31/10/2026
I offer aesthetic treatments, emotional support and light criminal activity. Yet nobody ever books the extras.
My optional extras include:
• Running your ex over with my car 🚗
• Letting you use my accounts to stalk someone who has absolutely NO business still being on your radar.
• Providing an alibi. No questions asked. (Actually, several questions asked. I need to get the story straight.)
• Planting DNA evidence. Because apparently “he’s a walking red flag” isn’t enough for the police.
And yet… NOT ONE OF YOU HAS BOOKED THEM.
I spend all this time developing my service offering and this is the thanks I get.
Honestly, the lack of appreciation for my entrepreneurial spirit is heartbreaking.
BUT HERE’S WHAT I ACTUALLY DO OFFER:
• Professional treatments tailored to you.
• Honest advice, even when the answer isn’t what you wanted to hear.
• A safe space to talk about absolutely anything.
• Emotional support that occasionally requires me to say, “BABE. WE ARE NOT TEXTING HIM.”
• A thorough investigation of the person you’re currently obsessed with. Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn… we leave no digital stone unturned.
Actually, scratch that last one.
THE STALKING SERVICE IS ALREADY INCLUDED.
You think you’re coming in for a treatment. Next thing you know, we’ve found his new girlfriend, established where she works, identified his suspicious new follows and worked out that he’s definitely not as happy as he’s pretending to be.
I’m an aesthetic practitioner, therapist, private investigator and occasionally the voice of reason.
Although, admittedly, the voice of reason is rarely listened to.
Your skin is in safe hands.
Your love life? Absolutely not.
Which optional extra would you be most tempted by?
Asking for a friend. Who has a very suspicious search history. 🤔