09/08/2026
Being a primary caregiver requires attunement and sacrifice to an extent that is not supported by our culture. The utter lack of a financial safety net for most families, let alone practical, emotional support creates a situation where so much is expected from someone who is severely under resourced.
Somehow we have conflated good mothering with complete self-abandonment. The important thing to know is that there is a negative impact on the child both when the mother totally abandons self and when a mother is too self-absorbed. A child’s development is most healthfully achieved when the caregiver can withstand the child’s assertion of will without caving or controlling, and when they are required to see the caregiver as someone who also has needs, opinions, and preferences.
There isn’t a perfect formula to follow to achieve this balance, but one of the most important things a parent can do is learn to notice when they are having an emotional reaction versus when they are responding with intention.