Gay Therapy La - Ken Howard, LCSW - Psychotherapy and Coaching for Gay Men

09/11/2026

After more than 30 years of working with gay men, couples, and polycules, I’ve seen the same relationship problems come up again and again: disagreements about s*x and monogamy, resentment over money and chores, family conflicts, jealousy, substance use, and incompatible plans for the future.

Some of these problems can be worked through. Others may mean the relationship needs to end.

In my latest GayTherapyLA® Substack article, I discuss ten common reasons gay male couples break up and what may help before the relationship reaches that point.

Read it here: https://buff.ly/6zleUFU

If you’re struggling with relationship issues, I offer individual therapy for gay men in California and coaching for gay men worldwide. Learn more at GayTherapyLA.com

09/05/2026

New blog article today!

When a long-term relationship feels more like roommates, gay men can move from silent drift to an intentional next chapter together.

08/28/2026

Have you ever wondered what an ordinary Tuesday would look like five years after you stop working full-time?

For many gay men, retirement planning brings up more than money. Work may have provided identity, structure, relevance, and social contact for decades. When that organizing force changes, even a financially secure retirement can feel disorienting.

I call this the “blueprint gap”: having the means to build a good later life without an inherited map for purpose, chosen family, care, and belonging. There isn’t one correct retirement to discover. The work is building a later life that actually feels like yours.

Read the full article and listen to the related episode of the Gay Therapy LA Podcast: https://buff.ly/cpkLyAP

08/26/2026

Don’t dream it…Be it.
❤️

(RIP Tim Curry…)

08/19/2026

An open relationship can be consensual, carefully discussed, yet still bring up mixed feelings.

Sometimes one partner quietly harbors doubts because he doesn't want to seem controlling, jealous, or unsupportive. But unspoken ambivalence rarely disappears just because an agreement has been made. It often needs curiosity, reassurance, and an honest conversation about what each partner is actually experiencing.

The goal isn't to decide that openness is right or wrong. It's to notice whether the arrangement continues to feel mutual, respectful, and emotionally sustainable for both of you.

Read the full article: https://buff.ly/EtiqlyL

08/06/2026

Many gay men have learned to treat love languages like a quiz: words, gifts, time, touch, service. The more interesting question is what those gestures come to mean inside a relationship.

A small gift can communicate that you stayed in your partner’s mind. Physical touch can offer comfort and safety—especially when it isn’t assumed to be a prelude to s//x. For some couples, rediscovering affectionate touch without pressure creates more room for desire.

In Part 2 of Five Love Languages Reimagined for Gay Men, I explore receiving gifts, physical touch, and the attachment questions beneath them: When do you feel chosen? What unintentionally makes you feel alone?

Listen to the latest episode of the Gay Therapy LA Podcast through the Linktree in my bio.

If you’d like to explore these ideas in therapy (California) or coaching (worldwide), you can also schedule a consultation through the Linktree.

08/06/2026

Many gay men have found the five love languages useful. But I think the framework becomes more meaningful when we ask a deeper question: what helps you feel genuinely loved?

For some men, words of affirmation are less about compliments than the relief of feeling seen. Acts of service can become a way of offering care—or, sometimes, a way of trying to earn closeness. And quality time is rarely about simply being in the same room. It’s about feeling that your partner has entered your inner world.

Those patterns don’t come from nowhere. They’re often shaped by the experiences we had long before the relationship began.

In my recent episode of the Gay Therapy LA Podcast, I explore the first three love languages through the lens of gay men’s psychology. You can listen through the Linktree in my bio.

If you’d like to explore these ideas in therapy (California) or coaching (worldwide), you can also schedule a consultation through the Linktree.

07/01/2026

Ever opened Instagram and realized everyone else seems to be at the party, the birthday dinner, or the weekend getaway... except you?

It's easy to assume that being left out means something is wrong with you. But often, what hurts most isn't the missed invitation—it's the story your mind tells about what it means.

In this new article, I explore why social exclusion can feel so painful for gay men, how past experiences shape our reactions, and how to stop measuring your worth by someone else's guest list.

If you've ever wondered why one missed invitation can stay with you for days, this conversation is for you.

Read the new article through the Linktree in my bio.

If these feelings are showing up repeatedly in your life, you don't have to work through them alone. You can also use the Linktree in my bio to schedule a consultation to learn more about therapy (California) or coaching (worldwide).

06/22/2026

Many gay men come to therapy believing they're struggling with dating, anxiety, loneliness, burnout, or difficult relationships.

Often those struggles are real.

But underneath them, there can be another pattern quietly driving much of the pain:

Self-abandonment.

It can look like:
• Laughing off things that actually hurt
• Staying too long in one-sided relationships
• Overexplaining instead of asserting boundaries
• Suppressing anger to avoid conflict
• Remaining available to people who don't consistently respect you
• Making yourself smaller to maintain connection

The challenge is that self-abandonment often disguises itself as maturity, patience, flexibility, or understanding.

Over time, however, constantly preserving relationships at the expense of yourself can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs.

In my newest blog post and podcast episode, I explore why so many gay men learn this pattern, how it develops, and what it takes to build relationships that don't require self-erasure in order to survive.

Read the full article and listen to the podcast through the Linktree in my bio.

If this topic feels familiar and you'd like support working through it, you can also use the Linktree to schedule a consultation.

06/18/2026

Why do some leaders seem so psychologically powerful—even when their ideas are simplistic, contradictory, or objectively false?

The answer may have less to do with politics than with psychology.

In both my new blog post and podcast episode, I explore why emotional certainty can feel so compelling during times of anxiety, uncertainty, and rapid social change.

When people feel overwhelmed, many aren't searching for complexity. They're searching for relief. A simple explanation, delivered with absolute confidence, can feel emotionally regulating—even when it's inaccurate.

This isn't just about politics.

The same psychological dynamics appear in families, relationships, workplaces, social media, cults, and everyday life. Understanding them can help us become less reactive, more resilient, and more intentional in how we make decisions.

If you've ever wondered why certainty can be so persuasive—or why nuance often struggles to compete—this conversation may give you a different way of understanding human behavior.

You can read the article and listen to the podcast through the Linktree in my bio. And if you'd like to explore how anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional patterns shape your own life and relationships, you can also use the Linktree to schedule a consultation.