05/21/2026
Thirty-three years ago today I woke up fought to get out of bed, am sure fought my Mom about going to school, but like on any morning got up anyhow did my hair, did my make-up, forgot to eat breakfast again, hopped on the bus and sat with my head propped against the window watching the same scenery I had seen every day as I fought to stay awake.
I woke up thirty-three years ago today but you didn't and like a clip of a movie that morning, that moment of knowing you were gone is forever etched in my mind, my soul and my story. One moment life was one way and the next it was like entering alternate universe where even breathing was painful. It was one moment there was a world with you in it, to the next of an absolute sadness and to use the word gutted, doesn't even come close to the pain that the knife of the truth slashing through me had cut. Emptiness (in a World that was already so empty in that space and time of my life) it was like being sucked into a void in outerspace where no one could hear me scream out in agony not even myself. Anger so much anger they had to be lying, how could everyone be so unbelievably cruel, why would they tell me this, and one why flooded into another why after another. Why? I can remember screaming why, being on the floor drowning in a black ocean of grief on the junior high hallway floor. Why didn't I know? Why didn't I see your pain, your grief, your absolute pain, why was I so selfish and unaware, why did you leave me, why did I try to start a fight with you the day before, the mountains of whys that can happen in a moment is insurmountable. For years the why haunted me, till one day I realized the whys were never for me to know, because the whys would never bring you back, and your hell that lived within you I would never wish to understand nor would I wish you back here to feel and experience whatever you were going through. You made me and so many others see differently not just on that day. There was a before you died and an after and both brought us all life lessons that am sure we carry deep within us.
The life you lived before this day taught me the importance of joy, between you would be proud of me and the fact that you taught me how to see the glimmers in life before I could even understand it and now I teach and guide others to seek the glimmers in the little moments. Like a great big belly laugh, you had the most entertaining and larger than life laugh, you would joke about the dumbest s**t and when you would laugh it was contagious so much to the point I'd laugh till my ribs hurt (I just realized I haven't laughed that hard in 33 years, god I miss your laugh but I can see you now laughing just to make me smile what beautiful imagery).
You taught me the importance of writing, writing your thoughts, your feelings, whether it be poetry or letters, everyday I looked forward to what piece of writing you would leave in my locker. Your writing was deep, eloquent, honest and from the heart, your writing saved me more times than you know or maybe you did know and that's why you continued to do be so diligent and faithful or reminding me of my purpose, my value,you taught me I was someone worth knowing, someone who deserved to heal, and to live my life to the fullest, that kind of knowledge and love sadly came from so much grief, I didn't know and I surely didn't understand and I am so sorry that I couldn't see I was unbelievably broken and you still everyday brought me the glue to help seal my shattered edges back together with your words. If I could even remotely come close in my writing to help others see their value, to encourage moving forward I owe that to you. Your words stopped me countless times, I was so close and thank you for giving me hope when hope was in shortage. You were my hope dealer.
Thirty-three years ago today I realized even in my grief, anger, shock how much I really wanted to live and just not feel so lost in the abyss of my mind and my emotions, I learned that depression doesn't make me less than, it doesn't mean I am broken, I just wanted to live. Your death awakened me to life. There is a guilt that came with that, and the it should have been me and not you came with it too. Yet I somehow to live and I thank you for that. Even though at times my life was unbearable, and a Hell I'd never wish upon any, you got me through all of these years, the signs and messages you left me along the way encouraging me to forge ahead. To chase life, dreams, love, and to not care so much what others thought, you have been my life coach from the other side so even in death I felt your love, your encouragement and even sometimes I could have heard you say, "what the f**k Potten" in the moments I was being reckless. Your life and even in your death you taught me how precious this all is.
Howard thank you, for every single moment we had, thank you for coming for a brief visit yesterday (I really needed that reminder), my words have power you told me that and you know what I believe you, thank you for helping me believe in me. Your gentle soul, and the kindness you moved with I carry that with me everyday. I try my best to lead by the example you gave me and what a great one you did. Howard the love that dwells within my vessel for you that I can not bestow upon you I make sure to share it with a stranger who may need a safe space, family, friends, all the animals, flowers, trees, I do my best to only leave gentle footprints đź‘Ł on lives journey, and most days I save some of that love for myself. Something I do not believe I ever could have done without you. Howard you lived, you didn't just die and sometimes those of us who were left behind need that reminder. Today it is supposed to rain and I am feeling a little blue (maybe not a navy blue but a grayish blue) but I am gonna dance đź’™ out there, splash in the puddles, and let God's tears wash over me as you watch over me and I kind of pray for thunder because it is as loud and bold as your laugh. 33 years ago today I lost my best friend, but I gained an angel (sorry for all the over time hours you have to put in watching over me).
Xoxo Amy
P.S.
You are not alone, if you are struggling, considering self harm, or su***de please call #988
If you are in Canada it is open 24 hours. My heart and door is always open.
