Therapy With Hanna B

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Therapy With Hanna B Be the love. https://bit.ly/m/TherapywithHannaB

**Hanna Zipes Basel, LICSW, LADC, CST**
🌿 Relationship & S*x Therapist
❤️‍🩹Helping people embrace their inner worlds.
☕️Couples therapy in OR and MN
⬇️It starts with you.

10/15/2026

You desperately want your partner to understand how much they hurt you.

So you explain.

They get defensive.

You explain LOUDER.

They tell you they can’t talk to you when you’re like this.

And now you’re furious because the ONE person you need comfort from is making you feel even more alone.

This is one of the cruelest patterns I see working with high-conflict couples.

The more important something feels, the harder it can become to ask for it in a way your partner can actually hear.

Because when you’re desperate for reassurance, understanding, or connection, the stakes feel enormous.

You’re thinking, “If I have to ASK you to care about me, what does that say about us? Why can’t you just SEE how much I’m hurting?”

So instead of saying, “I really need to know that my feelings matter to you,” you say, “You NEVER care about how I feel.”

Your partner hears an accusation.

They start defending themselves against being the uncaring person you’re describing.

You hear their defense as confirmation that they don’t care.

And now you’re both responding to the threat you feel rather than the connection you need.

Here’s something worth paying attention to:

The urgency you feel inside doesn’t always communicate the importance of what you’re asking for.

Sometimes it communicates danger, criticism, or contempt to the person you’re hoping will come closer.

And yes, your partner is responsible for how they respond. They can learn to stay curious about your hurt even when it comes out messily.

But you also have to look at what happens to your message when desperation takes over.

Next time you feel yourself pushing harder, try asking:

“What am I so afraid I won’t get right now?”

Then see if you can tell your partner that part.

Because sometimes the thing you’re fighting hardest to get is the very thing your fighting makes harder to receive.

I’m Hanna, a couples therapist specializing in high-conflict relationships.

If you love your partner but keep getting stuck in painful fights where neither of you feels understood, you’ll probably like it here.

Sometimes “I miss you” comes out as “You never make time for me.”“I want to feel important to you” becomes “You only car...
10/14/2026

Sometimes “I miss you” comes out as “You never make time for me.”

“I want to feel important to you” becomes “You only care about yourself.”

“I wish you’d reach for me more” becomes “Why do I ALWAYS have to initiate?”

And suddenly, you’re arguing about whether the accusation is fair instead of talking about what you were hoping for.

Here’s what makes this so tricky: when we’re hurting, blame can feel safer than vulnerability. It’s easier to point to what your partner is doing wrong than to admit how much you want something from them.

But your partner can’t easily respond to a longing they’re too busy defending themselves against.

And when they get defensive? You feel even more alone. More convinced they don’t care. So you push harder.

Next time, see if you can separate what you’re longing for from what you’re accusing your partner of.

You can have a legitimate need, a legitimate disappointment, AND some responsibility for how you communicate it.

Save this for the next time a request for connection starts turning into a fight.

10/14/2026

One night you’re lying in bed Googling “how do you know when it’s time to divorce?”

The next morning you’re discussing where to go for your anniversary.

And somehow, BOTH versions of you are completely sincere.

This is something I see all the time working with high-conflict couples.

When a fight gets bad enough, your entire relationship can start looking different.

Your partner stops being the person you love, laugh with, and have built a life with.

Suddenly they’re the person who NEVER listens, ALWAYS gets defensive, and apparently has been ruining your life since 2017.

Your brain starts pulling up every other time you’ve felt this way.

And in that moment, leaving can feel like the only way you’ll ever stop hurting.

Then the fight ends.

Your partner makes you coffee. You laugh about something ridiculous. You remember why you love this person.

And now you’re confused about which version of your relationship is real.

Here’s what I want you to consider:

Both experiences deserve your attention.

The pain you feel during conflict can reveal real problems that need to change. But the conclusions you reach when you’re flooded with hurt and anger aren’t always reliable assessments of your entire relationship.

And having a lovely morning together doesn’t erase what happened the night before.

I’m Hanna, a couples therapist who specializes in high-conflict relationships, especially the ones where people genuinely love each other but sometimes wonder whether love is enough.

If you’ve ever gone from “I can’t do this anymore” to “Should we book the hotel with the ocean view?” in under 12 hours…

Welcome. You’re my people.

10/14/2026

It starts with a plate in the sink.

You say, “Can you PLEASE just clean up after yourself?”

Your partner says, “Why is everything such a big deal with you?”

You say, “Because I have to ask you to do EVERYTHING.”

They say, “Nothing I do is ever good enough.”

And suddenly you’re discussing whether you even make each other happy anymore.

How did we get HERE?

In my experience working with high-conflict couples, some of the biggest fights start over the smallest things.

Because somewhere between the dishes and the defensiveness, you both start making meaning out of what’s happening.

You’re thinking, “I shouldn’t have to ask. They don’t respect my time. I’m doing this alone.”

Your partner is thinking, “Here we go again. I can never get anything right. They only notice what I do wrong.”

Now you’re fighting over what the dishes seem to say about your relationship.

You criticize because you feel unappreciated. Your partner defends because they feel inadequate. Their defensiveness makes you feel even more alone. Your frustration convinces them they’ll never be enough.

And there you are. Questioning your entire marriage over a cereal bowl.

Hi, I’m Hanna. I’m a couples therapist who specializes in helping people understand the messy, painful, sometimes absurd ways they get stuck with someone they love.

If you’re tired of having fights that start with something small and somehow end with your entire relationship on trial, I think you’ll like it here.

In interviews with 25 married couples, people tended to emphasize their own hurt, justify their behavior, and blame thei...
10/13/2026

In interviews with 25 married couples, people tended to emphasize their own hurt, justify their behavior, and blame their partner for starting the conflict. Even in relationships that weren’t distressed. (Schütz, 1999.) (journals.sagepub.com)

So ask: Does my account include my tone, the interruption, the sentence I regret? Or mostly why I felt justified?

Try: “I still want you to understand why I was upset. I also understand why what I said hurt you.”

Save this for the next time your explanation starts crowding out their experience. Or send this to your partner if you’re trying to understand why you remember things so differently.

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