come into close relationship with others, the ‘messiness’ of just being a human being and their imperfections may point to some of our own flaws we don’t want to be reminded of so we keep a distance. If we look good and ‘shiny’ to everyone around us then we might just convince ourselves that we really are that good! Or will we?

When I was in counselling training, we had to present the theory of different needs in childhood and I got mirroring. We decided to act out the different parts of how this may look and the comment at the end of the feedback I got for my caricature of a lack of mirroring said, ‘and I think you enjoyed it’. This made me smile because I think if we are honest we could all identify, at least on some level, with the need to be special, adored, noticed and admired. We could probably all think of ways in which we may have tried to cover or make up for deficits in our own selves that we would rather nobody see.

If we have been adequately mirrored we would have a healthy self-love and of our own worth. There would be more balance as we would accept that we are not perfect but could be confident that, despite our imperfections we are valuable, desired, wanted and loved. To heal from a deep narcissistic wound takes, time, patience and courage. Courage to look at ourselves - our experiences and reactions to others. Probably most important of all though is the encouragement, gentle honesty and love of close friends/family. This can help us to begin to be able to hold up our own mirror that says ‘yes, there may be things you would like to change and improve, you are a work in progress but you are ok - more than that - you are of great worth.

23/12/2025

Lift up your head

Do you find Christmas difficult? It can be so hard to join in with all the festive excitement and joy when our circumstances seem to dictate otherwise.

We can feel sad for all sorts of reasons. We might be struggling with loss which can be painful and profound - Christmas can be a poignant reminder that someone we loved deeply is no longer with us to share in what should be a joyful time.

Or maybe you have a very tough family situation that is difficult to bear. Maybe you just want to get it over and done with.

There could be many other reasons, loneliness, financial burden, illness - to name a few. It's ok if you can't quite get on board with all of the hype and celebration.

I was walking the other day with my dog, not feeling all too great myself. As I walked into the woods the first thing I noticed was the amount of birdsong. It was really quite striking and the whole woods seemed alive. I began to lift my head to look around - noticing the golden sunlight streaking through the trees. I breathed deeply just taking it all in. As I walked I continued to enjoy just being in the moment, even if for a short while and felt grateful to be able to walk in such a beautiful place.

When it feels so difficult to find something good in our situations and we can feel so low, it is hard to lift up our heads. But I would ask, what else is there to do?

I sometimes cringe at the concept of 'gratitude journalling' as it feels quite trite... Like 'whistling in the dark' - making a mockery of the deep and sometimes distressing struggles of life.

But if we can find one thing that would cause a little spark, that would enable us to just lift our head for even a moment it is worth it and we remember that there is also beauty in life that is awesome to behold - even if it is sometimes extremely hard to find!

Whatever it is that would lift your spirits today - a walk in nature, coffee with a friend, a favourite film, perhaps you too can find something, however small, to cut through the dismality and help you to lift up your head.

Address

Reading
RG53JA

Opening Hours

Monday	9:15am - 7:30pm
Tuesday	9:15am - 7:30pm
Wednesday	11:30am - 3pm
Thursday	9:15am - 7:30pm

Telephone

+447796682818

Website

http://www.lizvigarcounselling.com/

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Liz Vigar Counselling posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Contact The Practice

Send a message to Liz Vigar Counselling:

Liz Vigar Counselling